Made to feel like nothing

[Charlie6289]

Hi, my partner of four years ended things 4 months ago and I am still totally devastated. He left our property and after that point has refused contact and cut me off social media. He didn't say he would do this so I never really got a chance to say goodbye. The issue is that he was really awful to me. At the 2 year point he said the spark had gone (a totally fair point for walking away) but then went on to explain that this was because I was too vanilla in bed (vanilla became a stock phrase in the relationship). The next two years became hell. He wouldn't hug or kiss me even. Every time I tried to initiate he would say 'we are in bed it's too routine I'm not turned on by you'. Underwear didn't help. We already had toys and bringing these out he would still say 'it's your attitude'. He was very arrogant and would say things like 'Ives been with much prettier girls but none as funny as you'. He was totally unable to give out compliments and when I asked him what he liked about me he said 'I'm with you for your personality'. At the three year point I found tinder on his phone. He has been sending dirty messages for about six months. He cried and said it was because I was so vanilla (we did lots of stuff and used toys so at this point I was completely destroyed because I just didn't understand what he meant). Wtf is a vanilla attitude?! The last year I was finding empty vodka bottles round the flat and he refused to talk about it. I was so bad to live with he had to be drunk! We has sex maybe four times that year and one night when I'm sure he was drunk he said 'at least I'm not terrible at hand jobs'. Next day because he didn't remember saying it I wasn't allowed to get an apology. He just said 'well you aren't great' as if it was constructive criticism! The final months he would excuse himself from events early or not go at all as he had not decided all my friends were dicks. I found out from checking his laptop that he was going on porn every work lunch and when I popped to the shops. At least once a day. When confronted he said it wasn't often and was not affecting sex because he had loads of kinky sex at uni before I was around and I was vanilla. I cannot get an apology or explanation (he literally hugged me as I walked in the front door from a girls trip and said it over then left after an hour)as he has totally ghosted me, and am pretty sure he is really happy I'm gone. I feel totally destroyed and as if I'm terrible in bed. I'm 31 and have had to move back to parents even though I own the flat as it's too painful to go there. It's now on the market and I'm devasted but I can't cope with all the confusing and painful memories there. Any advice? I'm the only single one in my friends and all are married, and I don't think I can be with anyone again as he has made me feel like I have a problem and am terrible in bed. Please help!

He has a serious problem with his own attitude to sex, hasn't he? I think he feels inferior and substandard, and is projecting this onto you. Apparently vanilla is the most popular flavour of ice cream (and everything else). It's his problem, not yours, and it's good that this has happened now, before you've had children! This man has problems and is not a keeper!

Oh dear he doesn't sound nice at all.
Please try to rebuild your self esteem this is not normal from the sound of what you are saying is your partner has been a controlling arrogant sex pig ! He either new what he wanted and it was that distorted he couldn't discuss this with you or has his own sex issues and has passed
These on to you.
Please do not think this is normal normally on a relationship if you're not sexually
Matches you just end it... not this

What were you actually getting from
This relationship.

You can find someone
Who will adore you not a sex pig !

What a fuckwit he was. You're well rid. He was a shit person and made you his emotional punchbag to make himself feel good. Prick.

He doesn’t sound like a wonderful lover himself. Good sex takes two. Sounds like he wanted you to do all the work and he was too lazy to make the effort and it was easy to blame you for being ‘vanilla.’

OK this is not good.
You put up with 2 years of being treated like shit.
Put downs and your self-esteem is now on the floor
Understandably!!!
Please contact Womens Aid and see if you can do their Freedom Programme.
You should have dumped this loser years ago so you need to look at why you didn't.
Why you put up with this crappy treatment.
Try to attend the Freedom Programme in person but if you can't then they have an on-line course.
You are well rid.

The problems are his. He has fetishes or kinks that prevent him from enjoying sex within reasonable boundaries, I think. I suspect he'll fail to find any real sexual satisfaction within a loving relationship without therapy of some sort.

But the only bit you need to take from all that is 'The problems are his.' Seriously. I'm sorry you used so much energy and effort trying to please him.

He sounds like an appalling lover, OP. I understand that you're upset but it might help to see that you're upset in the way someone who's just been beaten up would be. This man treated you in a vile way. Things can only get better.

OP - this sounds terrible and the last two years of your relationship seem abusive and soul crashing.
Spark going and sexual incompatibility can happen, can’t do much about it - but no reason to torture the partner about it.
You should have kicked him or there and then.

If I were you - i’d hang on to the flat and rent it out. One day - you’ll be ok and can reclaim your life. Don’t let him do that to your life!

And - so seek some counselling. You need to work on your self-esteem, and figure out why you stayed with the man who so clearly was not good for you.

That person basically mentally abused you to keep you down and grateful. It worked because he made you feel like your nothing but let me tell you that you are most definitely something and something far better than he will ever be.

He played a game with your head to destroy your self esteem and it was very deliberate on his part.

You really need to spend some time rebuilding your confidence. I would also recommend not dating while you do this.

You actually need no contact with him and I would recommend you block him on every single social media platform.

His treatment of you means that this isn't just a break up where people, feel really sad you will literally be going cold turkey and it will be far tougher. I dated someone who messed with my head and it took far longer to recover than the other regular break ups I had.

