Found out about cheating when baby was 4 days overdue

[magicfrog]

Hi all,
I'm hoping for some advice here from people who have been in similar situations and got through it as I don't have anyone I can talk to IRL. Sorry it's a bit long...

I've been with DH for 9 years, married for 4. We have two DC, DC1 age 2.5 and DC2 is now a few weeks old. When I was 4 days overdue with DC2 I found out by seeing social media messages (what a cliche) that DH had cheated on me a couple of months before our wedding 4 years ago.

The full story that I have gathered from the messages and his confession was that it was a kiss on a night out, he then met up with her once more apparently to tell her he was engaged, she was horrified and left. However they have been sporadically messaging flirty messages every 6 months / year or so since then up to last year, e.g. Saying 'oh I could have really fallen for you, it was bad timing' etc etc.

Obviously it was bad timing for me to find out as I went into labour 3 days later with a complex VBAC so was in no position to take time to process this and have some space. He says it meant nothing to him, the subsequent messages were ego boosts when he was drunk, and I do believe this is true but I still feel betrayed, and angry that he didn't tell me and took away my choice whether to marry him and have children with him with this knowledge. I'm also mad he has clouded DC2s arrival and first few weeks on earth with this, and my happy memories of my wedding day.

He has always been a brilliant husband and father, and we have (had) a fantastic life together, and I don't want to leave him, as I do believe that this was one stupid mistake. But it's the messages that hurt most. We've just kind of continued on as normal as I couldn't do anything else under the circumstances. But I don't know how to move forwards without always resenting him and having this at the back of my mind. He says it really meant nothing and I don't know if I'm making it into a big deal because of the post pregnancy hormones, but I can't stop thinking about it and it's keeping me up at night. Any advice on how to move on and rebuild our family would be great, or please tell me if I'm making it into more of a big deal than it is as I think I've lost perspective.

He hasn't always been a brilliant husband has he?! Brilliant husband's don't kiss random women and then message them to express regret that they couldn't fuck. He's a shitbag.

It's up to you how much shit you want to put up with but how can you think he was committed to you and messaging her? He has no integrity

So sorry to read this

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. He’s cheated on you and continued to stay in contact with her for over four years! That’s just beyond shitty behaviour and for him to minimise and dismiss it as meaning nothing is further disrespect to you and your feelings.

The only way to move forward is for him to be 100% honest about everything and to actually acknowledge what he’s done. I doubt he’d be quick to get past it if you’d behaved that way.

You're not overreacting.

It wasn't one mistake though, was it? It's continued for years. And as has been said, a genuinely brilliant husband would not have done any of those things.

I'm not sure I really understand why somebody would arrange to meet up with somebody to tell them "I'm engaged, I can't see you again". That doesn't ring true to me. Especially if it was "just" a kiss.

It sounds like a pattern of behaviour that would have continued if you hadn't stumbled upon it yourself.

There are too many other women on here who are in the process of leaving, after discovering years after the "just a one off" episode of cheating, that it was behaviour that actually continued unabated as they tore themselves apart trying to "fix" things.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

If it really meant nothing he wouldn’t be messaging her for 4 years. It’s an easy thing to say to try and sweep it under the carpet.

Thankyou for your replies and reassuring me that I'm not over-dramatising this. And I know I sound naive and stupid, but I'm not, honestly, I just can't bear to throw our marriage and family away over something so stupid, that I do think he is genuinely sorry about (there I go sounding naive again...). I'm hoping that someone has been there and has some advice on how I can deal with this. He's agreed to counselling (and anything else I need) but I don't think that will magically fix anything.

Not words but actions. Is he bringing you tea in bed? Is he taking on all the tasks you can't do because of new baby? Is he making dinner and rubbing your feet- texting u throughout the day? Is he talking about date nights with you or wine and takeaways? Does he do laundry/ ironing/ shopping? Please do think about a short sharp shock for him. Chuck him out and see how he responds...

So, while him kissing someone on a night out is upsetting, if he’d regretted it and learned his lesson, well, I think most people would get over it.

But that he kept in touch with this woman and was exchanging flirty messages? This is horrible. Also, his story about meeting up with this woman to tell her he was engaged is odd. Why meet her? Why not send her a text? And if she hadn’t been horrified and left, what would have happened?

I don’t think you are overreacting I’m the least. It’s not nothing. Far from it.

I’m so sorry that this has happened and at such an emotional time.

He has taken all your choices away from you op sorry

A drunken kiss hmm ok maybe, but then flirty secret if only texts naw that's
Bollox and let's meet so I can tell you I'm engaged? More bollox

If anything youve given him license to do it more in the future, because there's
No consequences for his actions

He didn't stop after child 1, and completely fucked up the experience of child 2 as well.

Sorry lovely ide dump his arse good and proper, he's played you like a banjo

Be careful about counselling. You should read this current thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3278243-Marriage-counsellor-has-just-made-me-angry-what-should-I-do Counsellors aren't always professional, occasionally they cause more harm than good. You don't want to risk getting one who finds ways to sympathize with your DH while asking you to take partial responsibility for his behaviour. Getting counselling by yourself may be more helpful at this point.

And he's not brilliant is he? If you're already glossing over the fact that he's been carrying on a secret flirtation for years, what else are you choosing not to see? Take some time to observe your marriage impassively, far too many women christen their husbands "brilliant" for doing less than half of what whey themselves do for the family/house.

Hi, sorry to hear you are going through this, the timing is awful. You are certainly not over reacting and have every right to be upset. It doesn't have to be the end however. Myself and husband have survived his full blown affair. It did take a lot of reassurances on his part that there was no on going contact with the third party, this required him changing rotas and phone numbers. I won't lie it took a good year to get back to some resemblance of normal but now 5 years later we are really good.

Meant to say that he needs to be very honest about what he has done and understand why you are hurt. He also needs to cut off all contact with the third party.