Hi everyone, my first post here.
I guess I just need some advice from anyone who’s ever been in this situation.
I’m 39 and been with my husband 23 years this year.
We have two beautiful teenage daughters.
We’ve had our problems like anyone else and I forgave him twice over the years for secretly seeing someone else (once while I was pregnant).
So over 2 years ago he went to work 3 hours away, just coming back at weekends.
It was good for a while and the extra money was nice. I have health problems so I found it hard with the kids on my own but I coped.
Last year he seemed to be drifting away from us. He was enjoying husband time away too much (pub after work most nights, cinema nights with his workmates etc). When he came home at weekends he preferred to sit and watch tv on his own and me and the kids seemed like an irritation to him.
Then things got worse and even though we didn’t argue he drifted further away and the phone calls stopped. He then stopped coming home at weekend altogether. He saw the kids once a month at best two.
After a couple of months I was in a complete state. I didn’t want my marriage to be over. I just wanted my Husband back home with me. I contacted him and he didn’t want to know. As I had done nothing wrong I knew there had to be a reason for it all. One day I became desperate and logged into his email. I found out that he had met up with an old flame (the one he cheated on me with years ago). He’d arranged a date evening with her and according to his messages to his family he was hoping she’d have feelings for him.
I couldn’t believe we weren’t even officially separated (he never said we were over in any way) and he was pursuing someone else.
Apparently she had no interest in him and felt they were just friends so he got blown off.
Christmas was approaching and I felt that I still loved him despite what he’d done.
I started sending begging messages to him which he ignored. My eldest cried on the phone for him to come back to us.
He just told her he didn’t love me anymore.
I lost 20 pounds in weight.
A few days before a Christmas he messaged me to say he’d had a bad dream about me and he felt alone and that he might not be happier on his own.
He came back for Christmas and I welcomed him with open arms. He never did apologise for trying to see someone else. He thought he did no wrong as he wasn’t getting what he needed from me.
Things were great for 5 months. He bought me gifts, told me he loved me and that he was glad we’d had another go. We still only saw him at weekends.
Then a month ago I stupidly read his text messages. I read back over the messages to his family during our separation. I found out that there was yet another woman he was messing around with at the time. His family were literally encouraging him to play the field as they don’t like me and never have. It seemed that he was trying to get together with this other woman that he was met at his family’s party (I’m not sure if he slept with her that night).
I felt destroyed but said nothing for a few weeks. Then during an argument I blurted it out that I’d read his messages and that I knew there was a second person involved.
I told him I have terrible trust issues especially with him working away. I asked whether he would ever want to come back home and find a job closer to home but he didn’t seem to care. He didn’t apologise for his infidelity or say that he’d change.
I asked him to leave the house and went without saying a word.
We didn’t speak for the last month (even though I’ve been I hospital and having terrible health problems). He’s seen the kids twice in 4 weeks.
The other problem is financial. A guy turned up at our house because the joint mortgage is 4 months in arrears. I didn’t even know - he never told me he was behind with payments.
I’ve been feeling ok until yesterday. I started messaging him and telling him I still love him. I love him so much I just want him to get a job closer to home and go back to how’ve things once were. I want my girls to have a father figure. If he didn’t work away he’d be here and there wouldn’t be trust issues.
I messaged him and asked if he’s divorcing me but he just said we will be separated for now. I haven’t slept for 2 nights as I just want to beg him again to try again.
I can’t eat and my heart is breaking. My girls are suffering because I’m losing my mind.
Please tell me what to do in this situation.
I know deep down he doesn’t care about us but for some reason I can’t stop trying to fix my marriage. As time passes I forget his bad points and only remember the good times. I can see myself going through the same pattern as last time.
Any advice is appreciated xx