Would you end a marriage when you have two children under 18 months?

[Prusik]

I don't even know what to say here. Convince me it'll get better. Boys are grand. Our marriage, not so much. Youngest is 5 months and he definitely was the spanner in the works for our marriage.

Can you give us a little bit more information? Have you spoken to your husband about how you’re feeling?

Both of you are under a lot of pressure at the moment. When I had two under two our marriage hit a rocky patch. It did get better, and better - I hope your’s does too.

I don't really know how to talk to him. He's here but he's not present. He'll look after the boys but doesn't really talk to them. He's currently sat across the room to me but in silence. He doesn't say good morning or ask me how my night/day was. He'll cook dinner and tidy the kitchen. He's been decorating and cleaning.

I just want him to be WITH me. He's decorated the whole upstairs since my youngest was born and is out of sync with the care giving so I have to ask him to change a nappy, for example. My eldest was bottle fed and he was amazing with him. It's basically gone to pot since the youngest was born.

You need relationship therapy. It costs, but not a fraction of what a divorce will.

A baby can be a nuclear bomb in a relationship. I would give ut time. Let the post baby dust settle. Encourage date nights and communication.

Babies put a lot of stress on a relationship. You've got 2 babies and it must be hard work.

Do you ever get couple time? You need to remember as well as being parents you are a couple too.

I'd encourage you to talk to him and express how you feel before giving up.

I recognise the username

Its not a surprise I think your financial issues, ill health of your oldest coupled with your husband complete lack of being able to think of anyone other than himself - that is the real issue I think that you need to address

@Quartz2208 I think you've summed it up in one. We were going to sit down tonight and write down all our income and expenses but he's decided he's going to make tortilla wraps tonight instead so is enjoying some music in the kitchen and cooking while I'm on my own in the living room with a 5m old using me as a dummy.

It's so tough because he's a good man with a selfish streak. I think he's taking me for granted as he feels so secure in our marriage. I've suggested not so long ago that it is possible to divorce but he said I was being passive aggressive and not discussing it properly.

BUT HE WON'T DISCUSS

We do have a therapist but struggling to afford it at the moment

Friends of ours have just split in similar circumstances because he wouldn’t discuss their issues and ended up cheating on her and blaming her saying he “just needed someone to talk to”

You need to stop it getting that stage but I don’t know how.

i suspect its also because he never thinks of anything other than his own needs he never really gets the situation - is he still overspending on food.

I think you more than do wifework I think you take on all the stress of it as well leaving him gliding through life

He's currently eating a lot of gf porridge and coconut milk and is on a low fodmap diet but on the flip side now isn't napping through life and now gets up with the toddler every morning without fail.

I'm not sure about the wife work. He does pitch in and I can't comment on whether I'm taking on the stress or he's not doing it. Eg I always book the food shop and he checks and adds to it. If I don't cook he decides what to do and sorts it. I tidy toys, he doesn't. Hard to say. I do get more stressed with the day to day running of the house but then I like to get it done during the day. He does it if I don't manage it. Who created that? My therapist would say partially me

He'd 100% never cheat. He just accepts our marriage is staying. If anyone was going to I'd be more likely. Not that I'm interested in cheating

I like to think my marriage is as solid and as happy as they come but even I mentioned the D word when our second born was about 4 months old.
Ours was mostly bickering and him picking at me. It gave him a sharp shock. And things improved from there.
The most important thing is you have to talk to each other. But don’t throw it in the towel during such a stressful stage of your life.

Bickering, yes. I've turned into a nag. Not in DH's words but I know I'm nagging and not expressing myself properly.

I just asked him if he had a good day and he said yes. We hardly talked all day!

I went out on Wednesday evening for a couple of hours and that's made a massive difference to me. I've also started just dumping the baby on DH and walking away. He's currently wrangling them both while I chill upstairs. I wonder if there was a little bit of martyrdom involved on my part

DH and I never argued until kids came along. We had DS and then 18 months later DD came along (both planned)
DD coming along completely stressed is out. I’d had a nightmare stressful pregnancy and then she was a very hard work baby. DS was going through a difficult phase too so we just took it out on each other.
Now theyre 4 and 2.5 and things are 100 times better.
So I guess it depends on what you’re issues are. I’m glad we stuck it out as 2 small children can put a massive strain on a relationship.
Hope you’re ok x

Prusik with the greatest respect I think you do martyr yourself a little so if you are starting to stop then its a good thing

@Quartz2208 an unfortunate behaviour taught by my mum. I'm working on it slowly but surely. We can't afford regular therapy sessions but regular enough. Funnily enough, this weekend with no distractions dh was a dream. Felt like back to normal. I really struggle to deal with the tough times.