You will be alright it just sadly can't be instant. Plan time with friends and doing as many things for you as possible.

You weren't the problem. He expected you to preform like a porn star. Sounds like he only cared about what he wanted. Vanilla just means normal. Me and DH are vanilla You deserve someone who loves you and who respects you.

You’re well rid, he sounds like a complete and utter arsehole, and an abusive and alcoholic one to boot. Count your lucky stars you’re not with him anymore. It’s not you, it’s him.

Why would you even want a chance to say goodbye to someone like this. You should have been running for the hills.
This clearly was his problem, nothing to do with you.
You ar e well rid. Now focus on building your confidence again.

Op this was a high level of mental and emotional abuse. Please don't think it's your fault. I experienced some of this with my exh. The first man I slept with post divorce restored a lot of my self esteem ruined by exh and it wasn't anything spectacular just sex with a nice bloke who was respectful and cheerful. We didn't date for long but I cNt even explain how much that experienced changed me!

Being called vanilla isn't normal. Brian criticised all the time isn't normal. None of what's in the op is normal god it's awful op you are well rid though that's difficult to accept just now x

Good riddance to bad rubbish I say! Sell the flat buy a new one and start your new life.

What a horrible man! One day you will realise that you are much better off without him. His accusations of sex with you being "vanilla" are just ridiculous. Vanilla just means "plain", but honestly it sounds like he didn't even know what he wanted and he was blaming it on you.

What a nasty piece of work he sounds. I get the impression that he is insecure about his own abilities in the bedroom and has projected those onto you. And he's a porn addict with a drink problem.

I understand it's tough for you, a separation always is. But you'll come to realise one day what an emotionally abusive cretin this pathetic little man is and that you can do so much better.

And you WILL do better. It was HIS problem, not yours. Sounds like you were making more than an effort to satisfy him, but I don't think this man is just cold and unfeeling. All the porn has probably warped his expectations of sex.

You're well out of this relationship. Work on rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem, because he's trashed it to make himself feel better about his own failings. Sell the flat, start a new beginning, and for Gods sake don't let what this POS drag you down for the rest of your life. Not all men are like this, and there's nothing wrong with you or what you did in the bedroom.

I say this speaking from experience - was once in a relationship just like it. He'd slept with SO MANY women, and done SO MANY more kinky things, and they were all SO much more pretty / busty / leggy than me, found porn he accidentally-on-purpose left lying around, found websites he'd been accessing for sex hookups with married women.... he was 10 yrs older than me with a drink and drug problem. Believe me, I saw the light and totally see that he was the insecure one. He was the one that was awful in bed. He attacked my confidence to make himself feel better about his own MANY inadequacies.

It took a couple of years of singledom, and some therapy, to get over the abuse. But I'm now with a man who is besotted with me, who never fails to tell me how attractive he finds me and who I enjoy a very good sex life with. It wasn't me with the problem. And it isn't you with the problem.

He's pathetic and abusive and blaming the fact that he was crap in bed and impotent on you. Please move on from that arsehole and don't waste another thought on him.

God we hear some stories on here but this one is bad....hope you keep reading and posting op x

Ives been with much prettier girls but none as funny as you'. He was totally unable to give out compliments

He sounds like a total pain in the bum but that was a compliment in a clumsy male way.

Please seek out some counseling for yourself, you deserve to feel happy and confident again after the horrendous way you’ve been treated by your ex. What an arsehole!

You were definitely NOT the problem in this relationship

This man spent years abusing you, no wonder you feel broken.

The problem was not you. His behaviour was completely out of order and extremely abusive in a number of ways.

Please consider going on the Freedom Programme or doing it online (freedomprogramme.co.uk). It's a 12 week course (2hrs per week). It's not therapy, it's just information and you don't have to share anything about yourself or what's happened. You can just listen.

When it was suggested to me I was convinced it did not apply to me and wasn't right, but I decided to go and see. I'm so glad I did. It brought everything I hadn't been able to understand into focus and changed my life.

You don't have to believe my assessment or understand what I mean when I say what he did to you was abuse, but please consider going anyway so you can gather all the information they will give you and you can make your own mind up. What have you got to lose?

It will help protect you from men who behave like this and help you be able to picture a future for yourself again. You've got such a bright future ahead of you now he's gone, you just have to take up the help that is available from Freedom and other organisations.

Everything he did was designed to hurt you, control you, degrade you, isolate you, confuse you, and break you. None of it was your fault. You are not the awful person you feel yourself to be.

I remember how overwhelming it can feel, so just do one thing today. Take one step, and check out the freedomprogramme.co.uk website.

Don't worry about tomorrow's step until tomorrow gets here. One step, one day at a time. You will get through this.

Hi lovely

Just wanted to say,

That no one can make you feel inadequate with out your permission, no one can MAKE you feel anything.

What you can do, is take back the power from him about how you see yourself, because in reality it's him who feels,this way about himself, hes projecting all over
you.

Park these feelings, and acknowledge that your worth a damn sight more than he was able to give you, if you accept shit behaviour, you cannot be surprised when you get it. 💐