Its making me want to sleep with the guy from the gym!

[Awksy]

So DP is 38, me 31. Together 2 years.

He's great. I fancy him like mad, he's funny, thoughtful, handsome, he cleans, he cooks, he builds stuff, he's supportive of me, he gets me perfectly. He wants kids and would make a great dad.

He's basically the man of my dreams.

Except....

The sex needs to change.

Basically he is really tired with work which means we only actually have sex like once or twice at the weekend, I want more. Im guessing its an energy thing because he works 10 hour days except for the weekend when hes off so clearly has more energy. We are both fit and objectively attractive by which i mean its not like ive "let myself go" or anything.

When we do have sex he prefers to take a passive role when actually I would prefer him to be more dominant. The sex is now boring me as its basically him initating and then me taking control because if i dont then he doesnt. I used to be really big on my lingerie, I dont bother anymore because 90% of the time hes just going to crash and fall asleep in front of the TV and comes to bed at like 3am. Which makes me feel sad since I like lingerie and all that stuff.

Final issue, he cant actually ejaculate through penetration. Its been like that since the very first time we slept together. On that first night I actually nearly cried because it made me feel like shit. But now, sadly, I'm used to it.

I feel playful and up for it and experimenting but I feel like i have a partner who makes me feel.like im 70 in terms of our sex life.

We are really tactile and are tactile both affectionately and sexually if you get me. Its just the actual sex.

Now Im going crazy - dont laugh but theres a hot guy I sometimes see at the gym and I actually had a dream I had sex with him. Im going away for work and the thought swept through my mind - I could get laid by a stranger and he would be none the wiser.

PLEASE NOTE I do not intend to do either of these things, no way. Im just telling you so you can see how frustrated I am!

I dont know how to broach this because hes shy about this stuff. Also, who am I to ask him to change this, I dont want someone to have sex because they feel they have to.

At the same time i feel a bit dejected and like im having to kill off a part of myself. Any ideas?

I think it’s fair to be too tired for sex after working 10 hours, as for him to be more dominant have you spoken to him about this ? Tell him you’d like this and ask what he’d like sexually.

What about morning sex before he goes to work??

Are you a character from Sex and the City?

I agree with PP it's normal for someone to not want sex after a 10hour work day. It's obviously is that making the difference, as he's fine at the weekend.the
I don't know about the other issues - have you tried to actually speak with him about them?

This this would drive me nuts - the issue is not the infrequency of the sex - that’s understandable in a sense - it’s the rubbish quality of it. If you want (and need) a more dominant partner, you are unlikely to ever be satisfied with such a passive one. Telling someone to be more dominant in bed really doesn’t work. I’ve ended more than one relationship due to sexually incompatability. People underestimate the importance of it - for me it was (and is) absolutely necessary. You may feel that’s also the case for you.

You have to decide if the rubbish sex is a deal breaker for you in terms of this relationship. Not an easy decision when he’s such a good partner in other ways.

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad
Thank you so mucj it feels great to have someone who understands! You're right its incredibly hard when he's the "perfect" partner in other ways. Its just a lack of imagination/fun/healthy aggression thats boring me. I'm considering scaling it waaaay back next time we have sex, as in letting him initiate it but then also not being aggressive like I usually am and seeing what he does with that. I cant help it, I normally "take over" a bit, probably to counterbalance his softly softly approach. Will see what happens.

It’s worth a try Awsky - good luck.

Rubbish sex is a deal breaker for me. If you're like this right at the beginning what will it be like after 10yrs? I made the mistake of marrying a man like this and now I'm divorced.

& I thought my partner was absolutely perfect in every other way. Now sexual compatibility comes top of my list.

Sexual compatibility is a BIG deal. If it's not working for you now, unless he is definitely committed to change it won't get any better, in fact it will get worse.

Sounds like your sex drives are mismatched as well.

You need to find a time when he's not tired and have an honest talk about how you're feeling. Ask him how he feels about it all - try and frame the conversation so he's not hearing "you're rubbish in bed" as if he does think that's what you're saying it will only be worse as he will feel you're judging him every time you have sex.

Are there things he likes that you don't currently do? You sound like you're prepared to be adventurous, put it out there, are there things that secretly turn him on that he could share with you? If you have limits, possibly best to say them before he says he wants a threesome with your best mate, or he'd really like to tie you up and piss all over you or something.

Good luck with it, but ask yourself how you'd feel still having the same sex life 10 years down the line and whether you'd be happy? That should give you your answer. There is more to a relationship than sex, but if one partner is unhappy with sex then it becomes a defining point.

Final issue, he cant actually ejaculate through penetration

Here we go again. If I had a pound for every time I’ve heard this story.

He most likely is, or has been, a chronic masturbator with a porn habit. Of course there are many reasons for this sort of behaviour but I see the same reason come up over and over again (hence my username). If he’s rarely ever up for sex and can’t finish when he is, that would be my first thought.

I would also suggest and unhealthy porn habit.
And how does he expect to become a dad if he can't 'finish' the job?

You are starting to resent him.
We can see it in what you write.
You are basically, not compatible in some ways.

Do you want to live your life like this?
The next 20-30-40 years????
Because it won't change unless you do something drastic.
And your self-esteem will sink lower lower.

I think a good sit down, tell him what you've told us.
Suggest sex therapy and see what he says.
If he isn't willing to change then it's time for you to end things because they won't improve unless HE puts in some effort.