Proposal...

[ahFFS]

Namechanged because, well tbh this is ridiculous.

DP and I seem to have hit an impasse, and although we normally communicate well, rarely disagree and generally have a lovely time together, we don't seem to be able to discuss this like the rational adults we normally are.

we've been together 5 years, and have always been on the same page re getting married at some point. We've discussed it several times and agreed that yes, we both want this. In the meantime we've done wills etc and generally been quite sensible about things. No kids involved so no huge complications.

2 weeks ago we went away for a weekend and he picked a nice romantic location to propose. great. except he's now in a huff because I 'wasn't excited enough' and haven't told anyone yet. There have been a couple of major issues (relatives in hospital type thing) in the meantime which has also got in the way of any kind of announcement.

I'm happy, but not jumping for joy as nothing has actually changed. He didn't buy a ring, and when I said 'great, when shall we get married?' he replied something about not wanting to rush things. It was a joke, but fell flat.

I have tried explaining that I haven't told anyone because the 2 things that I'll get asked are 'let's see the ring' and 'when are you getting married' and it's actually just a bit embarrassing to not have an answer for either. I'm not actually that fussed about a ring, but my family and friends are, and tbh I really don't want to have to keep making excuses as to why he didn't buy one.

So now he thinks I'm embarrassed about being engaged to him, and it's all just getting ridiculous, because we've both lost the ability to discuss this like normal fucking adults as it's become so emotionally charged.

How do I sort this out? And also, as someone not really on social media etc, how am I actually supposed to 'announce' this? I hate being centre of attention and don't exactly have a nice ring picture to post anyway.....

Depending on the health situations you mentioned could you arrange to go out for a meal with either both families together (or separately if it's better) and make the announcement there? That way he feels that you've put a bit of though in to it too.

In regards to the ring can you tell them the truth about why you don't have one? You can also just say you're both deciding what type of wedding/venue/location/style you would like and then you'll be looking to book the date

What does he say about the ring? Can you just say, let's go looking for the ring today?

Why don’t you go ring shopping together? Then announce it.

Arrange with him a date to go out and choose a ring together. Then he'll see you're proud and happy to wear his ring. My niece announced it with just a photo of the ring on her finger posted up on Facebook

I've just taken my engagement ring off. I've had it 3 years. He's not shown any interest at discussing an actual wedding and I felt embarrassed when asked. Nobody's noticed yet... I'll be honest when they do.

Op i'd not tell anyone till you're sorted either.

I don't think you need to have a date just yet. When my husband proposed to me we didn't have a date planned and enjoyed being engaged for a year and then decided to make a date for the next year (so two years engaged all together). And my friend did similar actually.

I would do the same as others have suggested; go ring shopping and then have a meal and announce, you can show off your ring and say you haven't found a date yet?

Ummmm that's a tough one! His pride is obviously feeling a bit wounded, but your arguments are all sound. I suspect he doesn't get that when a woman tells people she's engaged, everyone asks detailed questions ie the ring, the date, all the details! Maybe he can't believe this because when he tells his guy friends they say "aw well done mate! Say goodbye to the rest of your life!" Or "cool! Did you watch the footy last night?"

You must have had similar conversations in the past? How does he respond well in difficult circumstances? Without knowing him, it's hard to advise, but if it were me, I'd do something like wait until a nice evening dinner at home, over wine (but early on!) and open up the conversation in a way that truly shows him how happy you are and just be totally honest. "I'm so happy were engaged. I understand you feel like I'm hiding things, but I need you to know I'm not embarrassed by you. I love you do much and loved the proposal. I need you to know the only reason I haven't told anyone is because everyone will ask loads of details and i won't be able to answer and then, perhaps wrongly, I will feel embarrassed because other people will get all awkward that we don't have a date and I don't have a ring."

The only other thing I'll say is, you sound ever so slightly peeved off that he made a joke rather than answer your date question seriously. And you also sound like maybe you would like a ring... Not just for your family, for you. Both of those things would be totally reasonable. It may be worth exploring them a bit more deeply, because if true, then he needs to know in a non-blaming way that you were a little hurt/disappointed, and would like to set a date and got and get the ring together (or whatever it is you truly want).

Hope this helps a little, and congratulations!!

We were in town yesterday and I said we could take a look at rings and he got all defensive and said no basically. I didn't really want to get into it in tge middle of a shopping center, so it was left hanging, but I'm loath to bring it up again today.

