What can I do?

[ConfusedD]

Really could do with some support and advice from you friendly people, as unsure where else to turn to at the moment.

Around 3-4 years ago, I started an affair with a married woman (something I'm not proud of, so please don't judge).

As you can imagine, this was a very difficult time for myself, partner and her now ex. It has also taken some time for her ex to come to terms and accept what has happened (naturally). My partner, as we are still together now, has always tried to maintain a friendship with her ex, as they have a child together. He has always been fairly difficult around this topic and has always 'worked on his terms' due to the difficult circumstances.

As we have moved further down the line, he has started seeing someone new, which my partner is now struggling to deal with emotionally, which is now starting to take it's toll on me.

She is lying awake at night sobbing, to which I am unable to contain my frustration. It is almost like she is grieving for their relationship now, having found out he is seeing someone new. She is also getting upset at the thought of another woman being involved in her childs life.

So, as things stand, our relationship is really under some stress and I feel like I am a constant emotional punchbag for when she is feeling down. She has even told me that I haven't done anything wrong, but that she is really struggling emotionally at this time.

What can I do? I'm worried that if this continues, it will break us up as I am really struggling to stay positive and not get upset myself.

Thanks in advance, I really appreciate your help and support.

ConfusedD

What do you want people to say? You had an affair, that affair broke up a family and now your partner is unhappy because her ex has dared to find himself a new relationship. She needs to grow up, figure out what she wants from life and stop using people. I suspect your relationship won't end well but I hope you can find a way forward without more pain being inflicted.

I suspect that there will be some very harsh comments so brace yourself.

What can you do? The temptation will be to get angry but try to resist. It may feel cathartic but it won't really help.
I suggest that you actually do nothing. Keep quiet and wait it out.

Thanks, however this is exactly the sort of response that I didn't want. I've admitted I'm at fault and many people will say 'karma prevails' however I'm looking for support, not telling off. I'm more than aware what I've done is wrong, believe me.

Shame

What is that age old saying.... you reap what you sow.

No doubt she has come to realise what a mistake she made.

Not sure you're going to get the support you need here.

Your lovely partner sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it.

Her ex has moved on and she doesn't like it. Not sure how to make you feel better about that.

From what you describe, your partner is having a lot of conflicting emotions, probably guilt, fear, jealousy and regret. Most of them are surrounding her ex. I recognise what you describe, I am recently separated, and although neither of us are seeing someone new, we both had a lot of conflicting emotions about the split.

I think you should suggest to her that she seeks counselling. It's not as expensive as you would think, and a good counsellor ir very effective and does not waste time. I saw a counsellor, best thing I did for myself, my relationship to my ex is very good now.

Well it was always coming. You don't get to totally explode people's lives and walk away free and happy and I say this as someone who had an affair. It's all moonlight and roses to begin with, then it wears off and you have to confront what you did. That's all that's happening here. You just need to stick it and accept there was always going to be an emotional price to pay.

My DH's ex left him for her affair partner, all was tickety boo until he met me because she hadn't taken into account that DH might find someone else before she was emotionally ready for it. She'd felt kind of reassured whilst DH remained single that she was still the one in the driving seat regarding the pace of their separation (not that she would have gone back to him but it was the perception that technically she could - him meeting me burnt that bridge). She'd also demonised DH so him being finding happiness with someone else doesn't fit her script.

Advice for you - IMO not much you can do other than counselling or wait it out as a PP said. It just goes with the territory of having affairs.

I think that if someone has an affair, they have probably already checked out of their relationship anyway. It's not great, but the relationship would probably have ended anyway.

When I met my ex more than 20 years ago, he already had a girlfriend, so I was the affair. Obviously we were young and there were no kids involved, so not quite the same. My ex was at the time at the very end of his relationship, and of course he should have ended it before he started with me, but long story short, eventually SHE ended it with him (!) and then I ended it with him (it was very painful for me that he wasn't the one to end it for me), but after a while we got back together again and eventually we got married and had kids. Admittedly we have now split up, but it obviously had nothing to do with his girlfriend all those years ago. Relationships are not doomed because they start as affairs.

I've been split from my ex for 3 years. my choice. it hit me like a tonne of bricks when I found out he had someone else. Even though I had thought about it and had wanted him to meet someone new.
I think you just have to give her time to process it all, especially as they had children together

It’s a bit hypocritical of your partner to be upset about her ex introducing a new partner to her child when she has done the same thing. At least her ex had the decency to wait until they had separated to get someone new and didn’t destroy the family unit
Reality has probably hit her that she no longer has the option of going back to him and he’s moving on
Not a lot you can do but Be supportive of her feelings and hope she gets over it

My ex left 6 years ago for another person. They've never had anything to do with the DC's or GKs. Only very rarely. I however see them everyday, do the school run, have sleepovers, take them out on trips etc. Love them to bits.
I've been dating a lovely person for 20 months. I introduced them to the family 5 months ago. DP adores my GKs. DP is very paternal. Lots of hugs and kisses. Spends time with GKs, chatting to them and playing with them. My DC's think that DP is lovely too.
Bizarrely the ex has tripled their efforts with the DC's and GKs just recently.

Personally I would get rid of her. She obviously wasn't in love with you, got caught cheating and had nowhere else to go.