Need advice on dealing with former partner that has introduced her affair partner to young children immediately after I moved out

[activeparent]

Hi all

I'm a parent who has recently separated from my wife. We have 2 young children ages 4 and 7.

I found out about an affair through reading a rather graphic message on her phone.

The affair had been going on for a few weeks physically and perhaps unknowingly emotionally for her for a few months as they regularly met as 'friends'.

She had shown no interest in ending the affair, nor continuing our marriage, and even met her new partner for an evening, whilst I was trying to find somewhere to stay.

I moved out of the family home less than 5 days after discovering the affair, as I needed space to manage the emotional trauma and sadness I was experiencing. They had even used our family home for their engagement at one point, to add to the distress, whilst I was with the children on a weekend break.

After being away from home for less than 1 week, I spent the weekend with my children away from home nearby where I was staying.

On return, I was asked not to come in as her new partner was asleep. This was particularly hard to deal with as it didn't feel fair for both me, nor the children as they should have the security and comfort of their mum at home on an important moment like this.

From then on this man regularly stayed at the house, most nights in fact until this point, 3 months after I moved out.

I had originally agreed to support the family home, children & her personal spending needs for 3 months before another arrangement could be discussed.

I still loved her, was confused, and wanted to to the best as a parent and partner, regardless of what had happened.

Child access has not been a problem thankfully, but this man being around my children all the time, being seen in the children mothers bed from week 1 post split through till now, has been a hugely difficult situation for my emotions to deal with.

I was not asked if it was ok for him to be introduced, nor stay over, and have been told the 'kids are happy', 'he's great with the kids and listens to them' and words alike each time I showed my disapproval to her.

The final blow to my wounds was a recent 3 day camping trip where they all went together as a new 'family'.

I haven't spoken to children about my sadness, as they are too young and need protecting from adult topics like this.

The man does nontechnically live there, but has no fixed abode, after his place was compromised after his partner was told of the affair by someone.

I feel the children deserved space for a good while so they could adjust to new living arrangements and mum and dad not living together. I also hoped that he could have been introduced slowly, away from home.

I and the children deserved the physical and emotional space from this person for a good while. Not having this has allowed the children to grow find of him as they are innocent to his and her actions (as they should be) and therefore have accepted him and are comfortable around him.

As a parent and person, I am sad, angry, hurt and feel bullied by my former by her inconsiderate actions, and am struggling to concentrate on work, moving forward and letting go of my frustration of her new partner in the kids lives so soon.

Initially I was blamed for the affair, told I was a bad parent and more. After early acceptance, now with more confidence I understand that reasons for an affair are simply excuses. Although we grew to be incompatible, and separation was perhaps best, affairs are unjustifiable, immoral and go against the vows of marriage.

I accept people deserve to be happy, should be able to meet new partners and end marriages if they choose, but her method and post separation choices are simply selfish in my opinion.

This thread isn't to ask for non bias opinions on if she is a bad parent or spouse, but to seek advice on how to 'let go' of my anger / sadness and not let this person being around my children affect me.

I have to move forward, as the worst outcome is my time around my children is compromised by my mood affecting the precious time we have together.

Any 'tools' to help with situations like this would be greatly appreciated.

Thx

So sorry this has happened to you and your children.

This site has very active forums on this topic and a lot of information.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Good luck.

Firstly, I can only try to imagine how awful this situation must be for you.

I totally agree about the insensitivity of your ex.

You are trying to be a good dad to your children and when they're old enough to understand what happened, I'm sure they'll appreciate how amazingly you coped with this for their sake.

I think it's important to acknowledge your feelings and be kind to yourself. You have been treated badly and will need time.

Easier said than done, but try and not let your anger define you as a person.

Would you consider some counselling to help you deal with your feelings.

Your kids are so lucky that they have a dad like you!

Oh my gosh you poor thing how awful it's beyond me how a person could be so cruel and irresponsible...I really have no advice here about how you could feel better but I didnt want to read and run.

You seem to be doing the right thing with regard to the children, just continue to be there for them and set a good example.

One thing that stands out to me and I don't mean it to appear petty but why on earth are you covering her personal expenditure and what i understand to be rent/household costs?!
Gosh she must think shes living the high life. I would not be giving her those privileges after the way she hustled you out. By all means set up a comfortable maintenance arrangement and some savings for the kids, I would also get some solid contact arrangements set up. Say you were to stop funding her and I assume now his lifestyle, is she likely to withdraw contact? If this is a possibility then go through the courts...those children will need someone constant in their lives.
I can only assume once living ain't so easy he probably won't stick around long. She was foolish to bring him into the kids lives so soon, I'm actually disgusted and feeling so bad for you and your kids.
You focus on your babies and developing your own relationship with them, remember they will need you even more now and in return their love can keep you from reaching a dark place. I hope you can move on from this in time and have a happy future.
xx

Thanks of this site.
It looks like there are some specific threads for my situation that may prove helpful.

Thx Anxious369

Yes I am considering some professional help.

I must say though, that I do accept that separation was the best for us, as we did disagree, and often in children's presence.

My time with children is more enjoyable without the constant critique, and I'm sure hers is too.

She is a good person and a fantastic mother, but these recent actions sadly counteract these attributes.

She could have been happier, and the children could have enjoyed their home, perhaps more, but without a new person in their lives so soon. Then eventually introduced to him.

