A recovering alcoholic & a drinker

[HyggeMe]

Me and my husband are in our mid thirties, we’ve been together since we were teens and have two children of secondary school age.

I realised I had an issue with alcohol a while ago. I attempted to give up over and over again (and failed over and over again.)

Five weeks ago I finally decided enough was enough after a few months of awful depression and a half hearted suicide attempt and I finally gave up, I'm on anti depressants too which don't mix well with alcohol.
It’s not been easy, at all.

My husband was initially supportive, he does a hobby twice a week to keep him fit and made comments such as he would be healthier if he gave up and he wouldn’t drink in the house to show support to me for a bit as he could see I was struggling.

It’s not quite worked out like that.. 4 weeks ago my husband had a long awaited operation and was signed off work for 4 weeks. He can’t drive, work, do his fitness etc but has instead drank his boredom away.

He for the past week at least but most probably the whole or of the 4 weeks has had a drink or 5 every other day.
One day on, one day off.

We are not getting on because I come home from work and he is lying on the sofa half pissed and I find him boring, unable to hold a conversation, often repeating himself and then he gets into bed snoring like a warthog and breathing fumes all over me it’s not exactly a turn on.

Granted he may think I’m boring now and he might miss me having a drink (bottle ) or two with him but I know I’m an alcoholic and I cannot drink in moderation. I drink to get black out drunk and I don’t want to go on struggling with this problem.

I know this could be just his boredom from having this time off work and he goes back to work on Monday but looking back I can see he drank as much and as regularly as me before I gave up and now obviously where I’m not drinking it’s put a spotlight on my husbands drinking.

I just can’t see what we can possibly do together now evenings or weekends if he still wants to get blotto and I’m sipping a tea and wishing for some good company.

I’ve already been in pubs etc with friends and still had a good time on the 0% beer and ciders but I wouldn’t want to do that every night.

I feel like a massive gap has widened between me and my husband and I don’t know where to go from here.

I’ve tried talking to my husband about this and he got really defensive regarding his alcohol consumption and I feel like because I don’t drink right now (one day at a time) he sees it as me being judgmental.

Can a relationship survive one of you not drinking and the other being a heavy drinker?

No. Are you getting support?

I don't think this can survive, to be honest. Just the fact that he is in your face and drinking every day is compromising your recovery, which is still fragile and new. Then there's the conflict - he is in denial, you are not. He does sound seriously dependent on alcohol and unless he does what you have done - stop, deal with the problem - it won't end well.

I am the soon to be ex wife of an alcoholic, btw.

I tried AA but I couldn't get on with it. I may try again.

So far I'm doing it on my own with lots of reading quit lit which is helping massively.

I feel better, I look better, my wine belly is slowly going and I'm not fucking up at work now as I haven't got a hangover every other day.

I know I have to do this for my own sanity, my aunt actually died from alcoholism and my own dad is not far from it too. I just don't know where to go from here regarding my marriage. It's early days for me but it's really opened my eyes.

AA isn't for everyone. Doing it alone is difficult though, so it might be worth looking online for non-AA support options. They do exist. And get yourself over to the Brave Babes threads - so much mutual support on there.

Thank you pointythings will head over there

Congratulations on 5 weeks sober - that is a huge achievement. I am an alcoholic and stopped drinking in March 2016. It can be really lonely and having others around you who really get it makes a huge difference. An alternative to AA is Smart Recovery which has groups all over the UK. Its more science based with elements of CBT.

I used to post on the DRY boards but they are not very active any more. I listened to loads of sober podcasts when I first stopped drinking and still do. Happy to PM you with ideas. I am in Birmingham and in 2017 I started a group for women choosing alcohol free. Again if you (or anyone else) would like to come along, PM me.