Help me create boundaries with DM

[OnlyBaBaBiss]

I’ve namechanged but if anyone remembers the thread about my Mum creating SM accounts for my 8 year old and telling him to lie to me - well that’s me

So DM came round all high and mighty about a different issue on Saturday, we had a massive row and she stormed off, I haven’t spoken to her since, she’s text me each day trying to make general conversation and I’ve completely blanked her, because this is what she does; thinks she can throw her weight around and scream and shout and call you all the names under the sun (she’s called me & DP bad parents twice in 3 weeks now) then when she’s finished her tantrum just carry on as normal and no-one will question it because they can’t be bothered with all her drama - well I’m not doing it any more

But tbh I don’t really know where to go from here or what I want to do/if I want a relationship with her or what kind - I just don’t know! Obviously I need to say something to her but then I just think ‘what’s the point she never listens!’

Just looking for a bit of advice really and any wise words from anyone that’s been in a similar situation

It's a very tough one. You have the right to have it out with her and have your voice heard but as you say, she very well may not be able to hear you. If you think it would make you feel better to have your say, then go for it, but I wouldn't expect that it will improve your relationship at all. Emotionally inadequate people like your mother (and mine) simply cannot tolerate any criticism. Ever.

I highly recommend seeing a counsellor / therapist to find out more about your own feelings and start to figure out what you want or need from this relationship. It's your decision. You are not obliged to have her in your life even if she is your mother

Counselling definitely.

You need to decide how much contact you want. But first you need to accept she won’t change. (I think you have that)

So LC or NC?

It might be an idea to have a break from her for a bit. You could continue ignoring her messages.

Or

You could send her one message saying something like ‘ after the last few weeks we need a break. I will not be responding to any of your messages until I am ready. You need to respect this, and wait for me to contact you’ or however you want to word it. But keep it simple and make no excuses.

Of course you will be bonbarded with messages and you can either block her or just not bother reading them to you are ready.

Then give yourself time and love and see how you feel in a month or two.

Or five

Thankyou both so much for the responses
How would I go about counselling? Is it very expensive?

Lotta no DM doesn’t do criticism (because she’s never wrong of course!) she’s never ever apologised for anything in her life, I really struggle to apologise to people too I’m assuming it’s because I’ve never been set the example that it’s ok to be wrong sometimes, DP pointed this out to me a few years ago so I really try to force myself now, especially to the DC, I don’t want them to grow up to be pig headed too - is your Mum similar? Do you have a relationship with her if you don’t mind me asking?

Aussie I don’t think I could go NC, just logistically and because of other family members etc, and as much as I would love to I don’t think I could go a few months without seeing her because the kids are used to seeing her almost every day, they’ve been a bit confused this week (they should’ve gone for tea yesterday, they go every week) so I’ve just gone with telling them she’s not well for now
Plus she isn’t the kind of person who will just be ignored, she’ll just let herself in and demand we ‘have it out’ which is what she did on Saturday, she’ll likely do it when she knows DP isn’t here aswell to try to intimidate me - I’ve been waiting for this to happen all week tbh, and I keep thinking she’s going to show up to school or something and demand a conversation (she’s done this before too)

I’ve felt so much better this week, I’ve been much more organised (a case of too many cooks before) I’ve been calmer and giving the kids much more attention which in turn has made them behave better - I just have felt like I can exhale a little bit without someone else constantly around

I just don’t know where to start
How do you say to someone ‘I don’t want to see you very often’??

for you, OP. I kind of guessed this would happen. I'm surprised it's happened so soon!

I went NC with my parents 4 years ago. It took them a while to realise it, as like your mother, they thought they could be abusive then carry on as normal.

I also say yes to counselling and looking after yourself.

I don't think she's going to give you space.

I ended up calling the police on my parents as they would not leave me alone.

Consider asking her to give you some space, and don't be afraid to invlove the police if she doesn't leave you alone (if you decide to go NC).

It is absolutely fine for you not to talk to her further. you do not owe her a relationship. Brace yourself and be prepared to fight to do things your own way.

You owe it to yourself and your family.

Good luck!

You don't have to say anything to her OP. You could just be less available. Be busy when she wants to make plans, be heading out if she pops round to see you.

Yes, my mother sounds very similar to yours. I am very low contact with her now, sporadic text contact, no phonecalls, see her about once a year. I was in therapy for several years and it helped more than i could say. Well done for reflecting on your behaviour and acting on what your DP said about not apologising. That takes strength.

If you're interested in professional support, Google BACP (British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy). You can look for therapists in your area. Many offer a sliding scale of charges, so you pay based on your income.

OP, sorry to hear you've had to put up with this manipulative behaviour. Agree with Aussie: if she persists in contacting you, send a civil but firm response along the lines suggested that you need time to decide if and when you'll contact her.

I do subtle low contact neither my DM now and again but wish I'd put my foot down when I was younger as our relationship has some bad habits where she's grown used to me not confronting her and basically verbally bullies me from time to time. On the last occasion when I attempted an assertive stance, she told me "I think it's time you left" like I was a stranger!! I should have done so on the spot....and not looked back. Sorry to digress, but I admire you for taking a more assertive approach. These patterns of behaviour are so hard to break. Good luck OP.