How to save my marriage

[Howmanysleepstilchristmas]

Dh has said he’s leaving multiple times over the past 2 months, but so far has come back. It’s happening more often. He says he loves me but can’t live like this. Arguments tend to start either when I’m upset (he’ll ask why then get angry saying I don’t have anything to be upset about, I try to hide it but struggle) or when kids are arguing etc. He works long hours and says he feels like he never gets a day off. I feel like if I could help him relax it’d help but I don’t know how to. The state of the house gets him down too, and I think he feels I don’t do enough. I’m off work with depression atm, so in theory have time but tend to end up running around trying to help with his business when dc are in school and looking after dc afterwards. No doubt I should do more, but struggle to know what to prioritise to make things better. I don’t want him to leave but things are getting worse. He doesn’t want to talk about it and tells me to stop being a martyr if I ask what I need to do differently, so I can’t ask him. Any suggestions?

Oh how awful, sounds horrible,

It's very easy sometimes to get stuck in a negative vicious cycle.

Maybe try to do something completely different, a little present that says I thought of you, a surprise special dinner, a bit of romance.

Try and stay calm above all. (Easier said than done)

There is a book called 40 day fireproof challenge, it has underlying religious connotations but can be used without reading in to that part if preferable.

It suggests one small change a day for 40 days, a friend of mine saved her marriage this way.

Anyway good luck and all the best!

Can you hire a cleaner to come once a week to help with the house? Babysitter to watch the kids and get some dinner out/ show/ night away with DH... Take some time to reconnect without the distractions of daily life getting in the way. Make it a monthly thing perhaps.

That sounds really difficult. Is your depression being treated? I would suggest your first priority is making some time for getting outside and exercise (a walk, jog, swim, sports) every day as this can help to lift your mood and give you focus and energy. See and build relationships with friends if you can.

Seems like your husband wants you to help more around the house? It's really impossible to tell from just your post whether this expectation is reasonable, but if I assume that it is... At the very least it seems he feels like he has nothing extra to give due to his "working every day" comment. What was the arrangement for keeping the house tidy when you both worked? Is he under strain because he needs to work harder due to your finances changing? Could you afford to cut down on his hours? Or reduce his business?

Does he really need help with his business? Could you stop doing that so you have more time for the house?

If you struggle to prioritise try setting small goals (eg I will wash and hang up one load of laundry). Start with just a couple of these per day and then gradually build up. A routine is what you need, but you won't get there overnight.

I'm the evenings could your children help you with small chores to make it a bit easier? Like emptying and loading the dishwasher together, laying the table for dinner, putting out drinks etc.

If the house is currently a tip then to get past that you maybe need to set aside some time from the daily maintenance to sort out the mess. I always find it easier to do one room at a time. Throwing or giving away as much as possible is usually the key! This will be really hard work though. You will struggle with energy and motivation due to your depression and that isn't your fault. Either your husband could help you with clearing out; or if that doesn't feel possible (because you're not communicating with each other) then could you enlist a friend to help? Your mum or dad? Even the kids?

Also, it seems like your husband doesn't really understand your depression (getting angry when you are upset). It's possible as he feels under so much stress himself he isn't able to empathise at the moment, or he's ignorant, or it's possible he's just an arsehole. Do you have someone else to confide in support you whilst things are so strained with your husband? Does he?

If nothing else could you organise childcare so that you and your husband can go on some nice dates together? If talking is difficult, cinema? Maybe just getting out and doing something nice together will ease the tension.

This is really difficult, I'm struggling myself with what to suggest. Ideally, when you are depressed, your partner will really "step up" to support you and care for you. Depression is a serious illness that is going to impact what / how much you can do. But I get the feeling that your husband is also struggling and overwhelmed, and he needs/wants you to support him. It's not your fault. By getting on with the kids you are already doing really well. But that your husband can't give you the support and understanding you need might not be (all) his fault either. Hmm. I hope any of this helps and really wish you the best.

I would hire a group of cleaners to come in for a day or 2 and get as much done as possulible. Theb you start a fresh. If you know the house is sorted you might start feeling better in yourself as well.

This is difficult. Living with someone mentally unwell is always complex, and when you factor in kids and long hours, the stress of it can be hard to handle, you find yourself in a never ending cycle with no vision of how to get out of it. Stress and unhappiness becomes the new reality. Focus is always on the ill person, not the person dealing with the reality of it.

Of course ideally he would be very understanding of uour illness, but he's human too and things get on top of all of us, sometimes it just becomes too much.

I think I'd try to spend some regular alone time. To actually talk, to see what you can both do to improve the situation. It seems you want to be together, Just right now circumstances are conspiring against you.

