When I try to be what he wants he backs off

[fakeplastictree]

So we're having marriage problems. I came back from a weekend away giving him some space that he needed resigned to the fact that I'll be okay on my own and I'll cope. Being lonely alone is so much more manageable than being lonely in a relationship.

Anyway when I came home he was full of 'we have something that is salvageable''we can work on it' 'I love you and want to be with you' 'let's try the counselling'. So we sorted marriage counselling and I tried, I really tried to be what he needs and listen but it seems the more effort I put in and the more I give to the relationship to try to make it 'healthy' and happy the more he recoiles and glazes over and checks out.

Why?? He was the one who said let's try again. Feel like he's messing with my head.

He is messing with your head.
Whether on purpose, or accidentally, it doesn’t matter. This push-me-pull-you bollox is NOT the basis for a long and happy relationship.

Time for a BIG think

What does he want you to be? Relationships do require work at time but if you need to be someone else then that is not substainable.

How about you focus on being what you want to be?

Why are you making changes to who you are for him? Is he changing himself for you?

Talk to him again. Tell him it feels like he's pulling away and has checked out of the marriage. Ask if he is still all in...because you aren't feeling that he is right now.

Well this all happens to coincide with me trying to recover from MH problems (borderline personality disorder) with therapy.

So this does require me to work on myself and my personality as I've had no identity for a long time. So who he wants me to be and what I want for myself are pretty similar (happy for one). I just thought he would put in some effort in a different way to help the relationship. Maybe he just doesn't like me whoever I am? Maybe it's just a power thing, the stronger I am and the less scared I am of being alone the more it seems to piss him off.

I did ask him today. And today he says we aren't compatible. Are we just going to be not compatible whenever I have an issue with him that he disagrees with. But if I tell him things that he's happy to agree with then it's fine, he loves me and we have something worth saving?

Let him go.

You are correct. On all counts.

He is messing with your head.
This is a power thing.
Yes, if you do what he wants you will be acceptable to him, if you don't then you won't be.

These are just common ways to keep control of you. That's all he's interested in.

Your initial assessment that you would be better off striking out on your own, hard as it may be at first, was entirely accurate.

You deserve better than this. If you're interested in building yourself up to have a stronger, happier future, I can recommend the Freedom Programme.

It will help you understand his behaviour and avoid it in the future.

Good luck.

You need to prioritise your mh and you can't do that with a man who likes to play games. It's time to get off the merry go round.

I wonder if your mental health wouldn't be so delicate without the constant mental acrobatics required to try to please him.

I will look into the freedom programme, thank you. It's just so hard, we do both love each other but can't seem to put that into actions and daily life.

How does he show that he loves you?

Or is it just something he says when you're doing what he wants?

He doesn't anymore. He says he can't give anything to me anymore unless I change. Which I am trying, but he says it will take a long time for him to adjust. To be fair to him, he did try to support me and love me the best he could for many years when I was at my worst mentally.