We are both controlling

[Noodlee]

My partner and I have been together 2.5 years. We have an 8 month old. Everything moved very fast, we live together also. We both love each other but we are both controlling and can admit it. We moved to England from Ireland to live with my dad so I could go to college but I fell pregnant. We now live just the two of us and our lo who we both adore. But we both have very different backgrounds with his family being quite distant and mine being very close. We both don't have any close friends where we hang out with them. I'm trying to make some by going to baby clubs but mums are always older than me (20) and he works and talks to people there but they don't hang out outside of work (he recently started the job in the last few months). We are both controlling and we can both see it. We want to stop. I can be manipulative and my dad has said he thinks it's from my mum and he has anxiety and has to plan everything and it can be quite controlling. He likes if I go out with say my family to know what time I'm coming home at. He thinks I'm too close to my family (he doesn't want to prevent me from having a relationship with them but think they get too involved in our life). We made plans to deep clean the house today and then I told him that I would like to get my hair done today by my sister but he was like we made plans and got annoyed. My question is, how do we stop being controlling?

Also couples counselling is so expensive, anyone know how to do it on a low budget?

It sounds like there's a lot going on here...examples help. The last example you gave there where you said you made plans to deep clean the house but then you decided to get your hair done...Is that really him being controlling or is he annoyed that you're going back on a plan? That would bother even a friend, I think...

Based on what you've written so far, it sounds like you're both a bit freaked out by the stage of life you're at. I'm sure it would help to branch out more, which I know can be easier said than done...

You know the way you say he wants to know what time you'll be home at? If you said, 'I'm not sure. I'll play it by ear,' how would he react?

I would not go into any form of joint counselling with him. Joint counselling is a non starter here because of his controlling nature and controlling behaviour is at heart abusive. NO decent counsellor would ever want either to see the two of you in the same room together.

You grew up seeing manipulation in the family home, your dad's behaviour now smacks of control. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Why do you think you are controlling and or manipulative?. Is it because he tells you that is what you are?. It is HE to my mind who is this, he may well be projecting his own stuff onto you.

I'm cleaning and sorting out this house everyday so when I got the chance to go out and do something for me I jumped at it. (He does do stuff around the house too)

I know I can be manipulative and as weird as it sounds I don't mean to be but I can see how. My dad told me that I'm like my mum in that way (they aren't together anymore) and I can see that because she used to use the guilt trip on us a lot growing up

I think you mentioned you're 20. I don't know if you've ever been to a therapist? I'm twice your age and I went to a therapist for the first time when I was around 30. My biggest regret is not going much sooner and I regret not sticking with the therapy at the time... It might be worth a shot and based on my own mistakes, I'd suggest sticking with the therapy especially when it brings up the 'tough stuff.' The very best of luck to you.

i can be manipulative and my dad has said he thinks it's from my mum

I'd take what your dad says about your mum with a pinch of salt if I were you. Are you in contact with your mum?

I'm not sure what you describe is actually controlling. It sounds like you both want your own way, which is not necessarily controlling at all. You're both (very) young, you've ended up in a situation you didn't plan for that has happened very quickly re suddenly you're both in another country, living as a couple, with a baby! BIG life changes!