Is it my responsibility to maintain contact with my MIL?

[DrNortherner]

Haven't been on MN a while but could do with some outside opinions.

In Sept last year MIL and I had a huge fall out. She said some very nasty and hurtful things about me. I had asked her to help with childcare when I was at work as ds was only part time at school. She said yes but then moaned and complained about it to SIL. I found this out and made alternative arrangements, telling MIL I would not ask her again to help, when she wanted to see my ds she could let me know when was good for her.

Since then she has not called or asked to see him. I only called her once to invite to ds's 5th birthday tea, she came, she went and we have not seen her since.

There is a history of MIL doing loads for SIL and her kids and not for my ds. The two of them haave vested interests. SIL has loads of holidays a year and needs MIL to have her kids, whilst MIl's mortgagae is paid for my BIL and SIL so in effect she is indebted to them.

I do not need her for babysitting and since I have stopped asking we have not seen her. She is now accusing me of stopping her from seeing my ds and my dh! My dh had no relationship with his mother when I met him, 6 months ould go by without them calling each other. I actively encouraged him to call her and invited her round. Since we fell out I I stepped away from this there is no realtionship left between any of us and she is blaimg me.

SIL and BIL are now getting involved saying MIL is old and could have a heart attack and I would not know as I don't ring her. They are encouraging a meeting between MIL and I so we can 'move forward'.

MIL is a woman who has slated me for coming from a council estate, slagged off my parents and my husband all in earshot of me.

I have no desire to be freinds with this woman, but do not want to stand in the way of her and my ds/dh.

Would it be acceptable to tell her that, that there will be no realtionship but we can be civil to each other?

it's no more your responsibility to ensure there is a relationship than it is hers.

What is her relationship with your ds like? are they close? would your ds miss her if he didn't see her? if so then maybe it would be adviseable to allow him to see her, but if not then tbh I wouldn't bother.

if your mil wants to see you then she knows where you live surely?

It might be helpful to make it clear to your BIL and SIL that you have never stopped your MIL seeing your DS. And that her relationship with her own son is something that you would never dream of interfering in.
I would make it clear that you are happy to discuss it if she wants, that she is an adult, she knows your telephone number, and there is no need for a 'family meeting'.

I have been in an almost identical situation to you, and the only way I could deal with it was to tell the 'messengers' that there was no problem as far as I was concerned, and that MIL was free to call me whenever she wanted to.
My MIL can cry at will, and has a wonderful way of twisting things, so a family meeting would have been unbearable.

I think it is really your DH's responsibility. she is HIS mother, the onus is on him to decide whether he wants a relationship with her. I don't understand why your SIL and BIL are bringing you into it, why don't they speak to your DH?

She should have the right to see your DS of course. But it sounds like you've already made that clear. As Humphrey says, it might be worth stressing that to your BIL and SIL.

I have to say, I am very conciliatory about this sort of thing, I tend to grit my teeth and think "oh well, they'll be dead soon" and swallow my anger. So in your place I would probably go along and try to build bridges for an easy life, all the while thinking "she's old, I'm young." But if you don't want to do this you shouldn't have to. I don't think it is your problem.

Ds has seen her twice since last September and he does not appear to miss her, doesn't ask to see her for example. That said, when she is around he clearly adores her and her him.

I think you are right about a 'family meeting' it would get out of control and she is a fantastice actress and very manupualtive.

Think I will call MIl to clarify taht can see ds whenever she wants.

Thanks.

She sounds like a treat. Relationships need effort from both sides. Yes I'd organise a quarterly visit (on my terms) but that's about it. After all, if she does kark it you would want to know, you might even get a new black dress out of the event, but that doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to be nice.

I keep my MiL at arms length, she visits or we visit when I say it's okay and she knows she abides by my rules or doesn't get to see her grandchild.

Tell DH it's up to him to set up the first meeting though.

Yes I think clarify to your MIL that "as I said when you want to see ds let me know when is good for you" I would also itterate that to your SIL & BIL ie that is the state of play and also make it clear that she is welcome to arrange visits via dh it doesn't have to be via you!

its not your responsability. its your dh's responsability to have ar elationship with his mother.

my dh loves his mum - he does, he just doesn't keep in contact. i have to remind him to phone her on her birthday etc.

it sounds like your a 'brook no shit' type of person. is there any chance you can get them all in a room and tell them the same thing.

the thing about telling one person and then another is - it gets twisted.

so all n one room to their faces.

