Help me make sense of this please - so confused!

[wellthismakesnosense]

Can anyone help me make sense of this? Sorry it’s long, don’t want to dripfeed.

My fairly short relationship has just ended - not my choice - and I cannot make sense of it.

Unfortunately I’m pretty well versed in breakups and bad relationships so I tend to see through things and can cut through bullshit. I’ve been horribly treated before and I’m really not naive at all anymore as I’ve made sense of my experiences and am now quite balanced and strong emotionally. But this has me confused.

We were great, him totally loved up, probably more than me. We were really happy, got on really well, just clicked. There was absolutely NO CHANGE in him whatsoever in the lead up, and he was crying hours before he suddenly ended it as he was scared we might be breaking up. (Note - he’s someone who wears his heart very clearly on his sleeve so this isn’t as unusual as it might sound)

The context of that - we were having a pretty difficult conversation about some upsetting experiences/ stuff for him and talking about getting him some counselling or something. I put forward the suggestion that his happiness in our relationship was acting as a bit of a band aid to some of the stuff he has going on, so when getting that support it might put some pressure on us that we need to be ready for. We were solid so we would have coped with it.

Within hours he ended it. I don’t feel his reasons were clear, just that he needed to sort himself out and work things out. He went cold, distant and totally detached from me immediately and all we have had are some text conversations in which he talks about how awful he feels for the way he has treated me, but when I have tried to put it out there that everything he has said to me was a lie, and his actions all a pretence, he hasn’t really confirmed or denied either way. As I say, I’m not naive, but I’m finding it impossible to reconcile in my mind that none of it was real. It was too genuine. Not by his words but his actions every single day showed me how he felt. I’m not sure what he would have gained from faking it really.

But the only logical answer is that it wasn’t real, and for some reason he chose that moment to stop the pretence and end it. Which I just can’t make sense of at the moment.

The alternative is, that at that time when emotions were running high, for some reason and somehow he literally shut down from me. Just switched his feelings off and that was it.

So my question really is, can someone switch off feelings just like that? Can someone just shut down? HOW do they do that?? Is that even possible?? I am pretty good at making sense of things and moving on, but this is just weird and I can’t stop thinking about it. We are totally NC now and will likely never cross paths again. It’s all really sad.

Sorry OP

From what I've read on here, future faking and immediate loved-upness are both red flags in relationships. People who do this aren't emotionally 'safe' and I think you've discovered this.

Thank you for your reply. You’re so right and this is the frustration as I know this myself and have seen it before! In the past I have fallen for it until I became more aware and identified it as a red flag. I can’t work out why I felt/feel this was different. I’ve known him a long time so I wasn’t expecting this treatment and I would never have imagined it.

Not being ‘emotionally safe’ makes so much sense, yet it felt the total opposite. I felt safer than I’ve ever felt. I still don’t know what it all means in terms of being able to switch off, but some parts are starting to make sense, that was helpful thank you.

Yes someone can switch off that easily. They can just shut down. The point is, you are thinking and behaving like a healthy minded person whereas The other person is not like you.
The point is, prior to this sudden change in him, you were having a very difficult conversation about him needing help by professionals and the conversation was all about some pretty upsetting things that he went through and your relationship would be affected unless he gets that help.
To me it looks like these issues were much bigger in his head than you could see. He was not at peace with these issues and with himself. And it's a much bigger deal than being able to logically discussing about them. Logically discussing about the issues requires some degree of detachment about them. He wasn't detached from them at all, they were playing in his head 24/7 , a massive battle fir him and he was not anywhere near coming to terms with issues or resolving them. In his head, his relationship with you might have been an attempt to feeling like a normal person without massive issues and feeling good... and therefore a step towards normality. The discussion you had, brought his unease he had hidden, up to the surface. His wounds are open now and he cant cope with it. He's back to square one.
To me it looks as he was a lot, lot more needy than you thought. So your relationship was not a relationship of equals. You were his emotional crutch.
By this I don't mean he was calculating, but he was too much into his demons and therefore can't act/ react logically. At his vulnerable state he has yo put himself first, otherwise he can't cope. So he's hiding away-running away now, trying to get some control in his head, trying to suppress his demons that are surfaced.
Men can switch off from relationships a lot easier than women. I have seen (unbelievable-in my own female standards) examples of it including in my own family.
Very upsetting as it is, I think it's best if you don't contact him and also him not contacting you is a good thing for your own well-being I think, as he's not in a reasonable state and you won't be able to get a sound reasoning from him and it was not going to be the relationship of equals. And his "recovery would take a long time therefore you would constantly find yourself playing a nurturing-accepting-unquestioning figure while he slowly finds comfort in it. Like a mother and child relationship. As long as you don't question the status quo, it works. And he loves you. The moment you mention him using the relationship as emotional band aid, it's all too much for him.

