Emotionally abusive parents

[Piecatcher]

I posted about this the other day in AIBU and got a mixture of responses but I’m now looking for some practical advice as to how to move forward.

I have always known that my mum doesn’t like me. I have a sister who can do no wrong and who has been the recipient of many gifts/ lavish holidays/ house deposit over the years whereas I have been expected to work for the same things. My mum has stolen from me, threatened to abandon/ kill me as a child and has on one occasion chased me with a knife. She calls me jealous, selfish and money obsessed although there is no evidence to suggest any of this other people don’t have the same impression of me. My sister has had no experience of these things and considers herself to have had a lovely childhood. Neither her or my dad will not acknowledge my feelings and if I confront them I am told they are just joking and the selfish/ jealous/ money obsessed comments are brought out again. She has set me up in situations where she can twist what I say to make me look money obsessed and then I have no comeback because it’s like she has proof. I’ve just been told I’m not to expect a penny of her inheritance- all of it will be going to my sister and my children but none to me. She brought the subject up, I was phoning to make an arrangement to visit them at the weekend.

I feel so hurt they so obviously think so little of me. Im married with 2 lovely boys and a good job. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this and i don’t know how to move forward. My DH wants me to cut contact with them but I feel so guilty about it I don’t know if I can. Please help!

DH is spot on! You dont need that in your life or your children’s life.

You deserve better and I’m glad you have a partner that sees it.

Put yourself and your emotional well-being first.

xx

Well done for naming their behaviour as abusive. That can be a huge step if you have grown up in that sort of environment. Your mother sounds terrifying and highly dangerous, physically and emotionally.

Intense guilt is a legacy of growing up in a family like this and it can be powerful. Psychotherapy was the way forward for me - I needed professional support to explore the impact of my parents' behaviour on me and to start to make my own choices about my relationship with them. I am now very low contact with them and my guilt is about 10% of what it was. I do feel guilty at times but it's manageable and doesn't terrify me any more.

Another useful strategy can be to imagine what you would say to a friend in your situation. We're often a lot kinder and more pragmatic with other people than we are with ourselves

Your DH is absolutely right that you do not need people like this in your life. You do not deserve their hideous treatment of you. The decision about your relationship with them is entirely up to you

I feel so hurt they so obviously think so little of me

actually, it's not you.

Your mum is dumping a whole lot of negative actions and feelings on you. I guarentee you that that means it's all bottled up inside her and she let it out on the person closest to her that she could get away with ... you. All the 'good' feelings went to the other child. Your shitty luck :(

It does mean that there's nothing wrong with you, and an awful lot wrong with your mum. Your dad goes along with it because either he doesn't really see it (unlikely) or he wants a quiet life (more likely) and she's persuaded him to her POV.

Personally I think that when you are disinherited, it means that your parents have made it clear that you are no longer part of the family; you'll get nothing, not even love, from them. So (imo) the time has come to accept that, to say goodbye and to walk away no matter how very, very much it hurts.

But it's a long road to really accept the situation.

The thing is, if someone has a strong vested interest in making you out to be useless, mean and unpleasant, you'll never prove them wrong because they do not want to see you as you actually are. They have an agenda, and you can't force someone to give that agenda up.

I'm sorry, piecatcher. It's really shit and it is heartbreaking.

The other posters have given sound advice OP. I've got parents like this. It's taken a two year grieving process to come through the hurt. I've had hints that I'm to be disinherited. I'm the scapegoat for their unhappiness. I think it's rubbish to have had a dysfunctional family but it's about them not you. Build 'family' elsewhere, work out what life lessons you've come to learn from this experience and press on with your own lovely family. I found compassionate mindfulness helpful.

It's bewildering really, being in a seriously abusive family. You've done nothing wrong. Emotionally detach.

Its not you, its them.

They are toxic through and through and do not do your mental health any good at all. Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally altered since your own childhood. You all need to stay well away from her and your sister. Your dad is her willing enabler in all this and cannot be at all relied upon either. He is her hatchet man who has also been happy to throw you under the bus at your overall expense.

Your DH is correct re cutting all forms of contact with them. Many adults of toxic parents who have suffered similarly have FOG in spades; FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt. I would suggest you find a reputable therapist to work with to deal with your feelings of guilt. You may also want to look at the Out of the Fog website and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread. Like many abusive people too, your mother has used the threat of cutting you out of the inheritance, it sadly is par for the course for such disordered of thinking people.

Its not your fault your mother (who is not worthy of the term) is the
ways she is; you did not make her that way. Her own parents did that (what if anything do you know about her own childhood, there are clues there).

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and your role here is one of scapegoat. Your family of origin are deeply dysfunctional and there seems to be the golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on there too. I would read more about narcissistic family structures and see how much of that resonates with your own experiences.

