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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Terrible decision

10 replies

Looxxlooxx · 20/06/2018 10:02

I have had a very turbulent relationship with my partner . I have issues. I know I have insecurity and trust issues. But I also know my now ex has lying issues and over flirty and some cheating . from the very beginning he slept with someone when we were not official and lied about an awful lot of stuff. We argued a lot over him hiding stuff on his phone . He went away on holiday and cheated on me on the money I lent him to go . We were arguing and I do believe I have made him resent me . We have been together 2 years. I found out a lot on his phone . Through some of his behaviour . He had previously had a 5 year affair with another girl on and off through some of his relationships and I only knew when red flags started coming on when I saw how they acted together in passing once. He said he regretted all his behaviour . He has made some pretty terrible priority choices . Now please be gentle with me as i have struggled to come to terms with how we really ended 7 days ago. He was being severely awful to me and I could feel the rejection . After months and months of us going through this I could feel he was trying but feeding me bread crumbs . Now I have said I have issues so now that I have 7 days to think about the way I have handled some situations . I have completely screamed at him. But he was driving me completely insane. I feel the main thing was no communication. Unresolved blame game . I know people are going to read this and think ‘move on ‘ ‘find yourself ‘ hes Not worth it ‘ you have serious issues etc. But I need to say I know I have issues and I need to work on my self esteem and start loving myself. Seven days ago I could feel myself at boiling point . I was going to above and beyond for him and he was talking to me like I was nothing and gas lighting me about a whole conversation . We ended up missing an event that had been planned for 6 months for my birthday 😔. He went home and blocked me on everything so I couldn’t contact him. He said I had spoilt everything but he did a series of horrible things to me until it got to us arguing . I waited for him to change his mind and he just let me miss the event. I couldn’t believe how he just shifts everything onto me . Now I did lose my temper. I did something I have had to live with and face and have been in bed for 5 days. So please be gentle with your comments . I got to boiling point and I told Facebook about how much he had done . His affair and the cheating and the lying. People were in shock as we always appear very happy. We have been lot happy . But I have also endured a lot of pain. Perhaps he has . I left the status up 30 minutes and took it down. I was sick to the stomach of how he could just make me feel so horrible about myself and paint some picture of me so I wanted people to know the truth. In my moment of madness I have now made my ex partner hate me. You cannot switch feelings off. I regret immensely telling people that . I have never told people outside my circle of friends before. It was noones business and I have tried to endlessly search if he will forgive me. I am racked with guilt . I have never done that before but I reached out to a couple of people who had and they said it’s awful that you get to that point . Both their partners tried their hardest to put it right when they had been publically aired.
I was very angry . I regret it I would never do it again. I wanted him to see I had snapped but I regret my decision because I still love him and know I perhaps didjt handle situations as good as I should have. I have made him resent me . I have reached out to him twice over the week and he has blanked me. I am blocked on everything . He’s removed all my friends off social media forums and told one ‘if anyone is waiting for a response ... they’ll be waiting a while’ . Meaning me. I’m heartbroken. Now everyone can pass what judgement they like but I am racked with guilt of telling everyone because people silently take people back for worse. People do endless things in love and I just want to know if he loved me he would at least talk to me or think about it if he cools down ? I believe he did love me and tried at some points . We had actually a lot of good times together went on many adventures and enjoy walking around the countryside go see bands. Cooking and I miss him terribly. My family and friends are being supportive but this has hit me so hard. I am 32 and he is 27 by the way. . I really think I have contributed to this relationship blunder which I haven’t before in previous ones. . Basically I still love him. I want to work on myself . A lot of people have said I need to work on my self esteem and work on positively sorting my life out . I regret what I said publically and have reached out to him . He has blamed me for the entire thing that got me to that point , not to me but to my friend who reached out to him. I am breaking my heart in bed while he is not really fussed. People say men destract themselves and go out’ . I have told him I still love him and know what I have done to contribute to this whole mess. But I am deeply hurt . I have not been spoke to at all since it went up. I cannot message him again . Please could anyone help me a little. Some people say he is very angry and once that calms down he may think about what he’s lost. But with him fully blocking and ignoring me for this long I don’t think he will. People have said ‘someone else’s news next week . Terrible mistake again saying on social media but I made a mistake. He has made some terrible ones too. Please could someone advise if he will reach out to me. I still love him so much.

OP posts:
Porridgeprincess · 20/06/2018 10:29

This is a very unhealthy and unstable relationship and you know this. There is wrong doing on both sides and you have aired your problems on facebook as well ...I am not sure how is this any going back from that really.