Oh my goodness, dunnowhy, I feel like lightbulbs are exploding in my head reading that. That all makes so much sense to me. So insightful and I think you’re so right. (Id even wonder if you were him in a sound state of mind writing that!) Spot on.

I feel like I’m going to hear any moment now that he’s already with someone else - that’s bothering me so much as it’s not been long at all - but my gut is telling me it’s already happening and it’s really painful to think of that as it then also invalidates everything I thought about his feelings for me. I’m struggling to accept that none of it was genuine.

I won’t contact him again - theres no point. I’m pretty balanced and emotionally healthy I think so I’m able to take that step back. I’m fearful though that at some point he might contact me and I need to be able to ignore him because it will be the same again, as you say. Maybe though you’re right and he has totally shut down enough for it to never come back.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that, it’s actually helped so much.

Wow, that’s unbelievable!
OP, I could have written your post. I’m going through exactly the same thing. Totally fine and loved each other dearly, the relationship actively going foreward, we were great together.
He has some issues that I won’t label, because I’m not equipped to fully understand. Like you, I recognised them and put forward the suggestion he gets some help. In the meantime, I would still love him, accept his ‘recovery’ will take a lot of effort and understanding and patience. I reassured him nobody’s perfect and that I love him very much.
And then he leaves. Bang.

It felt like a weight off my shoulders, in a slightly selfish way, like you, I’ve been through the mill a bit, I’m older and I know what I want, I have firm boundaries and I’m pretty emotionally balanced.
So I could not make sense of his reaction, AT ALL!

I spent a lot of time tossing and turning in bed at night. My gut feeling has been that I got ‘too close’ to some unpalatable truths about him, that I have extended my hand for reassurance but he chose to end it rather than facing his demons. I could not understand why, although he saw how his actions affected negatively our relationship, he chose to blame them on me, accusing me of attacking and belittling him. And in the same sentence saying stuff like: ‘I am not responsible for your feelings, how you chose to react is your problem and it makes me withdraw, I don’t know how much longer I can put up with it’. (Hasten to add, I was very sensitive, I did not once shout, verbally abused him, made fun of him or anything like that. I genuinely, hand on heart, have been loving and understanding and communicating at all times). All I said was I can see how much he is hurting and I know I am not equipped to help him, the stability, the love, the warmth I was putting into the relationship was not enough for him, I could see that.

Dunnowhy’s explanation makes perfect sense, thank you dunno.
It sort of validates my train of thoughts. As long as I didn’t question his status quo everything was fine. Too much for me to cope with, I bow down gracefully.

I found peace by focusing on my own well being. I am lucky in that I have a very good support network. I managed to detach myself.
Hope tou find your peace too.

If he is with someone else, it's a shame that someone else will go through being an emotional crutch to an inefficient person and it'll take it's toll on the new girlfriend. There will be their own dynamics whatever that girlfriend brings into it, it could end up volatile, aggressive, depending on girlfriend's own issues and temperament.
You dodged a bullet I think.
If he contacts you from now on, even full of apologies and regrets and even if he makes the right sounds and makes promises of getting help etc you must not be available to him. You shouldn't have time for him. He's not the person you thought he was and you want a balanced relationship whereas he is not.

