Friend won't listen about idiot boyfriend

[patphelan]

Back story - friend (late 20s,2dc) met a guy last year and they had a 'relationship' for about 3 months. He constantly blanked her, told her he was on his way to see her then never turned up, didn't answer his phone and then arrived a few days later as if nothing had happened blaming the car or something trivial. He fucked her about daily. Turned out (as we all suspected apart from her) that he was in fact with someone else, living with her and her kids called him dad. A fairly serious relationship. He ended up having to choose between my friend and this other woman, he chose the other woman. Friend was devastated. She fell in love very very quickly and changed everything about herself to try and get him back but gave up and was only just starting to get over him when he turned up out the blue a few weeks ago. He got his daughter to message her saying how sorry he was etc and she fell for it hook line and sinker. Since then, he turns up at her house usually 2/3am, has sex, falls asleep then leaves the next morning. He blocks her so she can't contact him and then unblocks a few days later saying sorry, takes her out to the cinema then a few days later blocks her again. This has been repeated for the past few weeks and every time she's in a state, crying, not eating, not sleeping properly and constantly complaining to all of us about how she doesn't understand him or makes excuses for him. We are all fed up listening to it. He's so immature (in his 30s) and has absolutely nothing to offer anyone, no job, no house no fuck all but she's running after him like he's some sort of god with half a set of teeth. When he's treating her 'well' she's on cloud 9 and then days later she's back to reality.

We have told he repeatedly that he is taking tbe piss, he's using her and he will be laughing about this. It's giving his ego a stroke but she continues to let him in.

Any advice? What will make her listen?

Sadly there's nothing you can say to her and she has to realise what a shitbag he is on her own. It's really frustrating but all you can do is be there for her

I'm guessing you've told her how crap he is and she hasn't left him so I don't think saying more will make her leave. I suppose you can get her to write a list of all the good things and bad things and I'm sure the bad would outweigh the good and she'd still be chasing him. It sounds to me like she's got very low self esteem as she accepts being treated like this so she needs to love herself more and write down everything that's great about herself and get her to write down her perfect partner attributes and what she thinks she deserves. I bet even then she'd still accept this idiot... hopefully not once she realises she deserves better. But only she can really decide but you can do those little tips

People don't tend to want unasked for advice. She is in love and this blinkered. Poor woman.
Be there for her when she realises.

I think you need to change tack. Rather than telling her what you think she should be seeing, and telling her what to do, you need to help her realise it for herself.

Try asking questions to get her thinking and give her space to air any doubts. If you keep telling her what to think and (from her perspective) slagging him off, she'll get on the defensive and will shut out any of her doubts along with what you're trying to tell her.

Ray asking things like how it makes her feel when he blocks her, where does she see it going, where does she hope it's going, what does she like about him, how does she feel when he turns up at 3am, how does she feel when he disappears....

Help her get there by herself.

Thinking long term, she sounds like she'd probably benefit from the Freedom Programme. She sounds vulnerable, she needs the tools to protect herself and find healthy relationships. She seems to be in a pattern of not being able to identify how unhealthy this relationship is, FReedom would help her with that for the future (freedomprogramme.co.uk).

I also agree with the comments on self esteem. If you Google "CCI self esteem" it should take you to some useful resources, that might help you in knowing how to help build her up.

I realise this is incredibly difficult and frustrating, but you can't force her to come to these realisations. If you keep "attacking" this guy you run the risk of her getting so defensive about it she shuts you out completely and refuses to even acknowledge the problems to herself. Make it clear you're not judging her and keep the lines of communication open.

He's got no job? Doesn't she care he's a lazy piece of shit who doesn't provide for his dd1.

The lightbulb moment for me was when I was talking about the relationship drama and my friend told me she was bored of hearing about it and bored of giving sympathy and advice. It really hit home how rapid the happy/sad cycle was being. We stopped discussing him, and I soon realised how bored I was of the whole thing too. Their advice had made me dig my heels in, and I had found imaginative ways to defend him and in that I managed to persuade myself it was all worth it. The idea that my all consuming relationship was actually dull, repetitive and boring horrified me!

all you can do is listen when this crashes hard into a wall ... because it will ...