Suicidal partner, I'm exhausted

[Wornthru]

Partner and I have been together for nearly 10 years on and off (highschool sweethearts, currently in early-mid 20s, he's 2 years older).
He has been ignoring mild depression for most of that time. I bargained with him to go and get help if I did, 5 years ago now. He didn't do it.

However, I got help for my severe MH health issues (anorexia, PTSD, DID) and after some rough spots I'm doing better than any of the drs predicted.

But I'm feeling swamped by his now severe depression, he hit emotional rock bottom a few months ago, which will happen if you don't treat depression. He started medication 2 months ago after I made the appt for him, wrote down what he should say so he would say it, and he got a referral to talk therapy that I since haven't heard anything about other than 'yeah I spoke to them on the phone it was pointless.'

He's mentioned suicide a lot, yesterday broke down and was going to throw himself in front of a train. Of course I didn't hear anything about it until he was home, 4 hours late for the father's Day dinner we'd cooked for him.

I'm lost and don't know what to do. So overwhelmed by all of this. I'm a young student parent, I'm in intensive trauma therapy, recently reported my historic child abuse to the police, his parents are useless so no support there, I have a 3 year old daughter to prioritise and now I feel like I'm on suicide watch for him constantly. He won't try any of the positive coping strategies I learnt in therapy, never tells me he's suicidal until he's drunk and about to do it, we're facing money issues too and his job is a huge source of stress but also means even though he gets paid a pittance he works on the weekends often and refuses to take any time off (he'd literally rather die than take time off for therapy.)

I'm stressed, exhausted and tbh angry. After the birth of my daughter I was facing crippling depression, c-ptsd and DID symptoms and knew I had to work hard for the sake of my daughter to get better and do the right thing. He doesn't even want to try.

I feel like I could rant for days and never get it all out. I just want to know what to do. I'm certain he's going to go through with it at some point.

I went through something similar with my husband. I thank go had support from his family and friends. I'd have gone under without it. It's such hard work. I read lot on the internet about supporting depressed partners.

Much of the advice came down to you have to look after yourself primarily. If he wont get help then you cant be all hus help. I went to the go with mine. Made sure he to pills. If he hadn't started exercising . Eating well . Seeing other people. Then I'd have left. It's a horrible illness but it doesn't give him the right to take no responsibility.

You can't stop his actions. But you have to take the time for yourself to be strong. Imagine yourself in s balloon so you can protect yoursel. g . But do let him talk.

Sorry. Awful typos. But the GP and him taking the medication was key. And having time to myself.

Okay, having been through similar with my DH, here is what I have learnt.

It is hard, very hard to support someone who is suicidal. You cannot take responsibility at that level. However you can get other agencies involved. The GP and the police saved my DH last year. Mental health services were poor and only stepped in after a suicide attempt from DH.

If your DH goes AWOL and you think he is going to immediately try to kill himself phone 999. I know not everyone gets a good response but honestly they were lifesaving when it came to keeping DH safe until he could access help.

So sorry, you are going through this, it is hard and can seem like forever but things will change. X

Really sorry you're going through this. I know from experience it's harder than you can put into words. But Crabapple is so right. You can't help him if you can't help yourself first. If you both break mentally then it's a downward spiral.
My advice is to take breaks. Might be difficult to convince him but ensure he is with someone you trust and take a night for yourself once in a while. Ensuring he is talking to a professional is always a good thing to take the full strain away from yourself.
I've recently got St Johns Wort (i think?) for my partner as he no longer wants to take proper anti depressants so that is the compromise we found.
Leaving notes around the house helps, supportive ones always including numbers to call or places to go if need be. Reassuring him that people do care and they will want to hear from him if he is feeling on the edge of doing something serious.
You yourself can call the hotlines for professional advice, so please do.
Then there's the obvious steps like hiding knives and any means to harm himself. Also asking him to check in at allocated time slots while you're away from eachother can ease your panic.
It is exhausting and it isn't something that will ever be short term. It has to be managed over a period of time. No magic cure.
My partner has made several attempts and at times it can really feel you are fighting a losing battle and drowning in it all. But in the end it is so worth it.
Again, I'm sorry you're going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I hope you find a balance soon. Please look after yourself!