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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship views help

23 replies

Leonalou · 21/06/2018 01:23

Hi not done this before posting online. My hope is some good advice. I am seeing someone for the last few years. We are inlove. Very much so. We are contemplating living together and he is possibly going to live with me depending on him getting a job this way .one question he has brought up is about wether his grandchildren can stay with us as he lives near his son and his family and will miss seeing them. But i have a spare room i use as my studio room with one bed in it and my own daughters stay on the odd occasion in there when visiting , and to be honest I am not keen on his grandchildren staying with us. Its not what i want and have to lose my studio room. I am past looking after young children even for a sleep over and then spending a weekend with them will be too much. I am not selfish I just prefer him to go to see them rather than them coming here. Hes concerned they will want to see where hes gone which is fair enough. But he could get them and spend time with them for a day here and I would go out for the day.no sleep overs ! How do i put that to him. If this is the future i am going to get cold feet and not feel living together is a good idea !

OP posts:

Monty27 · 21/06/2018 01:28

I wouldn't. No no no. He makes arrangements to see them even if it's Butlins iyswim.

Original poster

Leonalou · 21/06/2018 02:06

Thank you I found this stopped me in my tracks when he said that. Since then its made me think is he also having cold feet to move in with me and thought about how much hes going to miss his son and family more than he thought and saying that might make me see he cant move here .

OP posts:

Monty27 · 21/06/2018 04:06

He wants to take over the house as if it is his. And it's bullying.

Soloooo · 21/06/2018 04:10

If he moves in, it will be his home too. I think that’s mean of you. How often would he want them to stay?

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 21/06/2018 04:22

Wow, mean. Like another poster said, it’ll be his home too. If you had grandchildren, would you let them stay? I know you’re past the small child stage but surely once in a while won’t hurt.

NeeChee · 21/06/2018 04:56

Are the grandchildren very young? I would be tempted to compromise by letting them stay over, but insisting on keeping the spare room as your studio, i.e. they are a guest in there. It doesn't become "grandchild X or Y's room", it is still yours.
Are they old/sensible enough to be trusted not to interfere with your belongings when unsupervised?

ihatewineandsoaps · 21/06/2018 05:27

Monty27 are you dumb? How the fuck is it bullying wanting his family to occasionally stay over at what will be HIS house too! If you don't like it OP don't let him move in simple but I think your out of order. It wouldn't be just your house and it would be for the odd night.

Jane1727 · 21/06/2018 05:39

They are his family and it will be his home. YABU.

Sometimeitrains · 21/06/2018 05:43

it would be his home too that is somewhat selfish. If you moved into his house and your daughter wanted to visit how would you feel if he said no.

Disquieted1 · 21/06/2018 07:16

He is willing to move away from his son and grandchildren to be with you, the least you could do is compromise just a little.
If they're typical they won't stay very often, if at all. Embrace the proposal with open arms and a warm heart.

Nothisispatrick · 21/06/2018 07:38

I am glad the replies started to see sense! YABU. If you move in together you are sharing a home, but it sounds like it will always be 'yours' and he lives with you. Of course he should be able to have his grandchildren visit, there must be a better compromise.

category12 · 21/06/2018 07:42

Maybe you're better off not moving him in. You sound very protective of your space and he's a family man. Also, if he will need a job, are you really prepared to support him however long that takes?

Is there no option of getting a shared place together, perhaps in a compromise area closer to his family, where you'd see it more as "ours" than "yours"?

NC4Now · 21/06/2018 07:44

So he moves away from his family to be with you and you don’t want them to come and stay? That doesn’t seem very kind.
Do you have any house guests, ever?
It’s perfectly normal to want to have family over. When you get together with someone, their family is part of the package in my eyes.

Maybe a new house that meets both your needs would be a better option?

HollowTalk · 21/06/2018 07:50

How long has he been unemployed?

Butterymuffin · 21/06/2018 08:06

It does seem a bit unfair to say your daughters will come to stay but you don't want his family ever to do that. Could you move somewhere bigger? What have you discussed in terms of what he will pay, house rules etc?

HollowTalk · 21/06/2018 08:27

Sorry, I read it that he was unemployed and looking for work, rather than looking for work in your area.

How far do you live from him now?

MagentaRocks · 21/06/2018 08:38

How on Earth is it bullying? He has asked if his grandchildren can come a stay sometimes. I don’t think it is a too big an ask for him to want his family to visit from time to time. Yes having people to stay is an upheaval sometimes. We have my MIL staying for a week and have had to change our routine to fit in with her but it is a weeks visit and lovely to have her to stay. Although I am looking forward to getting back to normal when she goes it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the visit.

ThingsThatMakeUGoHmmm · 21/06/2018 10:34

Good grief! If he's moving in with you 'forever' then it becomes his home too. In my opinion he doesn't need permission from you.

A friend of mine moved in with his girlfriend and her teenaged daughters. She wouldn't let him have photos of his daughter on the wall and he wasn't allowed to sit in her daughters' spaces on the sofa. He split up with her after a few months (good for him).

shiklah · 21/06/2018 10:35

I don’t think you should live together as you both want to be able to have family stay in your own home and you are not willing to compromise.

Cricrichan · 21/06/2018 10:51

You're being ridiculous! It's reasonable that he wants his family to visit and stay over, especially if he's moved away.

SuperSuperSuper · 21/06/2018 11:13

You want a live-in boyfriend but without the stuff that comes with it. You're better off leaving things as they are. Or end it. Don't move him in and treat him like the mildly irritating lodger though, that would be awful.

ItDoesMyHeadIn · 21/06/2018 11:23

I get where you're coming from OP it's obvious you're not child friendly and neither am I - far from it.

I'm currently seeing someone who has 3 children and although we're nowhere near the stage of me meeting them, I know if it comes to that in the future I'm going to have to try REALLY hard to deal with it.

Relationships are about compromise, you're rarely just taking on one person. You take on their families too and if this man has grandkids it's totally normal for him to want them staying over now and then.

If you love him so much can't you put yourself out once every few months?

stevesmithsmum · 21/06/2018 11:30

He wants to take over the house as if it is his. And it's bullying.

Don’t be ridiculous. My take on this is when you share a house with a loved one, you both share the privileges.

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