Please mind yourself and you seem very vulnerable but I really don't see a future, or indeed a healthy future for this relatioship

Respect that he has walked away from you and try and heal yourself and be in a better position for the next time you meet someone

Looxxlooxx · 20/06/2018 10:45

I regret it massively . People have adviced me that in several weeks to come it will all be forgotten about and he may see his part in it. I am deeply immensely sorry for my part and I made a huge mistake and I have told him so . I still love him and the thought that I have ended this through my actions even though he was pushing me and pushing me every day. I have not handled things well. I have made a 30 minutes regrettable decision . He knows I am heartbroken and love him. Like he made a terrible decision many times and I have loved him and tried. The fact he is completely ignoring me when I am so upset and heartbroken. No closure or anything after all we have been through together . Thank you for your reply x i still love him and cannot imagine my life without him. I’m going to use this time to reflect on my behaviour . I don’t see if he will think the same with his own. He seems completely done .

OP posts:
Porridgeprincess · 20/06/2018 10:52

It seriously does not need to be as hard as you both have made it for each other. You are at pains to point out he did wrong too. Who are these people telling you that it will be forgotten about... ? How can they answer for him?

I feel for you, I really do. I had a dickhead boyfriend for 12 YEARS and would go in and out of the drama and pain as if it was normal, because it was for us. Yes of course we had good times but the bad times were bad and as we were not married with kids I often look back and wonder wtf I stuck around so long for. But I loved him... etc etc. All women who stick with men love them.

If you love him, and he seems to be done, then respect the guy enough to let him be. You will be ok in time.

Snowysky20009 · 20/06/2018 11:01

Honestly I think you need go accept it's over. Regardless of what he's done, the fact that you aired it on sovi

Singlenotsingle · 20/06/2018 11:02

Maybe he was behaving so badly to force you into ending it, but you didn't. Now you have given him the perfect excuse to finish it himself. It had to end, one way or the other so at least it's done now. Tbh it's not that bad. Nobody's died. Forgive yourself, tell yourself you might have made a mistake but you were pushed to the limit.

Snowysky20009 · 20/06/2018 11:02

Social media, would be the finalstraw for many people.

TheVanguardSix · 20/06/2018 11:03

It's over and you must accept this.
It may never be forgotten. He may always see you as some poisoned dwarf. There is nothing you can do but walk away. Nothing more. You cannot shape how he sees you. You cannot afford to care about what he thinks about you. Your relationship sounds so sad and shitty. Tthe FB stuff is the least of your problems. It is not why you guys broke down. So don't revisit the FB stuff. That's irrelevant. What is relevant is the fact that your relationship was dramatic, unhappy, and now it's YOU time, OP. Heal YOU. Work on YOU. The writing is on the wall. Build yourself up and be whole.

This terrible relationship has turned your reasoning to jelly. I'm not talking about the FB stuff. Who cares? What's done is done. I wouldn't regret that so much as the years I'd wasted with this guy who's been playing you like a flute and messing with your head. These are the relationships that throw us into instability and bring out 'the crazy' in us.
You are not the person you have shown in your behaviour. You're better than that. This relationship has brought out the worst in both of you probably. Thank God it's done.
He really, really, really couldn't be clearer about his stance.
Do not hound the guy. There is nothing to build on now. Leave him alone. It is past.
You have had a bad relationship which ended badly.
There's only one way to go from here, OP, and that is up. One foot in front of the other. Get some counselling for sure.
Flowers

Bluntness100 · 20/06/2018 11:07

Sweetie I think it's needs to be over. He's not treated you well, and your actions are a result of that.

Your friends are right, work on your self esteem and tryto put this relationship behind you.

Gruffalina72 · 20/06/2018 11:07

Struggling to follow your post because of the lack of spacing, but...

He has consistently treated you horribly throughout your relationship, including cheating on you, gaslighting you, and blaming you for his behaviour.

You posted the truth of the above on Facebook so that people would see through his lies.

You are now blaming ALL of his nasty behaviour on yourself?

Really?

Telling people the truth is perfectly reasonable, and in the case of somebody with a history of mistreating you and lying to other people about it, quite sensible.

I am failing to see the "terrible decision".

Unless I have missed something massive here, he is a nasty piece of work and your life will be much, much better without him in it. As long as you don't replace him with someone who behaves the same.

LittleMysPonytail · 20/06/2018 11:18

We can love people with everything we have. It doesn’t mean they have to love us back - even if they do, it doesn’t mean the relationship survives. It also doesn’t invalidate the relationship for what it was, good or bad.

What you need to do is start distracting yourself. You can’t take back what you did. I think you need to accept that the relationship had ended before that, not that the FB post is what had stopped a reconciliation.

Do one thing today just for you - a walk, baking, watching a favourite film, paint your nails. And if you find yourself drifting it to going over things in your head, stop, take a breath and go back to the thing that’s just for you.

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