Advice - cheating partner and mixed feelings/respect

[Jonjah]

I don’t think I’ve ever posted before, so go easy! I’m really questioning my own self-respect right now. To summarise, my partner of 6 years and father of our sweet DS, I believe slept with a prostitute on Tuesday night. I only found out as when he got home at 5am, he tried to flush the used condom down the toilet but it didn’t flush properly, and I found it. When confronted he said straight away he had been to a brothel. I calmly left for work yesterday morning, felt sick all day and when I got home we had a chat. It’s worth mentioning DP has a drink problem which is a constant issue in our relationship. He has sought help. I have considered leaving over this, but decided to stay for the sake of our DS.

Last night, he talked me through what happened and has said sorry (a lot) and that he loves me and DS. He had been out for a 40th they all got really drunk. He then says (this is the bit where I can tell he is starting to lie to ‘soften’ the story), him and the birthday guy got in a taxi looking for a club to go to and he dropped them off at a brothel, he didn’t realise what was happening, they went in and got some drinks and then he ended up in a room alone with a woman. He put a condom on and then realised what was happening and put his clothes back on and left. There’s holes all over this story, I don’t need anyone to tell me this, and I don’t believe him. I have fully accepted he has cheated on me and even if his story is true, he has lost all trust from me as soon as he didn’t walk away when he realised where he was being dropped off at and walked through the front door. This is the last thing I would have expected from him, I just didnt think I ever had to worry about this type of issue. I fully fully trusted him.

I asked him to stay with a friend for a bit, he left and after a good night sleep I actually still feel calm-ish (maybe even numb is a better word) I’m just confused as to what to do next. I feel like I’ve mentally accepted what’s happened and could even move on with him. I’m not sure I want to though. I probably couldn’t afford to be a single mum where we live now, I’d had to consider moving back to where my parents are (5 hours from where we live now). I consider myself a strong, independent woman and part of me wants to split up, but I can’t face the thought of DS not being with his Daddy every day. He would be so sad. But what is wrong with me? Why do I not have more self-respect for myself to do something about this? I’m not even that angry or upset today. I must admit that previous relationships have been quite traumatic and at the time I probably didn’t deal with them properly emotionally and just put them to the back of my head. But it is years later, and I still chew over what has happened and now I’m on anti-depressants, maybe partly due to suppressing emotions I should have dealt with years ago.

I haven’t spoken to any of my friends or family yet. I know if I tell them what’s happened then I can’t take that back. And my lack of self-worth will be glaring for all to see if I take him back. I don’t know what to do as next steps, I don’t know if I want a relationship anymore, I know I need to consider our son though. What would you do?

Some things I know about brothels:

You cannot accidentally wander into one. They have burly door staff inside to make sure that doesn't happen.

He can't have been too drunk. Such men are volatile, and management don't want the place or the 'merchandise' being smashed up. They also don't want some randomer passing out in one of the rooms.

He will have had to pay up-front. There's no such thing as him wandering around confused, then leaving. There is a 'menu'. He'll have chosen what he wanted, and paid for it.

Depending on the size of the brothel, there will probably have been a line up. He paid for what he wanted, then selected the woman to use.

Men who go to brothels are not nice people.

That said, only you can decide what to do next. You're right, you are numb because you are in shock. I'm sorry, but it's pretty obvious this man is lost in his own fuckwittery, and no longer respects you. I don't think he's going to get that respect back. So while you're cruising on emotional autopilot, use the time wisely. Get your stuff together - documents, financial info, etc. Get some legal advice. Sort out an achievable plan. Because at some point, the reality will come crashing in, and you'll be in an awful lot of pain, and unable to do anything.

This absolutely sucks, is all I can say. I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you and your child.

rat brilliant post

@arum51 that's an eye opener but makes sense. What you say about emotional autopilot is also wise..... I've been doing a bit of life admin this evening....booking in for sti tests (as you do on a Thurs eve.....) and been on rightmove to get a feel of what I can afford (=very little!). As for legal advice, we're not married. Is there a good website to go to? Relate? Cab? Don't know where to start.