We have been meaning to get our families together for a while, so arranging something for when they're all better is a good plan. Will suggest it once he's had his coffee this morning.

Did he give you a reason for not wanting to look at rings? Good luck today hope you get some answers.

Is he worried he might not be able to afford the ring you want? He needs to give an honest answer about why he’s being so off about the ring situation. He can’t expect to propose to you and then get arsey anytime the prospect of getting a ring is mentioned. If you do tell friends You could always just say you are both still deciding on ring designs

I think you need to bring it up again. Totally fine that he propose without one, much better to choose together, but odd he now doesn’t want to do that bit if you want one. You don’t need to know when you’re getting married when you announce though, that can take some thought. But if he has no thoughts on that I’d worry he’s proposes because ‘that’s what you do’ and hasn’t really considered the getting married part.

He won't buy you a ring or talk about dates; I still don't think you're engaged. He asked because it was easy to but isn't interested in the actual reality of it: ring and setting a date etc.
If he's this non committal after 5 years then I wouldn't expect him to actually marry you tbh

Honestly, I think he’s asked to stall you. I don’t think he wants to get married, because otherwise he would be actually keen on getting married.

You've been together five years and there is still no proposal from him. You are not engaged to be married.

What's all this from him about supposedly rushing things and why did he accuse you of not being excited enough?. Was this he merely deflection of his own feelings onto you?. Is he really stringing you along here; is the carrot and stick approach being employed by him onto you here?.

I was also thinking along the lines as Shoxfordian; I did wonder whether he actually wants to marry you at all.

I mean really, off what a PP said. If he doesn't want to fork out for a ring fine, if it's not that important to you don't waste your money. But would expect to at least discuss a date and want that before announcing.

Don't let your family's expectations cloud what's important for you and him. He's out of line for now stalling talks on it though.

Well why did he say no to a ring?

TBH

I wouldn't be overly excited with this situation either. Why do you think he didn't produce a ring? What did he say at the proposal regarding this?

I'm wondering if he's got further delay tactics up his sleeve here?

100% agree with attila and shoxfordian.

He's trying to cause rows with you. If he's accused you of not being excited enough at being engaged, why isn't HE more excited about choosing a ring? And what the hell is that about not rushing things? After bloody 5 YEARS?

He's making you feel unsure and insecure. You're already walking on eggshells around him.

This unacceptable.

Thanks for all the replies. I won't say that it hasn't crossed my mind that he's stalling, but I don't think it's in his nature to string me along particularly as he knows its not a dealbreaker for me, but more a 'would like to have'. We're unlikely to have kids, and I earn well, so I don't 'need' marriage to protect me as such.

We've looked at a few rings previously, and he was up for it before, so I think it was more an emotional reaction yesterday as part of him being hurt, than a genuine no.

The main reason for no ring was that we were in the middle of nowhere and he was 'being spontaneous' and trying to do something to cheer me up as I was a bit stressed by some of the family stuff going on. Yesterday was the first chance we would have had to buy the ring due to all the other stuff going on.

Ive spoken to him this morning and plan is now to get our parents together in a few weeks when they're up to it and leave making announcements etc til then. Not sure about the ring issue right now, but we're both a little less wound up about it, so hopefully will get sorted soon enough.

Good that you were able to talk about it

You got engaged two years ago; and you don't have a ring or a wedding date, and haven't told anyone?

That does seem odd. You had so much stuff going on for two years that you couldn't look at rings or dates or tell anyone at all? If that's true, he proposed at a crap time. If it's not, it suggests there's something else at work here...

Getting the "magic" back will take some work. You'll need to both fake excitement until it's real. Maybe book meals with each family to tell them; and arrange drinks with friends? Then discuss whether to use today to go ring shopping or do that later - and if you really can't discuss that; and move this forward, I think I'd be wondering if you should be engaged at all.

Cross posts! Glad you managed to talk congratulations on the engagement.

It was two weeks, not two years

Yeah it's good that you talked about it but keep an eye on any more stalling about setting a date etc.

There is no difference between before proposal and after. You were already 'engaged' before he 'proposed' as you had already discussed marriage and agreed it's what you both wanted. The proposal should have signified making actual plans to marry, otherwise what's the point?
If he won't discuss arrangements to get married then you're not engaged really, you're two people who are together and who may get married in future, exactly as you were 2 weeks ago. He needs to get over himself. He 'proposed' to cheer you up and get boyfriend brownie points not because he actually wants to plan to marry you. He's just whining because you aren't treating this like some amazing gesture but like the meh gesture it is!