Trust your gut and trust mumsnet

[rogerfed]

I just wanted to write a message of encouragement to anyone who has a niggling gut feeling and who is being rationalised out of trusting it. I honestly believe if I hadn't been a reader of mumsnet of many years, my fiance would have managed to wriggle out of another lie and I would be heading full steam into an ill advised marriage.

They absolutely follow a script, one I would not have been aware of if I hadn't seen it played out so many times on this board.

Classic situation, I find a message notification from a girl I don't know on my partners phone while not overly flirtatious is definitely overly familiar and he had almost persuaded me it meant nothing ("It's my job", "I have to talk to people", "I had to give her my business card", but my gut tells me otherwise and the wise words of mumsnet come back to me.

I ask to see the chat exchange (that she refers to in the message notification) and he nearly loses his life! Tries to persuade me that the message exchange happened on another device which hasn't 'synced', but I push and sure enough he confesses that he deleted the chat because 'he didn't want to worry me, but there was nothing inappropriate on there' - see what I mean about a script?

In any case, for me it's a 'straw that broke the camel's back' situation, I have caught him in lies many times, but never had the gumption to really push.

Not really sure why I'm posting except to say thanks to this community who gave me the tools to kick a liar to the curb just in time.

I'm sorry that that happened to you, but I'm glad you listened to your instincts and probably saved yourself a lot more hurt. I second your message. I joined MN 7 years ago to ask for advice with my relationship; then I ignored it all. Convinced myself that internet strangers couldn't know anything really; they didn't know DH; their advice was well meant but totally over emphasising his bad points whereas really he's such a good man bla bla bla.

Of course, everyone was right; and I served my only child a much greater slice of pain that if I'd dealt with the issues when he was younger and wouldn't have been so affected by our eventual break-up. The vipers are wise. I wish we'd all listen to our inner voices much more. Women are so wonderfully instinctive and yet so many seem, like me, to have been socialised out of actually trusting the voice that tells you when something just isn't fucking good enough.

Well, Dljlr, if we can share the benefit of our experience, we just might put those messages out there at the right time for someone else.

I'm so mad at myself because this would have been my second marriage and I would have hoped that I had learned some lessons (faster) by now.

I also have an only child and I do think looking out for him was the one thing that made me more vigilant and less likely to swallow a load of BS.

Great thread op

Sorry you had to go through that OP but you're right, we should trust that instinct more because it's rarely there for no reason. MN has taught me so much, not just about instinct but also about finding the strength to act on it.

My situation was different but I honestly don't think I'd be where I am now if I hadn't read about a million threads on here about boundaries and what good and bad relationships actually look like.

It takes guts and strength to apply what we learn in real life though and the credit for that is all yours OP, you did that

Thanks Mycheckshirt, really needed to hear that today as I was wavering. I guess I follow a script too?

He's incredibly persuasive and everyone loves him (which I guess is part of the problem ). But reading your message, especially the part about boundaries, has reinforced the fact that I have definitely done the right thing by not swallowing a load of codswallop this time. He had almost got me feeling sorry for him! Almost.

I agree with you rogerfed 100%.

Mumnset, reading about the script, and my gut all helped me leave my arsehole of a STBXH and for that I am forever grateful.

Well done for getting out

It's the whole Wisdom of Crowds thing. The collective that is Mumsnet knows all about "The Script" and how abusers operate.

Different posters pick up on different comments in a post, some see a familiar pattern. Of course there are always a few outliers, but the majority always seem to get it right.

Amen to this thread

Glad to hear it was only almost Wavering is normal but that's where your MN training comes in and you call to mind all those 'light bulb moment' posts to bring you to your senses. You know where we are if you need a stern talking to though, stay strong and don't fall for any BS, time to write your own script

Great post and I'm completely grateful for MN. I've learned a lot from this place. Only wish the men would find some place else to post instead of here.