"you are welcome to see dh and my kid anytime, give me some warning re my kid so i can make arrangments.

how dh wants to contact you is his business i'm not stopping him and i rather think you are doing yourself a dis service if you think you haven't raised him to be his own man ( ) we all know he is. Quite frankly i don't do family drama, so DO carry on without me. {exit stage left}

Custy I love it!!

YOu re right.

She sounds exactly like my MIL, in fact that could be her. She moans to my dp that she hardy see's her grandchild yet she makes to effort whats so ever, she never phones or calls round, it's always up to us to make the first move. So no i don't think it's you, it sounds like your MIL has a bee in her bonnet and it's not your fault!

Oh DrNortherner - welcome to my world! No further advice to give but just wanted to show solidarity in the face of unreasonable, blaming spiteful MIL's! Good luck

Great idea Custy, would love to be a fly on the wall at that 'meeting'!

I don't have any ideas for you DrNo, other than to say it's obviously not your responsibilty, your in laws are being manipulative, meddling and unreasonable and you seem to have acted in a dignified way.

However, it probably would be good to make a wee bit of an effort to see MIL, if only because you don't know how long she'll be around for, and not speaking to her could drag on until it's too late. Your DH clearly isn't that bothered about contacting her, but he (and your son) may regret that in the future.

FFS northerner is she at it again?

Totally agree with HumphreyCushion. Do not get drawn into 'family meetings' and such like, she will upset you and try to extract some kind of apology, you know what a manipulative cow she is.

I think you've done all you need to do, leave the pair of drama queens to perform on their own.

Dh regrets nothing. Honestly. This is a woman who was all set to levaer her kids aged 7 and 9 to live in South Africa with her married lover. He went back to his wife and it fell through.

She put her boys in her car, packed them a suitcase each and drove them to their Father saying 'You have them, I want a life'

They lived with their Dad from then on. She saw her kids every other weekend, unless she had a date or a better offer.

She seems to forget that childhood memories for dh do exist.

Hi Yorksirelass! Yes SIL spent 1 hour on the phoen last night being concerned about this.

I will talk to MIL and put a few things straight.

FGS they really do have nothing better to do, do they, other than create dramas?!!

Short and sweet is the way to go I reckon (but then you know I'm a meany )

How sad, no wonder your DH isn't bothered. I wonder if that affects her relationship with her grandchildren, or if SIL has guilted her into doing so much for her kids.

I'm just saying he may regret it later because grief does funny things to people, also, attitudes change and so on. One of my in laws had a VERY difficult childhood, both parents were neglectful and hurt my in law in different ways. However, my in law still has some contact with both of them and really makes more effort than they do. I really admire them because of the way they deal with the situation.

I was wondering where you were, I did a search but forgot you were a Dr now

(how is ds and school?)

I think you need to be civil but straight and don't get dragged into all the hoohar with SIL

but surely dh should be sorting this out, not you?

I really think its up to your DH to do what he wants to do re: his relationship with his morher - you can't have a relationship with her for him! Given the "he said, she said" nature of your extended family (SIL and MIL) I agree that its a good idea to get them in a room together and say what you want to say (then make swift exit as suggested), but if that doesn't work, there is no need for you to get involved in their drama if you don't want to.

I know that women are often responsible for 'keeping the family together', but if the situation was reversed, would you expect your DH to go out of his way to form a friendship with your mother?

Thanks for the input guys. It helps to know I am not being a mard hard bitch here.

Hi Olive Things are better but still not wonderful IYKWIM! I am no longer at my wits end though.

gin before noon?

Joking

You know me better than that surely?

yeah I thought your drink was vodka

It is NOT your duty to create a relationship between mother and son...where there obvously isnt one.
I know this scene inside out....and it could be my mil your talking about.
It was recently mothers day....he never even called her...she never calls here or comes around....or telephones to see her grandchildren....or son......and i have given up saying why dont you call your mum...To me...it is inconceivable not to ever call...and chat and visit...i adored my parents...but unfortunately they are both dead....I will never understand my husbands and mothers relationship....and i know like you...they blame me....hurtful...but there is nothing i can do about it.

Quick update. MIL came round and dh, I and her had a good long chat. It got rather heated at times, but think we have to come to an amicable decision that we will never be best mates but we can move on and be civil. We all agreed it was important she and ds have a relationship and she agreed. Says she will make more of an effort with him. Time will tell.

According to MIL, my SIL has been exagarating alot of things MIL is supposed to have said. There has been an element of she said this etc.

Now I have realised I can not really trust either, I will take a step back from all of this and not get involved with any dicussions on family matters with either of them.