Please help me work out how I'm feeling

[AshamedFriend]

I think I just need to tell somebody what's happened and try to work out all my confused feelings. I've name-changed as I'm so ashamed.

A few weeks ago, I went to see one of my favourite singers with my friend's boyfriend. We are both massive fans and I have been to music events with him before. This time, we had a few drinks before, during and after the event. By the time it had finished, I was already very drunk, at the point of needing help to walk. I'm utterly ashamed that I got myself into this state, it has only happened three times in my life and I'm mid 40's.

At some point, while we were walking (the wrong way) to the taxi meeting place, we kissed I can't recall how it started, there are blank spaces in my memory of the evening. A taxi came to get us from a local pub, he went to the toilet and said he'd bought condoms. He tried all the way home to get me to agree to have sex with him. I refused and got into my house alone.

The next day, he texted to say he'd always wanted it to happen and was glad that we felt that way about each other. He said he didn't want to hurt my friend but he still wanted sex with me. I replied that I had no more feelings for him than a friend and that I wanted to forget about what happened.

But I can't forget it, I'm devastated. I feel ashamed at my binge drinking and getting myself into a vulnerable state. I feel gutted that somebody I trusted took advantage of me in that state. I think if he'd been more forceful, I wouldn't have been able to get him off. It has crossed my mind that he may have engineered parts of the situation, us walking in the wrong direction away from the crowd. And I've also thought, what if I'm minimising my actions and maximising his because I feel guilty at kissing my friends boyfriend? Blaming him when it's my fault I was in that state. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to act normal but I'm so upset.

Oh op. Really sorry about this.

Something similar happened to me except he did actually rape me in the end. It was awful and I felt as you do, as if it were all my fault, dirty somehow, not completely sure if it were my fault or his or both etc. In hindsight (15+ years now), I'd say it was fully engineered by him. But at the time that was very unclear to me.

In the end, it's difficult to say in your situation exactly who was "to blame" - much drink was had etc - and ultimately it probably doesn't matter. But he does sound a twat, basically asking if he can shag you behind your friends back. So there's that.

Not sure if you want advice on what to do. If you do... Well, I'd probably tell the friend what happened (as factually as possible, with an apology) and what he said after.

She will probably not believe you, and may very well blame you, but ethically it's probably best to fall on your sword a bit here. He needs exposing.

In the end it's up to you though.

In any event. I'm holding your hand tonight. It's shit x

I think it’s a good thing that you feel upset about what happened - it shows you are a normal person who made a mistake. I don’t want you to feel upset, but it’s not a bad thing. Mistakes happen, life sucks sometimes.

If this man did anything to you to make you in that state then obviously it is his fault. If you just had a few too many and made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over something already done - it’s now all about how you chose to move forward.

To tell your friend would clear your conscience, but what would it leave your relationship with her like? What would it leave her like? Is this an opportunity to save her from a guy like that even if it cost you the friendship?
I’d say these are the questions you have to think about before you decide on you next move. Hopefully she willl be able to forgive you and maybe him and you can all move forward.

Like I said, mistakes happen, be gentle on yourself.

Thank you both. Our friendship would be completely ruined if I told her. He has form for being a shit to her, emotional affairs and texting other women. But the last couple of years they seemed to have turned a corner. I've known them for years.

I feel grubby and disgusting but also betrayed by him. A true friend would have helped me get water and get me home safe. I didn't feel in control and as soon as we had kissed I didn't feel safe. I feel sick thinking about it.

I'm such a coward, I don't think I could tell her

I did have evidence in the text he sent me the morning after asking for sex and my reply but I've deleted them.

I'm sorry Prize that your situation ended in a much more awful way than mine.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

If the friendship would be ruined if you told her, then she's not very smart, is she?

If it were me, I would risk ruining it because at the end of the day, she's with a total creep and I'd prefer to have let it be known than keep on pretending he's not a creep. It would play on my mind too much knowing I didn't expose him.