Family dynamics making time together unbearable

[Wifelife]

Long post & not sure how to start - sorry!

I’m struggling to be around my own family for any sustainable length of time, particularly when we’re all together at the same time. Things unravel quickly, often alcohol fuelled and it leaves events like Christmas and Easter unbearable.

As the years have passed reasons for this have become clearer, my parents divorced when I was 6 and sister 4, DM then remarried the man she had an affair with who quite frankly never really liked my DS or I, they soon had my second DS together and this started the typical favouritism, she got expensive and excessive gifts and we didn’t etc but this was never a trigger for issues in childhood and in general first DS and I weren’t trouble makers and just got on with what was a very bizarre homelife (he didn’t acknowledge us when he came home from work, ignored us, told us not to talk about other family namely DF and was just generally unpleasant)

The issues really started when I was 14 and stepdads brother moved in with us and sexually abused me for the 10 months he lived with us, I very much saw it as a romance and was oblivious to manipulation. In recent years it’s become obvious to me that my DM and stepfather knew or at least suspected the entire time (they would tell me I was tempting him and would have an issue leaving me alone with him) when I broke down and told them after he left they cut contact with him but also called me a slut and that I ruined youngest DS life by destroying her family...

Despite this I think I’m fairly unscathed, went to the furthest uni I could find, met wonderful DH, we now own our own home, TTC, I have a job I enjoy and longstanding, positive friendships but my family relationships are so dysfunctional and I don’t feel I’m ‘starting it’ as such

DS 1 is very argumentative, seems very resentful of anything I do and have, announced during our last family argument that she was in counselling because of all the issues that mainly stem from when I was 14, DM always says ‘she actively refuses to do anything you did’ including dropping out of school despite good prospects etc

Second DS has major anxiety and is in counselling for depression (she’s a teen) DM and her dad (my stepfather) have always made allowances for her because her family dynamic is difficult... things like no need to get a part time job, no need to contribute to general household chores, general poor attitude never being called out - even DS1 says that this DM isn’t the same one that raised us...

Both my DS are very close, they do a lot together, talk much more openly whereas if I’m around I get pleasantries or arguments - nothing deeper and it’s so hurtful, when I show an interest I’m told to butt out or that I’m being judgmental.. I feel like a stranger much of the time

As for DM we talk everyday and I love her deeply as I love them all but she’s still with step father who despite everything I don’t dislike but I have always felt this huge sadness that despite all that’s affected me and DS1 with his general attitude she doesn’t raise it and stays put. We’re the closest and perhaps that is why my sisters don’t feel close to me?

AIBU to feel it’s unfair that something awful that happened to me is used as ammunition to all of their issues? I understand things do affect all of the family but I feel really resented and find time together hard but that then makes me feel very guilty, any advice?

Sorry - so long!

That’s fairly self explanatory. To me you need to release your feelings and live your own life with your husband and don’t put such value on those that clearly aren’t really there for you like a mother and siblings should.

They sound like a shower of bastards and, I really don’t mean to offend you, you sound like you’re in denial. I’m going to trot out the old ‘have you had counselling?’ Line, because I think you need it. I think you have buried your past, rather than facing it and that some day it may open like a floodgate. I’m talking from experience here.

Thank you for your replies;

I had some counselling about 10 years ago, quite brief and at the time didn’t find it very helpful, it is something I’ve been talking to DH about revisiting on and off as sometimes things can get too much and I know I have my own issues to sort out.

I think what I find the most difficult to deal with is that they’re so quick to play the blame game and have an eternal rift yet refuse family counselling or just letting go.

I’m very torn about going NC but i do generally feel happier away from them all but I worry that’s really drastic and selfish

drastic and selfish? Would you want any future child having contact with these people, OP? Would you want any child witnessing them treating her/his mother like that? If the answer is yes, then that would be drastic and selfish behaviour. It sounds like you’re in a good place, with a good marriage. Your husband is your family by choice now. Your birth family is your family by accident. You are not obligated to keep in contact with people that validate their miserable existence by using you as their verbal and emotional punch bag.

It is extremely unfair. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and that your parents didn't protect or support you.

Have you had any kind of therapy to help you deal with all of this, including but not limited to the fact that you feel guilty for trying to maintain boundaries to safeguard your own wellbeing? And your apparent tendency to put everyone's needs except your own first?

Maybe I'm leaping here, but I get a bit of a sense that your mum's response to the sexual abuse in your childhood has affected your ability to assign fault where it rightfully and factually belongs (which is not the same as being bitter, it's just acknowledging that it does not sit within you) both in the past and more so in the present.

You lean towards recognising that what happened to you was awful and that it therefore isn't right that you're being blamed or scapegoated, but then you back away from this. And you don't seem to be able to stand your ground or set boundaries in that respect.

Does any of that ring true? Allowing yourself to agree with them that it was more your fault than anyone else's wouldn't be that unusual as a protective mechanism; it's hurtful and devastating to have to recognise the extent of our parents' culpability for something terrible that happened to us. They are supposed to protect us after all.

I can't really get a handle on the ages of you and your sisters, but they're clearly not very old, so presumably you're still pretty young yourself. They sound like they're in a lot of pain. I can't help wondering if there's more to that than "just" what happened to you.

There's not a great deal you can do to change their choices. You can stay in their lives, and be there for them if they want to turn to you, but you can't change the way they treat you.

