Hi all, I will dive right in.
Hubby and I have been married for 25 years. We made a mutual decision that I would be a stay at home mum and he would throw himself into starting a business. Also because we have no family around as he has worked in various countries. Over the years there has been resentment building on my side because a) he totally withdrew from parenting and I could not be a father b) he spent time away from home on trips (hiking/mountain climbing/triathlons) even though family time was precious but what's more, never offered for me to take a break or tick something off my bucket list. So I largely felt like I was doing all the baby-sitting, being left with no family support with two toddlers for two weeks as a time.
He NEVER lifts a finger around the house and is quite happy for me to be on the roof clearing off moss and getting leaves out of gutters, shoveling 3 builders bags of soil into the garden, jet-washing patio and recently cleaning out the garage and doing 3 loads to the tip. Over the years I took on all chores that fell outside of his business - the house, garden, dogs, washing cars, children, schools and such like. Hubby could not tell you what subjects his children do or what they were anxious about at any given time.If they need to talk they come straight to me. Fast forward and both children are teenagers. My daughter is at uni and my son has just completed his GCSE's. Resentments have built up between hubby and myself over a couple of years. He totally neglected our relationship. Leaving for gym at 6am and returning at 8:30 (at 10:30 in earlier years). Discussions about putting effort into birthdays, anniversaries, having date nights or flowers, dwindled after the first try. He moved out of our bedroom because I was breastfeeding and never moved back, claiming he could not work without proper sleep. This affected our sexual relationship - (he never moved back in) and I soon discovered that he was using pornography regularly. I found him googling prostitutes in our area and confronted him. He said it was just out of curiosity, and I left it at that. Despite discussions about how I felt about the pornography and how it was eroding my self-esteem and our sex life, he has continued to use it regularly. On his side was resentment over me spending money. After sitting down and tallying up who spent what, he quickly backtracked when he realized that most of the money was going on his trips away, sports equipment, physios, Pilates, swimming pool usage, masters swim class, one-on-one lessons for swim technique, and also a running coach. I showed him that my spending was on household necessities and the garden. No personal spending like nails, or hair or clothing. But I still felt hurt that he insinuated that I was spending "his money". When ever issues around his work hours came up, he would yell at me to "get a job then", even though we are very comfortably financially, and I feel he is a bit of a workaholic who CHOOSES to be at work. I realized that he did not put a value to what I was doing. He apologized and reassured me that he could not run the business without my role on the family side taking pressure off him. Other resentments on my side have been that he is totally absorbed in outdoor swimming. He leaves at 5am to do a swim with a group of friends before work. He cycles to and from work. He goes to Pilates once a week as well as a swim master class once a week (gets home at 10:30) and has a one-on-one session with a swim coach twice a month. He meets up to swim on week-ends, he goes away on long swim trips (2 one week trips in June alone). Whenever he competes in an event, this demands more training and so more swim time and this leaves no family time, or couple time. Added to the mix are celebratory meals and birthdays and celebrating accomplishments of swimming friends. He also follows 5 swimming groups on Facebook and is constantly commenting on posts. He is gone before I wake up, comes home at 8:30pm, has a meal and during our "couple time" in front of the t.v., he goes onto these pages and comments and has discussions with these friends while we are watching a movie. Every time I look up, he has a big smile on his face, and involved with his phone. Can't hold hands because he is using his phone. His sports watch is linked to Facebook and Strava, and alerts him on comments which means he goes on his phone. Not even swimmers he knows...just random threads. We have had discussions about our TV time being couple time and he just falls back to this behavior and I feel resentful that I should insist that he want time with me! Before an hour is up he is fast asleep, snoring. His whole Facebook is about swimming and posting achievements and not even a single family shot unless it comes via me! On his birthday this month he had to drive to fetch my daughter at uni as I could not go with my son writing exams, and a swimming friend asked if he was not doing a special birthday swim and his response "unfortunately" he was doing a road trip with his daughter.....to which I responded "and that is worth more than a swim right?" because my heart ached that she should ever see that. I feel that he is selfish with regards to swimming - he was away on two trips (5 days+ each) JUST a week before his birthday!! By the way, the two previous birthdays he just announced that he would not be home as he would be away on a swim for the weekend. And of course we wanted him to do what made him happy on his birthday; but it hurt like hell to know that was not going to be spending the day with us!
I feel resentful because now that the business is stable, and he can afford staff, and has back-up, he can make time for EVERYTHING else but not me or the children. He has not even attended one teachers meeting in years.
I have told him that I expect more couple time, now that the children are more independent. He now wants to combine a swimmers trip to Greece with couple time. But i can envision myself being dumped while they do 8 hour swims and meeting in pubs after to discuss swimming using jargon that I don't even know. I feel like I am a side-thing on a main event for himself and I feel angry about the suggestion. Another issue that has surfaced, was that he was meeting up with a lady to cycle before work in the mornings and I told him that because our relationship was rocky and because a few months ago, i found a brief conversation on twitter that my husband had with a women that had slight sexual references, I would prefer that he join a group of people and not one-on -one meet-ups. I am not a jealous person - or else I would not allow all the trips away but somehow the trust between us has been eroded. But despite agreeing not to, he has been meeting up with a lady in the mornings to do a swim together. I found this on the page that they have discussions on and i felt that he was disrespecting my wishes and also being dishonest. He planned a trip away, discussing it with a friend on Facebook before even telling me (or discussing it with me) and I feel that he is behaving like a single person who has no wife or children to consider. I am feeling like i dislike the selfish person that he is, but he keeps telling me that I am not being reasonable and that he needs his sport to "cope" with work pressures, but half the day at work I see he is on Facebook and if he wants time off from work he takes it. He does debtors one weekend a month and Creditors another, but whenever i pass the study he is on Facebook and it makes me so resentful. At the moment things are very strained between us. My 16 year old son is very hormonal and very aggressive - throwing things and calling me names. He refuses to obey simple rules and things are tense between us. During his GCSE exams hubby went away and he was very anxious and had a huge meltdown because I insisted he go to bed at 12pm as he was writing an exam the following day. The interaction left me incredibly shaken and I texted hubby (who was away on a swim) and confronted him about constantly being absent when I needed support with my son. We had already had a discussion in which I insisted that he give me more support and get involved so that I could put some distance between myself and my son, as I was feeling depressed and suffering from anxiety linked to dealing with my sons behavior.
All our discussions on how I feel resentful, neglected and unloved never seem to hit home. At the time of the discussion he treats me as if I am exaggerating and being demanding. He promises to put in some changes, is very apologetic and loving....and then it all begins again. I feel lonely, heart-broken and full of anxiety at the thought of my marriage ending. My husband is easy going, generous and even affectionate when at home, and I love him. But a new feeling is also surfacing: i feel angry and dislike this self-centered person and I am tired of begging him to spend time with me. I am starting to think that staying is more painful than leaving because at least leaving brings hope and self-dignity. Am I over-reacting on some issues here? Please let me know your thoughts.