So ashamed I've been the OW without knowing

[CaveDivingbelle]

So I've been duped. In a relationship and thought it was going well.He said He'd split from his wife, getting finances sorted etc. Been to his house, out with his mates. I'd no reason to suspect anything was untoward. I've now found out that they are very much together..and the house I went to isn't even his family house but another property he owns. I've now seen his wife's fb page through a friend who's recognised him and it's full of loved up events, pictures, holidays etc. His mates are in on the deceit as well as they obviously know . I'm so ashamed. I've had a rough time, just coming back from a serious illness and thought my luck had turned and now I hate myself. I cant stop crying. I feel so sorry for his wife in all this. Ive blocked all contact obviously. Ive thought maybe i should let her know but is that the right thing to do. Whats the point in 2 people being heartbroken. I know im better off without the cheating scumbag but ill miss who i thought he was. Im gutted.

How awful for you OP. You've done the right thing cutting contact. You've had a lucky escape here. I can't believe the extent of his deceit. I hope his poor wife finds out from one of his 'friends' and he gets what he deserves.

It's not your fault, go easy on yourself. Personally I would want to confront him with his deceit and as his wife I'd want to know, but you won't be thanked for it.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He, on the other hand....

It is not your fault OP and I will probably get bashed for this but if he is this deceitful and has his friends in on it, he more than likely has form for it.

If you have proof etc of the affair it would probably be best to let his wife know and apologise to her even though it was not your intention to do it.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

It's not your fault but I would tell the wife. How awful that his friends are also in on it :(

If you didn't know, the shame is all his. I think everyone has a right to know what's happening in their lives so I would tell the wife, who is potentially being betrayed by her husband and people she considers friends. But perhaps wait until you're a bit calmer and can lay things out factually for her. Sorry you're hurting.

I know exactly how you feel but I was lucky that I found out very early. Had about 6 dates with a man and I could feel myself falling for him as we had so much in common and he was everything I look for in a partner. One day I got a phonecall from a hysterical woman screaming at me to leave her husband alone.
I was in total shock and completely lost for words, she was understandably very upset and would not give me the opportunity to give my side of the story before she hung up. She just ranted about her 2 young children and how I had ruined their lives.
I was completely unaware that he was married or in any sort of relationship but that didn't stop me from feeling guilty about his family and the damage our brief relationship had done.
He called me later that day but I was too hurt and upset to talk to him. I felt humiliated as I really saw the relationship going somewhere even though we had only had a handful of dates.
Of course you are upset. You were deceived by someone you cared for and trusted. None of it is your fault. The only thing you're guilty of is falling for a wrong'un. You weren't the first and you certainly wont be the last. Please don't let this horrible experience affect future relationships. They're not all swines.
Take care of yourself

You've nothing to be ashamed of, he went to great lengths to keep you in the dark, not to mention his scummy friends. I'd be surprised if this is a first, either in his group or for himself.

You'd be well within your rights to inform his wife and although she might not thank you, I'd say the majority of people (in my experience) would rather know about something like this.

Put yourself first though, OP, you sound really sensitive and thoughtful. If there's a chance you feel he could turn nasty or the stress from any fallout could affect your health condition, bear those things in mind foremost.

Please be kind to yourself, do you have a friend IRL to vent to?

Don't feel bad OP. There were no clues. Not going to his house and being sidelined from his social circle are red flags, but you visited his "home" and met his mates. How could you possibly have guessed? You're not psychic.