I think what he's admitted to is only to tip of the iceberg. He's minimising it. The drink problem alone is not healthy for you or your son and now he's doing things like this. I don't think I could ever personally move on from that. The thought in my head would eat me up daily. What is he saying in all of this? What suggestions is he making?

Not being married really complicates things. Most solicitors do a "first hour free" thing, to give you advice. Several friends made a succession of appointments with different solicitors, taking questions from the first appointments into the second - "My friend told me that.... is that right?" type of thing. How is the home owned - is your name on the mortgage? That's going to be your biggest asset.

If it's any consolation, I'm about 9 months down the road from you. Unfortunately, I wasted 25 years of my life with the useless tosser. So six months from now, when it feels you're swimming in ratshit without a facemask, just think "Well at least I didn't put up with it for 25 years like that stupid Arum woman!"

Right I've been getting my shit together overnight, still hasnt sunk in emotionally. This morning DP has came over to have DS while I am at work. Currently sat in a coffee shop about to talk to CAB - wish me luck! My name isn't on the mortgage (STUPID STUPID WOMAN!!!!).

I know i'm going to have to speak to my friends and family soon about this. Dreading that. When I see him this afternoon I'm going to tell him i'm going to start talking to people. I think i'll spare us both this embarrassment of the brothel part.

MrsGaslight/ Arum - how did you break it to your families??!

@arum it makes me sad that so many women are in the same situation. Hope you have your life back now

Thank you for all your responses and support by the way. I'm really overwhelmed and grateful for the great advice and its really helping keep me sane!

You can check what money you would be entitled to on www.entitled2.co.uk

Jonjah - I have only told one friend so far. She was so horrified, I can't imagine telling our families!
You are doing so well getting everything sorted. I am being pretty pathetic at the moment, I just can't bring myself to throw this grenade into my family.

Well, as you're not married, and your name is not on the deeds of the house, you'll only be entitled to your possessions that you've paid for, and child maintenance for your son.
If you have proof of paying towards the mortgage, you might be able to claim a beneficial interest, but that will mean court, and the costs involved, so probably not worth it.

If your wages are low, you should be entitled to UC or tax credits to top up your wages.

I expect CAB have already told you this though, so now it's just a question of finding somewhere else to live.

Sorry you're going through this, but it's not the end of the world, and it's better for your son to grow up in a calm and happy, single parent household, than a two parent household with problems like this.

He's full of shit. Why would he take a condom home?

Don't continue being with a man you don't trust. Rebuild your life. He'll have to pay you maintenance, you'll get tax credits and maybe help towards your housing costs so don't worry

He has a drink problem he has accepted to some extent, but went out on the lash with his friends?
He used your (? If you have joint acc?) money to buy sex, then he came home and lied about it.
Ugh.
Its the absolute BS stories these men come up with that is so insulting.

No help sorry OP, but you are doing the right thing getting out. I expect this is just the surface unfortunately...

Did he carry the used condom home?

All sounds a bit bizarre.

If he's visiting brothels and has a drinking problem, you're better off alone.

@MrsGaslighted you are not being pathetic, you sound like you are holding it together pretty well considering!!

I just spoke to a family lawyer to get an overview of the things to consider. Sounds like I might be able to get a lump sum from him to get somewhere to live for me and ds nearby. I dont think moving away to near my parents is feasible. Support payments also.

I dont think he carried the condom home in his hand/pocket. I think it just wasn't taken off. I dont know. Ill ask him later as it will niggle at me. Or like someone said earlier, maybe it was a 'back alley shag'. Its all very bizarre, I agree.

@Jonjah I hope it goes well. To answer your questions, firstly no, it's not going well. I have mh problems which have really been triggered by all this, particularly the gaslighting that preceded it. As well as losing my relationship and my future, I've lost my job and my drivers license (due to mentalness) and am about to lose my home of 20 years. On the plus side, as I was diagnosed years ago, mental health services have swung in behind me like a canal lock, so I at least have support, which many women don't have. Divorce is shit, and the more vulnerable you are, the shittier it gets. There's no getting round that. But millions of us have got through it. In the end, both you and I will be okay.

