Husband works late I'm lonely

[Ellie11983]

So here goes, my husband has an insane job which means he works really long hours, I never know if he's home for dinner or if he's going to walk in the door at 8 or midnight (never earlier he works an hour away as it is). We've got two gorgeous young girls and have been together for pushing 9 years now. The thing is... is I'm feeling so bloody lonely. I try to keep myself occupied but when I put the kids down at 7 and I get the 'going to be home late' text my heart just sinks and recently I just feel tearful all the time.
Tonight I've just sat at the end of the bed and sobbed. The worst thing is when he is here I'm not a priority as we've bitten off more than we can chew and brought a big old house which is half way through renovations, it's just never ending he's always got so much to do.

I'm dwelling on this all the time and it's pulled me down so low that I just can't get back up. He works hard and I keep hitting myself thinking it's not fair of me to be like this.

He's a great guy and we were happy once... but I feel like our relationship is always at the bottom of the list these days and frankly I need some serious attention right now, I just want some excitement... is this normal? Has anyone else got a hubby who's away a lot? How do you keep the balance?

My husband too! He is self employed and could work ‘smarter’ hours but chooses not to. My DC are teens so it’s a bit easier for me as they don’t go to bed at set times. I constantly sit down with oh to discuss and things change for a week or two (9-5) then go back to normal. I work full time in quite a high pressure environment so it would be lovely to ‘share the load’ in the evenings but it’s not happening. I don’t have any suggestions or help but I just want you to know you’re not alone, my DC are around but I’m still lonely most nights and end up in bed watching Netflix by 9pm!

Your post actually made me cry again. Everyone I seem to speak to has their husband on a 9-5 job and I want to gauge their eyes out just for having someone to sit and have dinner with at night... I'm the same, I've spoken about it and expressed myself so many times now I feel and sound like a broken record. He's sick of hearing it and I'm sick of saying it. I always hope things will chance but deep down I know they never will, it'll always be like this. I keep thinking what am I doing but I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do if I left, it would kill him me taking the girls away. I just don't know what to do anymore...

What's your oh like when he's with you is he romantic? Do you have date nights and things? X

I don't know what the answer is but I sympathise. My DP has his own business, agri contractor, so literally vanishes pretty much from March to September at least. We bloody live in the same house and can go days without saying a word to each other because he is gone before I'm up and home long after I'm asleep. We went three weeks solid once last year, it was bloody CRAP. He's amazing as a person and the most wonderful partner but I think if he was anything less, I simply wouldn't do it, it wouldn't be worth it. Small consolation I suppose, to have such a great guy but never seeing him!
for you.

When he is home it’s his downtime so he doesn’t get involved in day to day stuff! If he’s around at the weekend (rarely) he will do a few things like mow the grass etc... we don’t have date nights, rarely go out, occasionally go out as a family (once a month) to cinema or something but not much else! I do wonder sometimes why we are together! I’ve come to realise over the past few months that I need to build a life for myself, join some clubs or something as life is just too short! Don’t cry lovely, but try and make it work for you, if you want it too. Hugs

What does he do? And is he choosing to work late or needing to?

Ellie can I just say for context we have been together for 22 years and are both mid/late 40s

I sympathise. My DH works abroad for weeks and weeks at a time and I don't have family around.

How old are your DC? I found it so much harder when they were smaller. They are 6 and 4 now so are quite good company themselves. I'm not exhausted all the time now. I make sure I have friends over and book a babysitter a few evenings every time he's away.

Is it an option for you to try and do something like that? Perhaps if he knew he had an evening when you were out he could focus on getting home earlier another night?

My other half is self employed and although works from.home he works constantly eg every day even weekends. It's worse in the summer as the business is seasonal. I find it soul destroying. I tried insisting on date nights on one night a week but he usually is too busy and if I moan I get told he's working to provide for me and bump(I'm pregnant).
We are supossed to ahve a date night this Thursday as it's last free day before my due date but I doubt it will happen as he's 'running behind'.
I do really understand your pain but can't offer any advice I'm afraid!
Ive started organising my own social events with friends one or two nights every week to stay sane!

