Hi wise mumsnetters
Hoping for some advice and comfort and even tough love if you feel I am being indulgent!
After my marriage breakdown due to exh escort and porn habit, I went into a short fling? with a guy who pursued me despite me being very vulnerable. We went abroad together for 2 months where I had a bit of an episode due to unresolved stuff from the trauma of my marriage.
We were together for about 4 months and I thought were getting on great. Looking back he was a bit of a future faker and love bomber. I gave a lot more and invested a lot more, so after my episode he broke up with me wanting to be 'friends''. I then went back home and left him abroad. When he returned he maintained that he wanted to be friends but I was very heartbroken.
Cut a long story short, using my house sale money I went abroad again as I was unable to settle to a retreat. I was away for nearly three months. During that time he randomly messaged me and then started flirting with me confusing me. I called him out on it and he maintained that we are only friends. Hence we have not been in contact for a month, as I told him to delete my contact information and let me go. I still have lots of stuff from my old marital home at his place which I may or not retrieve when he is back from abroad again.
However after doing my version of eat pray love! I am home and feeling very stuck. I am trying so hard to keep busy - decorating flat, volunteering and seeing friends. But I feel very sad and heartbroken. My RL friends think I am fine, at peace and much improved and I do not want them to think otherwise, after spending so much time and money indulging my heartbreak? In a way I am but recently been lapsing back into obsessional thinking and despair. My positivity I gained seems to be fading.
I been snooping (I know!! its like an obsession) on my ex he back abroad and very cosy with a woman. lots of photos and posts from her we have been eating here etc...
Why oh why despite everything cant I just let go and focus on myself? Why do I feel so stuck? Its like I got no hope. People think I so strong and brave but the truth is I feel so broken still. Can anyone offer a perspective? I got some counselling in a few months but it seems a long time away. Friends are just thinking I getting on so I put a brave face on it all... I realise I had a golden opportunity to get away so feel guilty for feeling like it not really worked..Thanks for reading