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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wanting some advice/opinions on this family situation.

9 replies

Butterflykissess · 16/06/2018 10:06

Just wanted some advice/opinons on something that happened in my family which caused a major rift.

December 2016 (the day before christmas eve) I had a knock on my door. I am a single mum to 3 kids and pregnant with the 4th at the time. It was a social worker who told me a referal had been made about me. I was obviously in shock at the unannounced visit and she demanded to come in to see my children. she asked me a few questions, seen my children were fine, then told me she was a duty social worker and that it would be passed onto a main social worker who would come to make an assessment. about 3 weeks later in January the main social worker came round and explained the referal. apparently someone had reported me and made up alot of lies. a completely malicious referral. i was really devastated as i couldnt understand who would do that to me. I have no enemies and hadnt fallen out with anyone and ofcourse the referral was anonymous!

Anyway everyone in my family suggested it was my ex partner and father of my kids as he was currently absent from their lives and seemed like the only person who could have possibly done it. the social worker said she would make her enquiries and get back to me. during this time i spoke with the family rights group for advice, they suggested i asked for a copy of the referral so i could know exactly what was said about me. i did this and to my complete surprised when the referal came back it stated that a woman had called reporting concerns for her husbands sisters children i have 3 brothers, one is 18 (was 16 at the time) one is gay which leaves the last one who has a long term partner and a child. obviously i immediately thought it was her and spoke with me mum and brother about it. they both said it couldnt possibly be here and that it must be my sister "framing" her. i should at this point say that my brothers partner and my sister were very close but had a falling out a year before that. so that was there reason for believing she had "framed" her. they convinced me it was my sister and as i wasnt thinking straight at the time i agreed with them and stopped speaking to my sister. I would speak about what had happened with my mum as it really upset me and she would keep telling me to forget it and to get over it. my brother had also said the same. i started to find it odd that none of them wanted me to talk about it. it was still very fresh. i also found it strange that my brothers partner hadnt been told what had happened. what the report had stated. there was also alot in the report the the SW hadnt mentioned to me, im guessing she didnt think the other imformation given was relevant.

About a month later my sister calls me and explains that it was not her and that she wants to get to the bottom of it, as she was the only one who actually wanted to talk about it whilst the others wanted me to never mention it again i decided to hear her out. she was very desperate to prove it wasnt her, gave me her phone bills, said she would pay for everyone to take a lie detector (not on tv just that she would pay for one.) but my brother and his partner and my mum refused. at this point and im not proud of this but me and my sister tried to access my brothers partners phone bill online. it didnt work and she got a notification to say it had happened. anyway a few days later my mum and brother showed up at my door threanening to call the police on me over it and said "who will have your kids when we call them."

As you can imagine i havent spoken to then since this and this has caused a huge devide in my family with my mum and brother on one side and my sister on the other. i cut my mum and brother off completely and havent spoken to them in over a year. recently i spoke to my dad on the phobe and he was going on about "bringing the family back together" and that my kids are "missing out" and how i should apologised(?!) for the falling out. i dont have anything to apologised for, as i tried to get to the bottom of who reported me as anyone would do. Do you think i was right to go NC in this situation? The case was closed as it was proven to be malicious but it took a very long time.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 16/06/2018 10:11

So it was obviously your sister in law. Your children aren't "missing out" if your Mother is so devoted to your brother and his lying wife that she's willing to not speak to her own daughter because of that woman's actions!

Thank goodness your sister saw the truth.

I think you were right to go no contact. It's hard and upsetting but rest assured that they're not decent enough people to be around your children. x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2018 10:15

You were and remain correct to have no contact with them, they are not emotionally healthy people to be at all around.

Your dad is acting as the flying monkey here in all this; he does not want to hear your side of things either so his opinion should be ignored. He is both weak and a bystander.

Butterflykissess · 16/06/2018 10:29

my dad will basically do anything my mum says. my brother is the oldest and "golden boy" so again my mum takes his side. my dad said from the begining it wasnt my sister and always maintained that. so im not sure where his recent comments have came from. the report clearly states husbands sisters children and i could go into more detail, as for example the social worker made an unnannounced visit, as she had been trying for weeks to get hold of me as she wasnt given my address and when they finally did get it she wanted to see the children before christmas and all the holidays. (due to the nature of the referral.) my sister lives around 10 minutes from me so why wouldnt she give my address. meanwhile brothers partners has never been to my house.

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 16/06/2018 10:32

If I were you I would just concentrate on raising your family to the best of your ability and not expend any more energy on detective work.
It could have been anyone: teacher, headteacher, HCP.

Butterflykissess · 16/06/2018 10:38

been anyone: teacher, headteacher, HCP.

without going into detail it couldnt possibly be as there is very personal information in the referral that only family know. and besides the report stated who did it. surely most people would want to know what family member reported them??

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 16/06/2018 11:05

Of course people want to know, but realistically it is supposed to be anonymous so I've very surprised that identifying detail was allowed in the report they showed you. In real cases of abuse witnesses would be very put off making a referral if their name was to be made know to a possibly dangerous abuser. And that reluctance would leave children in real cases in danger.

Just because the reporter said they were your sister in law, doesn't actually mean they were! And why say husband's if you say brother's long term partner which suggests they're not married. As far as I know SS don't do extensive id checks on the people who refer. And surely your brother's gf knew your address even if she's never been there?

It is entirely possible it wasn't her, but some woman pretending to be a relative to put more weight to a report.

You've been jumping to conclusions with very little evidence. First brother's partner, then sister (why would your sister do that, seems an extreme thing to do to frame an exfriend? And odd your mum would jump to blame your sister) then back to brother's partner. All without speaking to them first and giving them a chance to defend themselves . For all you know your ex got his new gf to do it.

Butterflykissess · 16/06/2018 11:15

again theres things my ex doesnt know in the referral. i guess its easy to say it could be anyone without knowing what was said in the referral. i dont have any friends. only had family. i do agree its weird to say husband but apparently she refers to him as this (im not close to her so dont know.) anyway she doesnt have my address at all. no. shes never once been to my house and ive never told her it neither would my brother without reason. i had no way to contact her personally. i dont have her number im not friends with her. so couldnt have spoken to her directly. i asked my mum and brother who refused to ask her. i asked my sister who ofcourse said it wasnt her. i did speak to them youve obviously missed that. everyone denied it. i have a copy of the report and that it what it says in it. theyve all seen it.!

OP posts:
Butterflykissess · 16/06/2018 11:25

i want to make it very clear once again just before anyone else posts that it is absolutely someone in the family. due to what was in the report. ex is absent so doesnt know certain things. it only appeared to be him BEFORE i got a copy of the referral. the social worker only mentioned 4 things from the referral. however after receiving a copy of the referral it had alot more detail in it. and these are things that only my family know. i have no contact details for my brothers partner so how could i have spoken to her? i spoke to my mum and brother who said they arent going to tell her as they dont want to upset her basically (about being accused.)

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 16/06/2018 13:02

That must have been so distressing for you, and I think you were right to go NC, as they have been really unpleasant about this. It's great that you and your DSis are supporting each other. It sounds like your mum was trying to turn the two of you against each other, which is really sad.

I recommend the Stately Homes thread, it's a safe place where posters with toxic families can offer each other non-judgemental support. Thanks

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