Run and cut my losses?

[LovePeach]

I think I'm going to know my answer as I write this so here goes

My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years, I have no kids, he has two. We don't live together (due to his housing benefit etc) as he is main carer for his children. Majority of our time has been great apart from the mum of the kids been vile and resulting in a community order so she can no longer contact me (which BF did absolutely nothing about - just let her carry on doing what she wanted for pretty much two years)

Anyway fast forward 3 years, he's been gifted enough money to be able to put enough money down for a mortgage, which is great for the kids (security etc). However, there has been no mention of me in any of it? Not me moving in... helping out... nothing.
He's mentioned before about his (not our) 5 year plan of me having enough money to put towards a 2nd home deposit in 5 years. My worry is I save all this money to put a deposit down, we buy a house and absolutely hate it because we've never lived together causing all sorts of problems selling etc.

Next issue.. I literally do not exist when the children are here. Unless I'm making dinner for everyone. He's not affectionate (very rare) and I feel we're becoming more like friends or a stand in nanny/cleaner. We aren't even in a relationship on facebook... in fact there's barely a mention of me on his fb.

And lastly... money. If we go out of family days/ shopping/ pub/ anything really... I am the one to pay. I don't think he does this on purpose, but he's the first one to mention if he's spent more than me on something. To the point I actually showed him my bank statement to prove the massive difference as he was feeling hard done by!

What would anyone else do in this position? I don't want to feel like I've wasted my life being treat like a doormat while he's setting up a cosy life for him and his children.

I'm so confused and lost about the direction in which my life (or ours as a family) is going

You have posted here because you already know the answer - it's time to end it. I fail to see anything positive in this relationship. You seem to be merely an afterthought in this man's life, and that's no way to live. Move on and don't waste another day.

Thanks for replying Aquamarine

I guess it was just reassurance I was after (he says I'm living in fairy-tale land) and that this is life. It's not making me happy and he's quite ok as things are, as its working in his favour

The more I think about it, the more I'm so sad about the whole thing, for the kids too!

Get out of this relationship. It's not meeting your needs. Sometimes it's as simple as that. Sorry you're going through this.

I would have ended it after his ex was hassling you and he did nothing about it. He's clearly not interested in doing anything unless it directly benefits himself. Leave him to it. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy. Cut your losses and get out.

Thank god It's not just me struggling to see any positive of staying

I think the only reason I stayed for as long as I have is because he guilt tripped me (as the kids had been through so much due to mum leaving).

Phew, I feel better for just getting that off my chest and seeing it for what it is! X

I'd have binned him years ago but maybe I've 0 patience or tolerance.

I wouldn't stand for all that crap:

GetInMyNelly I used to be the same when I was a teenager, unfortunately I ended up with a prick that used to beat me for fun before current boyfriend. I guess that's one reason why I put up with what I do, as he would never raise a hand.

Next dilemma, we have a holiday booked for the school holidays in July, obviously I've paid and he's paying me back. What the hell do I do about that!?

Take a friend instead or write the holiday off.

I would see if it is possible to remove your name from the booking.

I would also suggest LovePeach that you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid because this is for people who have had abusive relationships.

Abusive men can and do trash women's boundaries in relationships and the effects of that can last a long time. Consider counselling as well regarding what have you learnt about relationships to date. There's a lot of stuff here that needs to be unlearnt.

Love your own self for a change as well.

Ditch him Op....ive just ended a pretty bad 4 year relationship with a man who could be bloody nasty at times....he was generous with money but his nasty side chipped away at the love i had for him.....i feel like a huge weight has lifted from my shoulders x

I'm going to offer him pay the holiday off and I'll transfer it into his name, or I'll feel super guilty that the kids won't get a holiday (as mum isn't taking them anywhere either)

AttilaTheMeerkat
I never thought of my mentality within relationships to be honest, but it's definitely hit home as I'm currently crying at work . So thank you, I will definitely look into the programme as I thought it must just be me and that's why everything's happened as it has

LovePeach

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No its not you, its them. They targeted you and saw something within you that they can and have indeed exploited.

Please look into doing this programme (in person ideally) because I really do think it could help you re boundaries and red flags in relationships.

I've just emailed them as there are no programmes starting in my area, so fingers crossed.

Thanks again, AttilaTheMeerkat

You deserve so much more than this OP.

Thanks SoapOnARoap

I'm just grateful this all isn't in my head and it's ok, as bf suggests regularly. I actually feel more furious that I've let him treat me like this for so long and when I do bring up how I feel, I'm basically told to like it or lump it.

So here's to fu**ing it and getting out of this shitty mess