Some interesting comments... the focus can often be on the ill person, but not in this case. I try to hide how bad I feel, I once told him how I felt but he took it personally as if it was his fault I wasn’t happy. I’m not unhappy, I’m ill and no one is to blame, but he doesn’t differentiate so I try to minimise and don’t talk about it.
I should do more round the house I suppose. I do 100% of what is done at the moment, but it’s not enough to keep on top of 4dc and I realise that. He gets in from work as I put the dc to bed, and works hard so it’s fair enough I guess that I do everything (this thread has helped me realise that). I don’t want to ask him for money for a cleaner and have no income of my own now my sick pay has ended so I guess I have to try to find a way to fit more in.
I’d like to spend time together, but will need to find a way to do this without spending money, as I don’t want to ask him to pay!
Thanks for the suggestions and perspective.

Delegate what you can to the DC. Give each of them little tasks to do, even if they're small ones like making sure the loo roll is changed and the inner goes in the recycling.

I'm a great believer in 20 minute tidy ups and see how much I can do in 1 room in 20 minutes. So I set the timer on the cooker (it's loud and you can hear it in any room) and go and blitz. The results are always noticeable.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

So he says he's leaving, and then comes back? How long does he go for? What does he say when he comes back?

Your arguments - do they all revolve around things making him angry? (You being upset, the kids arguing). Do they happen over other things? Or are the arguments just him being angry?

What hours does he work? Monday to Friday? Shifts? How does he spend his days off? You mentioned you do 100% of the housework, so I'm just trying to work out if he works 12 hour days, 7 days a week, or if he does something else with his time outside of work that leads him to say he's always working.

I'm sorry to hear you're off work with depression right now, that's tough. From how you describe your days, you spend them helping in your husband's business, and then looking after the children. That sounds like it must have been a really heavy workload when you were going to work as well. I'm not sure how you'd manage to fit all that in and still have time to sleep. Or was it different when you were at work?

He tells you not to be a martyr when you ask him what it is he'd like you to do differently, yet he's the one who started by telling you you weren't doing enough. That's confused me, and I'm only reading your post, not living it. Have I understood correctly?

You're not being a martyr for responding to him telling you to do more by asking what he'd like to be done differently. That's a very reasonable course of action on your part. I'd have been quite upset to be called a martyr in your shoes.

It's really sad that you're so ill with depression you're currently unable to work - so you are as a matter of fact seriously unwell - yet you feel you have to hide it from him, because whenever you try to talk to him he turns it around and blames you, and makes out you are in the wrong. It's also sad that instead of receiving any support, you're running around after him. That can't be helping you get better.

Do you have anyone supporting you who you can talk to? Any friends or family who can support you a bit or be a listening ear? Depression is a hard, lonely place to be. I hate the thought that the one person you should be able to turn to for support is shutting you down and making you hide it. Of course you should be able to tell him how you feel, that's perfectly reasonable.

Samaritans have a freephone number now (116123 or email [email protected]). You don't need to be feeling suicidal to call them, you can just call them if you need space to talk about how you're feeling without being judged or blamed or having to hide it. There are some lovely, kind people there who will listen to you without criticism.

You've said more than once that you're not keeping on top of things. I think we all have different understandings of that. Could you tell us more?

For example, my doctor always asks me if I'm coping with housework. And I always get a bit embarrassed because I feel like my house is a tip and I'm not on top of it. Except I have regular visits from a support worker, and she always points out how clean and tidy my house is. Not even to be polite (and it is part of her job to make sure I am managing to cope with things like that, so she wouldn't lie to make me feel better). When I talked to them about it, I realised it's just that I'm too hard on myself and unrealistic, and actually I do a good and normal job of housekeeping.

So, what are the things you feel you need to do that aren't being done? Is it that you're only vacuuming once a week or fortnight but think it should be done daily? Is it emptying the bins when they're full rather than daily? What kind of things is it that concern you?

When you say your sick pay has ended, do you mean full salary, or do you mean you've been off sick so long you don't qualify for SSP anymore? I'm just asking to help me understand. It sounds like you're actually really poorly and struggling.

None of what's going on at the moment sounds conducive to you getting well enough to go back to work. Sick leave is meant to be about rest and recovery, not being run ragged and blamed for being ill. Losing your own income has made you much more vulnerable, and must have been quite a blow. I know when I was off work with depression it really knocked my confidence. How are you feeling about it?

What does your husband do to help you relax? What does he do to support you? What does he do to make you feel loved?

Your relationship sounds like quite a lonely place for you. Or am I off base?

Doing all of the housework and childcare for 4 kids is a lot of work! It definitely isn't fair for you to be expected to do all of this and to have no money or time for anything else. Whilst you are seriously ill too.

Does your husband have any time off or does he really work long hours every single day? Can he review his hours or change jobs? Or, if he is spending weekends and evenings enjoying his free time then it sounds like he needs to step up on the chores so you have some kind of break.

Is money tight, or is he hoarding money whilst you and the kids live as paupers? I think you need to agree upon a financial arrangement - you shouldn't be begging him for money like he's a parent and you're a child.

If he has to work all hours just to prevent from getting into debt, then that is a very difficult situation - could you get financial advice, consider moving somewhere cheaper?