I've broken up with my husband but I can't afford to move out

[orchid11]

So after 16 years my partner and I have split up and it's been long overdue. I wasn't happy with his drinking habits, his smoking (cigarettes and pot) and his career which takes up at least 48hrs a week of his time plus most times he would stay for an hour+ longer to drink (he's a bar manager). I felt like I was constantly waiting around for him to have family time and one-to-one time. It's not healthy. So now we're done arguing and we're left wondering what happens next. The property is rightfully his to stay in, it comes with his job. I'm a full time mum and that needs to change fast; I need a job, my own money and my own home. I need a 3 bed as we have a 6 year old boy and a 2 year old girl so I don't know how I'm going to finance that, being that I've been out of work for years now and renting anywhere is very costly! I said I can't move out just yet and he said that's fine. I've been sleeping in the bed and he's been sleeping on the sofa, in separate rooms. I've told him I need him to look after the kids at least 2 times a week so I can concentrate on finding a job etc however he's working all week long so it's not a good start and I don't have family nearby to help and I feel uncomfortable to ask friends for help. The problem with us living under one roof is that already I feel like I'm in limbo, like we've separated but we kind of haven't. It's not absolute and it's confusing. Impulsively I feel like if he made a move then I would follow suit but I know if we tried again we still won't be happy and there would be no positive change. Does it get better and easier? Is there hope for a mum of 2 with no recent work experience??

Do ask real life friends for help. Also talk to citizens advice or go on ‘entitled to’ website to see what benefits etc would be available to you. And do you know his salary so you can calculate what maintenance you will get?

You don't actually need a 3-bed now. The dc can share.

Try getting onto the social housing list - as the property goes with his job, it may mean you get a decent banding to apply for housing.

I was in the same position as you OP. I moved out of the home with my 3 children near to my mum (several hours away).
He wanted to stay in the house so we left and started renting. I've been renting now to 3 years.
I am much much happier on my own. I was under a lot of stress whilst living with him.
It is hard but you can do it. Get your tax credits sorted if you need to ASAP. If you can afford to start renting do that. If not get some help in that department.
I hadn't worked for 5 years as I'd been looking after our 3. I started out getting help from benefits (had never claimed before) and started a course. I did some voluntary too.
I've been in work now for 2 years and wouldn't look back. I don't have time to get lonely and it can be tough but you will feel liberated and like you find yourself again.
You might need to start at the bottom again and work yourself up to where you were 7 years ago but the rewards come from a sense of self when you start work, plus the every day interaction you have.
I was pretty depressed and didn't have any friends at first. ( I still don't have many now but my work keeps me going in the social department.

If you feel you can't mend and are walking on eggshells everyday, this could be a good move.

Hi don't let it get you down you have lots of options you could go to your local housing tell them the situation social housing is a lot cheaper than private rent also while you do start looking you could get help with rent and eventually when you do get a job you can get child care if you do 16 hrs or more you will receive working tax child tax and child benefit plus maintenance of your ex partner there is loads of help out there don't stay in relationship that's un healthy for you also you might be surprised at how much your friends will want to help you I have been here a long time a go and I'm so much happier sold my home gave ex some and moved on don t get me wrong it's challenging but very rewarding good luck !

Is it possible to move nearer to family so you have some support? You can try social housing and find out what benefits you would be eligible for.

if it is amicable ish will he help you to set you and kids up elsewhere? deposit for rental?

op i would move back to family.

Also, presumably you're living above the bar? Did you never help out at all? I know an ex-partner's not going to be a reference, but if you did help out on the bar or with cleaning, at least that would be something to write on your CV.

Thanks I'll look into social housing. My family is from a rough area that I never want to move back to especially with my children. My parents are thinking about moving near me. I definitely want to stay in the area as my eldest is at school, I've applied for nursery for my youngest for when the free hours kick in, we have friends here and it's a lovely area. I might be able to convince my ex to help with a deposit; I just need to make sure I can pay the rent and bills.

Thanks Oceandegree for your inspiration! I'm not feeling positive, I've got a long way to go, but it's real life stories like yours that'll help get and keep me going

Well done for making what sounds like a difficult decision but the right one 👍

Definitely apply for social housing as PPs suggested.

You can also apply for income support (as a single parent with a preschooler), child tax credits and (once you’ve moved in somewhere) housing benefit and council tax support. If you’re in an area with universal credit, you’ll get that instead (but will still need to apply for CTR separately). Oh and I’m assuming you already get child benefit.

With those benefits plus child maintenance from your STBXH, you will be fine. When your youngest gets free hours at nursery you can use that time to get a job, maybe do volunteering or retraining if necessary, or just apply for jobs.

Does your STBXH have any assets, such as savings or pension? (I’m assuming you don’t or you would have mentioned them.) if so you should seek legal advice about a financial settlement. As a SAHP you have enabled his career by doing the childcare so you should be entitled to a share of any assets.

No never helped out in the bar. My STBXH (that's a new abbreviation for me!) told me if I did then we would be charged double rent as there would be 2 employees in the staff accommodation. I have no savings, my ex has very little savings and not much of a pension yet but we do already get child benefit and child tax credits. The free nursery hours start in January next year so I've got a while until I start benefiting from that. In the meantime I'm hoping my STBXH will look after our kids 2 days a week to help me earn money.

Is he likely to do that given that he never enabled you working while still together?

Until we sit down and talk it through I don't know what he'll agree to. He finished early today but he's downstairs drinking so I guess we'll talk about it another time...

You called him partner, so am guessing you aren't married: is that right?

Did I? We are married.

She called him husband in the thread title.

OP if you try to ask him to commit to giving you money or doing childcare, you will still be dependent on him and his whims. I suggest you leave him out of the equation, just check the legal minimum he should give you in child maintenance, and go from there.

Oh durrrrr. Sorry. I often miss thread titles and go to the body of the message. I don't know what's wrong with me.

If you are married and have not worked because you have been looking after kids and facilitating his career... then you need to see a lawyer. Does he have other assets aside from free accomodation for himself?

Ragusa
“my ex has very little savings and not much of a pension yet”
and he pays rent so not free accommodation

That's ok! His salary is rubbish to be honest and he has no assets. The cheap accommodation makes the job worth while.