DS1's girlfriend has lived with us since she was 17 because her family are very like yours. She came home heartbroken only yesterday because yet another family event had resulted in her being belittled and cruelly hurt. It makes me so, so angry on her behalf. She's a young woman any parent should be proud of.

Yesterday she said that eventually she would have to give up on her parents but at the moment "I'm only 22 and I still need to get my parents to love me." Horrible people!

Get angry that your DP are putting you down. You are old enough to decide there's nothing you can do to change your DM.

I'd tell her you're thinking of cutting off contact and will do if things don't improve. Then the ball's in her court and she can't blame you if you feel forced to go low or no contact.

prawn, i'm not sure that telling them that she was thinking of cutting them off would do much except be used as an example of how awful she is. Everything seems to have been twisted that way so far, the pattern probably wouldn't shift.

My mum has stolen from me, threatened to abandon/ kill me as a child and has on one occasion chased me with a knife. She calls me jealous, selfish and money obsessed

these events are extreme and indicate a mother who just does not want to value her child.

I think for the best outcome, the OP should quietly and gently slip away by reducing contact and being unavailable and not ringing first, arranging to go visit, etc.

I understand what you're saying, SeaEagle, but OP says she's very troubled by guilt. If she lays it out for her DM then OP can be sure in her own mind that she isn't to blame.

What her horrible DM thinks is neither here nor there. As you say, she'll rewrite history so it's OP's fault.

Well your dsis can bloody well care for them in their dotage then can't she?
Bow out op, your dh sounds like a good support to you. Nc is the way to go.

I am nc with my 'd' ps.
Over 20 years with f and over 10 with m.
No regrets and certainly no bloody guilt!!

Thanks for your replies everyone, it helps somehow to know other people have experienced this. I’m just not sure if I’m overreacting? I’ve tried speaking to them about it before and they refuse to listen or even try to understand, I think that’s why I’m so hurt, they won’t even let me put my feelings across without calling me names. Sorry if that’s all a total ramble! My DSs have a good relationship with them and I’m not sure whether that should continue or not. I don’t want to use them as pawns but at the same time, things just can’t carry on. I’ve booked to see a counsellor on Friday so hopefully she will be able to help too.

'I’m just not sure if I’m overreacting?'

I guarantee you that ALL of us who have survived families like this have felt the same. They're not that bad, they don't do X, they don't do Y, other families are much worse. We were all well trained from our earliest years to put our parents needs first, and not to trust our own feelings.

What would you say to a friend of yours who told you the same story about their family? Would you tell them to get over it because it doesn't sound that bad, or would you be horrified on their behalf?

You're feeling terribly hurt because their behaviour to you is intensely hurtful. It's unbearably hurtful when you don't feel valued by your parents, and don't feel seen or heard. I remember feeling like I was missing several layers of skin.i was in such pain all the time. It's totally understandable to feel hurt

Good work on booking to see a counsellor. I hope you feel they are a good fit for you. Professional support can be invaluable with all this

I'm 18 months into therapy. In my very first session my therapist actually said "oh my G-d" when I repeated something my father had said. To me that all of that was normal and at the age of 25 I was still in denial about it because "it wasn't that bad". But it was. You need to grieve the loss of what you didn't have.

I've just posted about my Dd and the abuse I believe she is getting from her DF - she says she is fine - I doubt it very much - some I doubt will see it as abuse but this incident together with the many others I am sure will come back to her at some point in the future.

My Dd is already feeling guilt but again I doubt she knows this - her DF hurts her over and over again yet she continues to have a relationship with him - why because she loves him - why because he is her DF that she idolised until he had an affair and broke her heart. Yet she continues to see him!

It does not come as rational to cease contact with our parents because we are all told that a parent's love is unconditional - yet many are incapable of this and the child will grow up feeling that there is something wrong with them and so they will continue to try and please in the hope that one day this love will come.

There is never anything wrong with the child - the child is a gift to the parents to help them see things through fresh eyes, to help them love unconditionally, to put a child's needs over their own.

You are lucky - you have seen the abuse for what it is - you have a chance to heal yourself and move forward with your own children. Your sister may not be so lucky - she may well end up being on the receiving end of this abuse if you are no longer around to take the brunt of it.

You have nothing to feel guilty for - you have probably given your parents more time than they deserve to look at their own behaviour - they haven't. Stop punishing yourself and set yourself free - your parents have to live with the consequences of their own behaviour - deep down they will know or they will be made to know - this is karma.

^It does not come as rational to cease contact with our parents because we are all told that a parent's love is unconditional - yet many are incapable of this and the child will grow up feeling that there is something wrong with them and so they will continue to try and please in the hope that one day this love will come.

There is never anything wrong with the child - the child is a gift to the parents to help them see things through fresh eyes, to help them love unconditionally, to put a child's needs over their own^

beautifully put.

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prawnofthepatriarchy I see what you mean, aye, writing that letter might help the guilt.