I have to say, I was quite surprised to read that you speak to your mum every day. That's pretty full on even for somebody who hadn't had the childhood experiences you had. Is there any element there of you trying to overcompensate? Pushing away your own boundaries and needs so she will accept you and you'll never have to feel the way you did at 14 when she blamed you for what had happened to you?

I can't say what's going through your sisters' minds, and nor can anyone else. Part of me is wondering if it's related to the dynamic with your mum, but not in the sense of jealousy so much. If you do bend over backwards to have this super close relationship with your mum at any cost (squashing your own needs, boundaries, etc) but don't do that with them, I can see how that might cause resentment or frustration for them to watch. Especially with your own history and the family history. It is a very complicated situation. That is speculation though.

Personally, I think you'd be better off taking care of yourself, and making sure you address any tendencies you might have to sacrifice your own needs to try and meet theirs. That's the healthiest thing you can do in this situation and it will be good for you in the long run.

There's nothing to say the relationship with your sisters won't get easier as you all get older (especially given the youngest one's age and health), but you'll be in a better position if you make sure you have taken proper care of yourself.

Reading Positively's first comment. Similar had crossed my mind.

Some people run away from trauma by literally running and removing themselves to a different environment. Some people use drink or drugs to run from it. Some withdraw from the world. Some withdraw from people. Some withdraw from things they used to enjoy.

And some of us run from our pain by overachieving. People pleasing. Perfection. Perpetual busy-ness.

Whichever one we end up with, at some point we lose the ability to keep running.

What kind of counselling did you have before? You've got 10 years more life experience and self awareness/clarity so it might be the right time to revisit. Especially if you feel more able to face the tough stuff than you did 10 years ago.

I'm not sure doctor's surgery counselling or IAPT would necessarily be particularly helpful. I think you need to see a therapist with experience of trauma, because that is where your issues originate from. They'll be able to understand it better and know how to address it at the root. A specialist organisation like NAPAC or Rape Crisis might be able to signpost you.

The trouble with IAPT and similar is that it's more of a sticking plaster approach that doesn't help you deal with the deeper cause of your problems. E.g. IAPT teaches you to have different thoughts in response to your distress, whereas a trauma therapy will help you not to have the distress in the first place.

I think potentially an issue for me is that for a long time I was told it was my fault and I was responsible and I think when you hear that enough as a teen you tend to accept it as true, eventhough now as an adult I know that’s not right but it’s never been acknowledged by them that this was wrong so yeah I think I probably do overcompensate due to a guilt I feel but shouldn’t.

My elder sister and I are late 20s but younger is late teens, still at home etc

I think my relationship with my mum is very much similar to a friend which sounds strange but she’s not someone I as such rely on but more that she relies on my friendship so is in touch very frequently, I don’t know if this very regular contact is her way of setting things right without actually acknowledging it? She has had a very difficult life which I think can impact how she deals with things too.

I agree it’s much too simplistic to say that my sisters only issue is due to what happened when I was younger, it’s definitley an amalgamation of lots of things and I’m slowly coming to a realisation that it’s more their issue than mine and I’m here if they want to resolve it (I’ve helped them get jobs, provided somewhere to live during DS1 relationship breakdown, lent money and emotional support on the very rare occasion it’s asked for- so I don’t think I’m being difficult)

I do worry that this dynamic could affect my (future) children which is a big reason why I’m looking into therapy / counselling - i’d never want to affect my own children like this - I guess I just wanted to gage an idea of whether I was being unreasonable or overly sensitive so it’s positive to see that others also think my feelings are valid - thank you

Gruffalina72

Thank you for that info on therapy, that’s really helpful and something I’m definitely going to look into xx

you need to close the door on this poison my lovely

Gemini69 Thank you, I think you’re right xx

PositivelyPERF - I really do think you’re absolutely right especially considering my own children, it’s difficult to hear but I appreciate outside honesty and perspective xx

Good luck with it all Wifelife. Wishing you the best xx

Wow, so sorry for what you have been through. If you read about dysfunctional families, it sounds like you've been given the role of the scapegoat. It's so unfair that DS1 has been sucked into that mentality too. I think finding a counsellor who specialises in dysfunctional families would be a great help - much longer term, to help you unpick all these threads and the pain you must be holding onto inside. You are not at all being unreasonable and I think, however sad it may be, you will need to let go of the need to belong or have any deep relationships, and foster those elsewhere.

It's so appalling that something so terrible could be done TO you and you become the perpetrator. But most people cannot fathom something like child abuse especially within the family and therefore blame the victim. Unfortunately it's textbook. Again, a counsellor well trained in child abuse will be familiar with these issues.

I wish you the best of luck, you sound like you really have it together and I am sure you'll come out of this very positively.

Gruffalina72 Thank you very much xx

AdaArdor Thank you for your insight it really is very helpful xx

I think the exact same thing, you are the scapegoat for all their failures and inadequatencies. I walked away from my family in similar circumstances

I suggest you have counselling/therapy to deal with the issues of your childhood, particularly as you are TTC & don't want to bring those issues into your relationship with your future child(ren)

I'd also say you need to take a large step backwards from all your family relationships, your partner, your life together & the children you hope to have are your future and should be your focus. Daily contact with your mother is excessive IMO