Ex refusing to stick to set contact times

[TattyMcTatt]

EX and I have 3 DC and have been separated for 4 years. We do not get on. We used to have a pretty much 50/50 shared care arrangement until he moved 5 hours drive away to be with new GF and their baby. He now sees the DC once a fortnight Saturday morning to Sunday evening.

He gives a 3 hour window on a Saturday morning and brings them home anytime between 5 and 8 on the Sunday evening, often not fed. He is sporadic with his phone contact and often won't answer leaving DC in tears. Sometimes he sees them in holidays, sometimes not.

The DC have been very upset with the lack of structure and it's hard for me and my partner too.

I asked for set times and he said I'd need to propose it through a solicitor which I did. He refused to respond. I threatened to withhold contact until he did (solicitors advice). He has now responded saying he cannot commit to times as he lives so far away and basically making excuses as to why he can't see his DC more.

I don't know what to do. I think it's just another control thing for him. He doesn't want to agree as it's me who's asking. He wants the flexibility at everyone else expense.

He punched me while we were separating, was arrested for it and denied it to the police. He was never charged as no witnesses. I was under the impression that we couldn't go to mediation because of this.

I am really surprised your solicitor suggested stopping contact, I think thats a really big mistake personally.
I can see why he isnt giving an exact time as its a very long journey to make there is no way he will always get to yours for an exact time, You have to be realistic there with your expectations.
Can he change contact to every 3rd week instead as it does seem like an awful lot of traveling for the children to do eow?

Yes you can still go to mediation. The mediator will assess whether mediation is suitable.

I would try mediation first. You are trying to make arrangements that are better for the children. If you try mediation first you will look less combative and more conciliatory. However, at the end of the day your children are your priority. His feelings are not. So if you need to take it back to court so be it.
Yes they need to have a relationship with both parents but not at the expense of other essential aspects of their life such as sleep, nutrition, not being dragged from pillar to post especially when at school and likely to have weekends increasingly taken up with peer activities, which really he should make an effort to be part of.

If he won’t hear them you have to speak for them

He could get a family room in a Travelodge for less than going there and back once costs him...and then he'd only have to do the drive once and the children wouldn't do the journey at all...

Make sure you keep a separate detailed log of all your communications with him, and times he arrives to pick up the dc, times he drops them off at the end of the weekend, if they had been fed, every other detail you can think of, to use it to show how he isn't putting the thought or effort in that he should do...

Update- he replied to my solicitor stating he needs a two hour window for collection and drop offs and that is non negotiable.

He says he hasn't called DC because things between us are difficult....

He cannot commit to any holidays as time off is allocated on a first come first served basis annually and if I press for set dates he will have to stop all holiday contact

So basically refusing to compromise on anything at all.

The dc went to him last weekend as desperate to see him.

He wrote to me a few days ago to say he can't have them next weekend as he has plans dating back to before Xmas, I said he could call the dc and tell them himself, he didn't call.

Really really fucked off now.

He doesn’t get to tell you things are non-negotiable

Everything can be negotiated

He can organise and prioritise and keep you informed when he’s leaving so you have a window

Him not calling the kids is his decision

You can get School holiday calendars for next year now, (it’s on the local authority site, he could find it himself too) and he requests the holidays he wants

If he doesn’t, he might not be able to have them when he wants, again, his decision

It needs to be organised and coordinated as that IS the only way it works - for the benefit of the kids.

Thanks Hissy, I know, I just don't know how to make him do it. I can't really afford to take him to court or mediation at the moment.

If you feel able to self represent and he applies to court it needn't cost you anything. If he doesn't want to see them at the times ordered there isn't anything you can do, but then you can confidently refuse him the opportunity to pick and choose.

If he has plans that have been in place so long they should have been communicated to you and DC with more than one week's notice. You need to put some rules in place to avoid this, like letting you know 4 weeks in advance. That's reasonable.

You should also look at holidays well in advance. As PP said these are available now for the whole of the next school year and have been for some time. If you are working up to a year in advance he can't complain. You need a calendar to cover everything including weekends for that whole school year. That way you have to deal with it once and it's out of the way rather than having the same issues week after week.

I think you will have to accept a time window of some kind however he needs to be leaving early enough to ensure the DC are home at a reasonable time even if the traffic is bad.