Advice needed for a worried husband

[jonsoe]

Hi Apologies if this isn’t a suitable place to post something like this, but I’m desperate for advice. My male friends aren’t much help, and I don’t have a big family.

I’m married with two older children 10 and 13, I’ve been married to my wife for 7 years, but we’ve been together for about 15 years and had our kids before we got married. For the last 5 years I feel my wife has completely lost interest in me and doesn’t actually love me anymore. Things were fine, even through the tough early years when the kids were tiny - we both work full time in well paid jobs and are not short or dependant on each other for money. I am from a liberal family and was always brought up that fathers should share parenting and housework duties which we do very much. Two years ago my wife wanted to change careers and I took over a year off work to be the main child carer which I loved, being involved in my children’s lives daily. Outwardly we would seem to have the perfect life.

About 5 years ago my wife started to go out more and more without me, with her group of friends. Initially I didn’t have a problem with this - then most Fridays on my home from work I would get a text that she is going out again, can I put the kids to bed etc etc and I would be left home alone. This has continued, she also rarely shows me any physical affection (and I’m not talking in the bedroom) she never hugs, or kisses me or sits near me on the sofa - apart from a quick kiss before work, unless I initiate it. Outside if asking me how my work day was anytime we spend together she is on her phone on Facebook, watching TV or chatting to her friends, mum or sister. In her conversations with anyone but me she is very lively and animated , but to me she just seems bored - in fact I’m not sure she really knows anything much about me at all anymore.

I do love her and she is a brilliant mum and very successful in her career which I’m proud of and fully support. But I am no longer her priority anymore, she wanted to have kids young - which was fine with me. But now she has a wide group of friends whose husbands and partners are a lot older than me - at least ten years plus and we have nothing in common. When we do go out together I’m usually left on my own and tend to leave early. All my long term friends have much younger kids - either babies or toddlers so meeting up is very hard and we have very little in common now. My wife’s social life had got bigger and bigger and mine has become so small I sometimes wonder who I am?

Three years ago, her in- laws wanted to take us to Florida, Disney land etc - this is my worst idea of fun but agreed as my wife said if we go this time we won’t have to go again. But we couldn’t afford it and my wife refused to tell this to her parents, so the result was when we came

Hi - i work out at lunchtimes at work, we have a gym next door so thats not the issue. Buuut - my wife has a personal trainer who she trains with 3 times a week in the evening leaving me ar hime with kids and housework! Luckilt her PT is female so no issue there (well unless ... but lets not go there!) My inheritence all is in our joint accounts - current and savings are bign joint. So everything really is shared.

Ah, more point scoring against your wife then. You BOTH go to the gym (good of you to concede you also have social activities aswell) but your wife has a personal trainer! Op, you sound jealous of your wife and her wide social life/circle of friends so try not being a doormat (as you are very keen to portray) and take up another hobby aside from your gym. Stop blaming your wife for being stuck at home and make an arrangement to split childcare & housework that really is 50/50.
Nah, still dont get how if all your accounts are joint then it's just you that pays for large purchases. If all your accounts are joint and a big purchase needs to be made, then it comes out of a joint account - from joint money. Still, it's something else to complain about your wife, implying that she should be grateful that you pay for big stuff (even though apparently all your money is 'joint').

Martyrdom and point scoring is hugely unappealing, maybe that is why your wife is supposedly keen to interact with anyone else but you.

Maybe suggest a trial separation, you may both be happier in the long run.

I haven’t complained about anything money wise - but thanks for your kind words.

I am continually amazed at how easy it is for people to project their own issues on to others

OP this sounds awful - something must change else you'll go mad. I agree with pp who suggest individual counselling. I also reluctantly agree that you should visit a solicitor to understand what a divorce could mean for custody & finances. You need to turn your fear of the unknown around so you can make an informed decision about next steps.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Please don't let the few posters put you off coming back here to sort through your feelings. It can help to get an outsiders perspective on things. Plenty of others say MN helps to keep them sane and grounded when going through tough times. We are here regardless of whether you're a man, woman, black, white, straight, gay, whatever.

She sounds dreadful. I don’t think some of the replies you have received have been particularly balanced.

You need to talk as a priority. Be prepared to walk, no one should put up with that amount of crap

It sounds like she doesn't enjoy spending time with you and prefers to spend it with other people. I get that, I haven't wanted to spend time alone with my ex for years but we had a lot of issues, it's just a big decision to split when you have kids.

Maybe try and organise stuff that you can both do together without the kids or other people. See if that brings intimacy back and if you start enjoying each other's company again?