As to telling family. I was kind of forced into it. Thirty two pounds and twenty seven pence. That was the amount that I had, on his insistence, gone over my overdraft limit, and he was refusing to cover it. I was getting charged £5 per day by the bank, with no income, I had nowhere else to go. At the age of 50, I had to phone my (very patriarchal) dad, and beg him for help.

It was fucking brilliant. I could feel his rage all the way from Scotland (I'm darn sarf). I told him everything, which was key. Don't edit, or you'll get all the "Well, you know, people make mistakes..." shit. No. This guy is a drunk. He's abusive. He's risking your health with prostitutes. He gives no shits, for you or the kid. I have found that when people don't know the full story, they are usually very ready to tell you to pull yourself together, forgive, be a nice, sweet lady. After all, what's a little unhappiness on your part? Seriously, fuck that shit. Be blunt. "He's a drunk. He went to a brothel, and bowled up home with the condom still hanging off his cock. It wasn't his first time".

Be straightforward. You will actually get a much better response if you are honest than if you try to protect him with Ums and Ahs. You no longer owe him a damn thing. That's a really difficult mindset to break (I've found, anyway, after all these years) but it's time to stand up for yourself and your child.

I'm married, so my situation re the house, pensions etc is different, so I can't comment. You'll have to go with the legal advice. It depends on how old you are (as you have a young kid, I'll assume you're younger than me) but generally, go for the capital. Every penny of actual cash you can get, rinse him for it. You're going to need it. Good luck!

@arum51 I can't believe he's put you through so much and what you are dealing with. Thank you so much for your advice when you've so much on yourself!

Started telling friends. They are horrified @mrsgaslighted. I guess, who wouldn't be. I have had another meet up with him and starting to soften a little, I'm really mad at myself for this. Regardless, he is staying with friends until I figure out what to do and he gets more help.

I'd want a better role model as my DSs dad ... not a man who pays for sex from a prostitute.

Not a man who thinks you're so dense as to believe rubbish. Where did the condom appear from?

How does a taxi driver just happen to drop you at a brothel...I've never heard such utter nonsense...and apart from the act of cheating in itself... I'd tell him to go and take a long walk on a short pier.

I know I know.....I'm really trying very hard to be strong and cultivate all of my inner hatred towards him right now. It's so difficult. I want to have him but I just don't. I feel sorry for him and his addiction. I'm annoyed at myself.

The trouble is he will just do it again if you forgive him. You will go through this again in a few months. You've done that hardest bit and kicked him out.
I'm in the shit position of having bought his excuse but now realising what an idiot I was. It's all gone back to normal as far as he's concerned. It's hard to pick your moment when it's all gone off the boil. I'm hoping I catch him again, but if I don't then I have to pick a moment when I'm strong. And tell myself there is no going back.
Arum has a great point of telling everyone exactly what he's done. That way there is no room for forgiveness after that. I'm definitely going to do that as I'll feel sorry for him too at some point I think.
Keep on being strong, none of this is your fault.

I've definitely decided not to even try to save our relationship until he sorts the alcoholism out. Be that a month or 10years. I have to be strong on that one for ds. @mrsgaslighted I must agree that until I started telling people I was quietly telling myself just to sweep this all under the carpet and put to the back of my mind and crack on with family life. But the more I've spoke about it the more rational and in control I feel. I have channelled @arum51 bluntness! Especially when I had MIL on earlier..... jeez. She needed a wake up call. I made dp tell her what's happened mainly so he can feel.the full consequences of what's happening. She's like 'Oh I'm not sure moving out is best, it will be hard but being under one roof will be best '. Absolutely 100pc no chance mate.

Also @mrsgaslighted you don't need to wait to catch him. As someone said earlier this is always a reason to leave, be now or 10 years