They may appear happy, but I'm sure confused, and it's only made a very challenging time for me far far worse.

IlikemyTeahot...
To reply to you, I supported her fully for 2 months, then the last one without her personal spending budget, and now we are trying a maintenance figure I suggested for now, until we either have a divorce or seek a separation agreement.

I have no desire to be spiteful, and although this person has no fixed abode, I'm told he is seeing his own apartment, and will be independent shorty himself.

I also will not seek solace if he 'doesn't stick around'. She has the rite to be with whoever she wishes, and if it is not him, will be someone else.. I accept that.

Thx for support so far all.

Your ex is a selfless cow OP
I would start doing the homework and keep a detailed log

You need to get some legal advice

Also as not married you don’t need to financially support her necessarily - just work out something for the kids and move to shared custody

Sorry . It sounds very very painful

Focus on rebuilding and getting a home for you and your kids when you have them

Hi thanks 'stopfuckingshoutingatme' for taking the time to read and respond.

For clarity, we are separated, but technically married still.

I appreciate everyone will have their opinion join this, but as I said within initial post, this post is more about positively moving forward and not pointing fingers of blame, nor dwelling on the past.

As said before, she has been a good person, a wonderful wife & a caring mother. These actions mentioned are selfish, cruel and hurtful, but perhaps initially unknowingly on her behalf (apart from him continuing to be around house and children after my concerns were voiced).

She is tied up in the whirlwind of falling in love again for the first time in over 10 years, and not thinking about her actions, and how they affect others. Of course she's not doing the best for her children with him around instantly and to the advanced stage it is for her and the kids, but she'e protecting herself and perhaps the kids, by holding things together how she knows best.
This is by lying to herself that she's doing the right thing, shifting blame to me, and not being open to friends and family about the details of this.

To be honest, who would?

I know that when things settle, she will realise what she did to the family, and hopefully become a better more considerate person, like the one she always was. I would not have married a 'selfless c**' so have hope for the future, and at some stage, would like to be cordial at the least, for the children sake.

I can't change what's happened, nor affect what's happening, only change the way it affects m (IE don't let it) so I can enjoy a beautiful future with my children, and be content with who I am.

Thx

I think some anger is justifiable personally but each to their own . You will be each other lives forever due to the kids anyway

Look the way I see it she hasn’t treated you kindly . But you have to divorce and co parent

Only a therapist can help you with anger .

But what’s wrong with being angry with someone who has treated you wrong ? You have to let a justifiable emotion out . I don’t think suppressing anger is good . Better out than in .

I suppress a lot of anger and I don’t know what the answer is . We all muddle along

“she has been a good person, a wonderful wife & a caring mother.”

You need to get your head around the fact that she wore a mask, she is not the person you thought she was. Good people, and wonderful spouses don’t do this to their partners and family.

My ex sounds frighteningly similar and for 16 years I thought they were a good person, great parent..until I discovered the affair and overnight they turned into a person I didn’t recognise. Like you my kids were introduced to the AP wirhin weeks...along with many othe cruel and selfish actions.

I would recommend visiting www.chumplady.com a great website and advice on how to deal with cheaters and gain a new life for yourself and your children.

Go ‘grey rock’, disengage with her, get a solicitor...you deserve better.

Good luck

You say she’s a good mother but I respectfully disagree. She’s not putting the kids best interests first by moving this guy in immediately. How utterly confusing for them. Keep doing what you are doing and be their safe place and their rock. Pay her only the maintenance required by law if she’s feeding some other bloke. You can always treat your kids to days out when they are with you.

I agree...a good mother doesnt have a new man in her bed so quickly.
She's putting her interests first...again that's not something a good mother does.

If she applied common sense she'd know what she's doing is not right for them.

I'm not saying she can't or shouldn't have a new relationship...it's the way she's done it.

My advice would be to have regular time with your children. Be involved in their education and activities.
Get the school to send info to you as well ...explaining you arebt together anymore.

Very often fathers are detached from those things. Make sure your bond with them is strong. Let them be your focus.

If you need flexibility with your working hours to facilitate childcare issues...then ask your employer...dont leave it all to your wife.

Thanks all for your recent reads and comments.

To be clear.. yes I 'am' angry still, and hurt, but like Anxious369 said, I shouldn't let this anger define me as a person.

My comments about her being a good mother and a good partner/wife are past tense.

I accept these are things she has not been, and with her introduction to kids lives immediately, playing advantage to their innocence, and not giving them the time they deserved to understand what mummy and daddy living apart means, are not being a good mother too.

For one, another person in the house regularly, or when meeting him evenings if he's not staying over using babysitters are actually taking attention away from the children when they need it the most.

But.... I know these things. I know that my generosity and unconditional support of finances for house, kids and her for 3 months, were 'not' just for the kids, as she stated, but for her 'and' her new BF who had/has no fixed abode to enjoy at my expense.

We are on a 'temporarily' agreed maintenance figure, that hopefully will be sustainable and allow me to re build my life, living arrangements etc.

As said before, I cannot change the past, nor current insensitive scenario of him being round overnight when kids are there, camping trips etc.... so I can only find a way to not be affected things I cannot control, and feel pride in the way I have done the best for the kids 'AND' her housing stability, and move forward with the dignity she will never have and start to enjoy a beautiful future with my children, friends & family.