What are the options for getting the renovations finished faster or moving again? It can't help living in an unfinished home.

It’s horri op. Same here my oh works late sometimes we don’t get to speak for days as he’s gone wen I get in then I’m gone next morning before he’s properly awake so no point trying to have conversation. I have 1 dc who is online with friends so no communication there either I feel more alone now married than I did wen I was single and living alone at least back then I could get out if I wanted now I’m stuck in because dc won’t leave his mates and I’m not comfortable going out in the evening and leaving him in. I want excitement too it’s so boring and I sometimes think what’s the point of this relationship but we have to pay the bills we sometimes barely speak wen he is here as we are watching tv or he’s on social media catching up with that so we sit next to each other not saying anything and I’m still lonely wen he’s here. Your not alone 💐 could you not persuade him to at least get home so you can have date night or get out somewhere? We do that every few months if I arrange something and a sitter otherwise it would not happen. But most of the time lonely.

My girls are 1 and 4... I am constantly exhausted and at the mo I just feel like a single parent. I did have my own design business but I had to let my clients go when I got heavily pregnant with DD2 and I just couldn't manage the workload, now I seem to be struggling even more, they are my whole world but it's exhausting.

He works in film, he has to work lates as he's quite high up now, but I've never been to his work or met any of them I'm guessing he'd have no reason to lie he has tight deadlines with film trailers/releases etc. It's 10.40pm and he's still at work now in central London, I'm out in the countryside, I'm actually so pissed off as he's been so uncommunicative today I've gone into the spare room. I'm also hungry because I couldn't be arsed to cook a meal for one...

I get the whole 'I'm the main money earner and provide for the family' talk as well... it's so unfair because it makes me feel so small when he does it and I am trying to earn but we can't afford nursery and I can't find time to restart the business as I have the little ones 24/7.

It's so nice to hear other people are in the same boat (in the nicest way!). I know I need to build up my own little life, my mum keeps telling me that, but then on the other hand I'm a romantic and I want a relationship... not to find things to fill the void while he's always busy. I have a few friends and they are all in happy relationships and spend a lot of time with their hubbies.

Fuck I'm in late night pissed off angry mode now and venting ... I need a wine and a hug x

Oh pessi I feel for you so much I could've written that myself... it's so hard. I get the thing too like you said that when we finally get some time he's on his bloody phone! I feel like slapping him and saying 'pick me! Pick me!'

This morning he said he'd be on time tonight then he gets called in for a 6:30 meeting that runs on for hours, his hours are so unreliable. I've tried date nights but it never takes off... it's been so long it almost feels forced when we try to do anything romantic now. Shit I'm crying again!

Hi OP. I have a DH who works all hours too (banker).

My suggestion? Get a dog. They're incredibly loyal and make great companions for those long lonely nights once the kids are in bed!

I've been married for 29 years now. I adore my husband but I hardly see him. He works away Monday to Friday and exhausted the weekend.
I've learned to amuse myself. We have a son and we enjoy time together when my Hd is away.
I feel content with my life as I have learned to be happy alone.
When my husband is at home we don't do anything special but we watch tv series together. I'm very loving, he isn't but let's me hug him and kiss him.
He does make me laugh a lot. Maybe that's why I accept the situation.
I feel he is like a cat that I let out.
Learn to enjoy your alone time. Once you do that you may find you don't need much attention at all.
My dh sometimes he is away for weeks.

Hi Ellie sorry your so upset it’s hard for you as your h is in more unreliable so can’t make plans. I know what you mean about the phone I feel like screaming I go on my more deliberate but on here as it tells me I’m not alone and things could be worse. But it doesn’t help. You shouldn’t have to filled the void with friends otherwise you could have stayed single. Does he make time for the dc? Was he always like this or is it recent? I can’t tell you what to do and wouldn’t only you can decide but will it ever get better? My own situation was only a couple of years so I’m putting up yes people tell us we can appreciate the time alone but I didn’t sign up for that also it hurts. I don’t think people understand unless they have been through it themselves sending big 🤗 X