I've no right to be upset but still...

[SlovenlyWrench]

Split from exh 2.5 yrs ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive. I've worked hard at maintaining a cordial relationship for our 3 children, plus i dont have any hard feelings towards him now and still enjoy a quick chat at drop off/ pick up on his weekend with them.

He has just told me that he is off to an event this weekend that we'd planned on a "bucket list" sort of way together for years. I'm so sad. Glad for him that he's going to be able to experience it but its made me cry.

It was "our" thing.

It's so stupid of me. Will stuff ever stop hurting?

Are you upset that he's going to get to do this event and you're not, or that he's going without you?

Is there any chance you want him back?

Really hope you're ok and from my experience, yes you will stop hurting. Unfortunately it just takes time

Sounds like he is still emotionally abusive. He knows you really wanted to do the bucket list activity and planned and booked it for himself and made sure to do it. Sounds like a jerk, not worth the tears

lily I think it's just grief still for the relationship. We had plans and hopes and dreams together and both of us still struggle with milestones (kids bdays, Christmas, mutual friends' 40th birthday parties, sports days, the list goes on...) - stuff that we always thought we'd be together for. We both have other partners now and I am not jealous of his girlfriend- they seem happy together and my children like her/she's lovely to them. Plus even though I miss him, I miss our marriage more if that makes sense. That sense of belonging and knowing where your little corner of the world is, knowing what makes one another tick and having a shared history book that you've written with lots of pages still to complete. Even when that little corner is quite controlling and has mean edges.

Blonde could I expect him not to do something that he's been longing to do as long as I have? That doesn't seem morally right for me. I genuinely hope he has a great time and that it's as amazing as we always hoped.

@SlovenlyWrench it sounds completely normal to me and whilst I have no real sturdy advice I would say, don't give yourself too much of a hard time. If you feel sad and need a bit of a moment with yourself that's perfectly ok! We can't help our feelings. You don't need to necessarily come up with an explanation as to why you feel the way you do, and obviously we are here for you xx

He knows you really wanted to do the bucket list activity and planned and booked it for himself and made sure to do it.

Whilst I totally get the Ops feelings, I think expecting an ex to never do things that you talked about doing together is ridiculous.

And it's no longer his responsibility to consider or book something for the Op.

But I do get her feelings on it.

Why don't you book the activity for yourself?

I suspect this is just a reminder of what was planned and lost, so being sad is normal.💐

I also think calling an ex abusive for doing something he always wanted to do, because you also wanted to do it, is going too far.

Blunt I don't think this is abusive. I know I have no right at all to feel aggrieved and he has no obligation to me any more- I don't expect him to. That would be very odd!

He was a twat during our 20yr marriage. Makes a very good ex but not a good husband!

I do wonder though how I am ever going to escape the "pull" of him. I occasionally wonder whether we just didnt try hard enough (I basically just gave up and told him it was over which he didn't try and persuade me out of) but then remember that he didn't try and persuade me out of it! I was never his solace from life and that's how I want to be thought of

Ah no sorry op, I was responding to blondes comment he was still abusive by booking it.

Regrets And what ifs are normal, and this is just a little reminder. Can you book in something for you to do and look forward to? Maybe you just need a little excitement also.

Ah thanks Bluntness

I have a lovely social life and if anything it's been a bit hectic of late. Maybe it would be nice to plan something chilled on my own to look forward to.

And thanks lilypotter - have had a lovely cuddle with my boys and then a cry in private and feel much better. Thanks all for being so kind!

I think women are just a tad sentimental. And I'm one of them! Dammit!

Sorry I had a typo. I meant to type he made sure to tell you he did it. He could have easily done the activity and not rubbed it in your face.

Plus even though I miss him, I miss our marriage more if that makes sense. That sense of belonging and knowing where your little corner of the world is, knowing what makes one another tick and having a shared history book that you've written with lots of pages still to complete. Even when that little corner is quite controlling and has mean edges.

That's so beautifully expressed OP. I know just what you mean. I don't know if it gets easier but I hope so. I'm in the same place.

I think what you are missing is idea of what your marriage was . Not how it really was to be together.
And you can go to places you fro your bucket list just with lovely people that you choose.

OP. It's bloody hard isn't it. I'm 18 months down the line and still grieving the loss of my marriage (well, the good parts)
I did something similar to your XP, I went on a bucket list trip on my own shortly after we split. It was a way of asserting that I would be ok on my own, and also addressing the fact that while we were together my priorities got pushed down the list while he was ticking off his.