Emotional labour

[NeedHoliday101]

So, do you share the emotional Labour/time with the kids, or is one parent in charge?
My husbond is shite at resolving conflicts with kids, 10 and 15, and always has been. Years ago, I said to leave it, Ill do it (here, I made a mistake, as I thought it was obvious I meant "untill you learn!!!")
This morning it dawned on me that he has no intention of leaning, he just stay well out of everything that resembles any interaction with kids, that is not comfortable. He has short conversations with them, if kids talk to him, but he never start. He is willing to take trips, going out etc, with all of us, but is never suggesting anything, just tagging along.
I am a SAHM,(kids are obviously in school untill 2, I have small compagny, which requires 10 hours a week) he is home from work at 4, so plenty of time/energy for him to interact with kids.
I know I call it Labour, because it also drains me, but surely I can be dissapointed that he seems so uninterested in children; he avoids general interaction with them, he admits, in fear of a possible conflict.
Otherwise a good husbond, it just makes me sad, as in my perspective, he is not that involved with the kids.

I don't think this is going to change now they're 10 and 15. He's not been engaged at all so why would he start now?

I know. I just wanted to know if I am asking too much? I know he wont chance. I read somewhere in a post, that OP was "running the family" and he made the money. It sounds - and feels - very divided. But is it normal?
I feel it is hard to be close to him, when he cant be close to kids. I feel he is rejecting them/me. And i am not sure he is not verbally abusive, but I guess he is, as I, many years ago, asked him to stay out of conflict-areas, as he always made it worse. I just assumed he would continue to better himself in that area.
I also think he is difficult to speak to, if subject is about his actions, as he gets very defencive. How can you tell if he is abusive?

Think it is pretty normal. I guess as you asked him to avoid those situations, he's really taken you at your word.

No, it’s not normal and it’s poor parenting on both your parts, but especially his.

But he always seem to make matters worse, and insists he cant do conflict "my way" as in no intimidation and no bullying.

Which makes him a poor parent. Which you’ve tolerated for years.

Thanks. Just what i needed.

What did you expect posters to say: yes that’s “men”, just carry on?

Never mind. I Should not have asked.

Sorry to say this but my dad was exactly the same (still is) with me and my sisters. My mum did everything and all the interaction with us, he just went to work. I have to say we don't have a great relationship now and if him and my mum happened to separate I would probably hardly ever see him and wouldn't even know what to talk to him about. It's really sad but unfortunately I think it's a bit late now.

If I adress it, he remind me of all the things i cant do, and state that when i insist it has to be my way- no bullying- i can do myself. I have mental health problems and dont drive far. He use that. Im not sure how bad this is. Not sure what info to write here.

Why don't you increase your hours and let him pick up the slack? It's a good way of changing the power balance between you.

I cant work more hours, but money is not the issue? What is pick up the slack?

Some people on here are so lacking in empathy it's incredible!

He sounds awful, op and if he can't manage to deal with his own dc without bullying and intimidation then yes - he is abusive.

He hasnt done in years though, as i asked him to stay off. Just thought he would be better at it. It didnt occur to me he was happy to let me do it forever..

I deal with our DD as my DH and her are both so similar that there’s a clash and things aren’t as harmonious as they could be.

It’s much easier and more pleasant for us all if I’m in charge and manage things. We’ve just gone through GCSE’s with no problems.

Joysmum - what is GCSE?
Do you consider him abusive, as most do on mumsnet? Or just "different parenting style"? Have you concidered leaving him?
Im not sure! I have mental health problems, and he makes my life better. I am a better mum because of my husbond, I have no doubt. But I hate that side of him, and I am so sorry he dont have much of a relation with the kids, unless we do stuff. Holidays, beach, trips - then he is all over happy to spend time with kids. But the day to day stuff, he is just so fast at getting angry. My 15 year old can still debate things with me - what time he come home, doing chores etc - but if my husbond ask him he almost say "yes sir" - very submissive - he knows my husbond is going through the roof if he say no or argue about it, and it creates a lot of tension, both with me and my husbond, but also with him and the kids. They rarely speak. Argh, I dont know what to do!

Have you spoken to your DH about this?

I told DH years ago that I didn't like what I was seeing. I felt he was parenting like his dad did and DH has always felt his dad wasn't a great dad and didn't spend enough time with him and put too much pressure on him to be tough and not show emotion. I told him that not only was his behaviour and lack of engagement with the DC going to end up with them not having a great relationship with him, but also he was role modeling what a dad and husband should be. I asked him if he would be happy if our boys parented like he did, or if our girls were married to men who parented (and husbanded) the way he did. No? So change your behaviour and show them what a good dad is. That was a wake up call and he's been better since.

He still needs the occasional intervention though. Whenever I think he isn't handling things well or needs to adjust how he parents (especially regarding our most difficult child whom he clashes with) or maybe I just think he needs some one on one time with a particular child then I discuss it with him. Less me telling what to do and more explaining that I am concerned about stuff. I try not to make him feel attacked but make it more about what I see and what I am worried about.

He thinks his way is good.. if they just did as told, there wouldnt be a problem!!! He has 2 grown up children, never any problems with them. Clearly im to blame for the 2 we have.

No he’s not abusive

We are lucky as we are chalk and cheese so are good at different things in life which makes our relationship a partnership and us stronger and better together than if we were apart.

GCSE’s are the exams children in the UK take at 15/16 years old.

He winds my dd up when he thinks he’s being helpful as he’s single minded and practical but not very good at the emotional stuff.

We are all happier sticking to what we do best but then it’s nit because we are refusing to do anything or playing games

I am Really confused about my Home situation..