Wow indeed 8FencingWire - thank you for sharing that. Incredible similarities, I’m sorry you’ve been through the same, it’s the confusion over it all that’s made it all so much harder, so it’s interesting to hear different but similar experiences. I’m so pleased for you that you have been able to move on and find peace.

To be honest, Dunno’s (I don’t know how to tag properly, sorry) post has resonated so much with me that it has really helped me make sense of things. I’ll still never know if it was genuine or not, but that’s ok.

Thanks again to you both, really grateful for the input.

I'm glad it helped to see a different perspective. Unfortunately I have witnessed something similar happening in my very close family to a lovely family member (niece) who didnt deserve it and at the time it didn't make sense to us either.

In our case, the perpetrator was a man with very unhealthy upbringing, he was a scapegoat of narcissistic parents and apparently as we found out later on, he had been raised with psychological torture all his life, he had been humiliated, put down constantly, and even beaten up, thrown out into the street, run away from home only to be sent back to his bullying parents etc, all when he was growing up in his family home. Eventually he became a cold & calculating person, a psychopath who thinks the world owes him now after him suffering so much!
He wasn't a healthy minded, mature, grown up person, he was a broken man who was stuck at some point of his early childhood. He needed affection of a proper mother and father but he didn't get them, he had parents but they screwed him up. So his mission was to take & take & take at all cost as long as he benefits from it. He had to look after himself as no one else was doing it for him. Charming at first but deep down calculating yet at the same time very childlike and open to people showing her care and affection. A very weird combination.
He was behaving really odd and fragile in weird situations so my niece started to tiptoe around him in order to not to hurt his fragile feelings which started to ring alarm bells.
Eventually the perpetrator tried to extract money via some childish lies from my niece. At this point it became apparent something was very fishy about him as he was acting as if he was entitled somehow which was incredibly stupid thing from a normal person's viewpoint but he was incapable of seeing how it looks to other people.

When confronted (gently) he got aggressive, switched off completely as if there had been no love. Well, actually, of course there had been no love as far as he was concerned, because he was all along, acting with his self-interest. No love. Or perhaps he thought that was love. He was totally non-phased. He thought he was normal (within his own normality). I'm sure he saw himself as a victim of some injustice yet again.
Anyway, blessing in disguise, we wizened up to screwed-up man-child type of people (and their female versions too) and their tactics. Niece is so much stronger and wiser young woman now after this episode. When their relationship was at its "best" she still didn't know the real extent of his unhealthy mind - unhealthy upbringing, so she could not have been prepared for any of it. She grew so much at the end.

I'm going to teach my young dd how important it is to get to know someone properly (however much anyone can possibly get to know someone), to get to know their family and work dynamics and not to give too much of herself to anyone.
Best of luck to you both for the future.
to you strong and clever women.

Just wanted to add something to the great posts by Dunno.

I’m the one with issues.

I’d never ever wanted to be a victim. I’d always downplayed my issues. If I’d be forced before I was ready to confront my demons I’d have done all I could to protect myself from falling apart and just walked away too. Added to that if I felt guilty that my issues were affecting my DH I love him so much that I’d walk away in a heartbeat if I thought he’d be better off without me.

If I left to protect me, one day I might feel strong enough to talk about it. If I left because it was better for him, I’d never open dialogue about it because that wouldn’t be best for him and allow to hope.

joysmum thank you for sharing your own experiences.
I do understand your comments and it is easy to see that your keeping things to yourself is nothing to do with arrogant selfishness or being entitled to, but everything to do with protecting yourself from being exposed and protecting your loved ones from being affected by your issues, by negativity-hurt. It is in fact selfless and comes from a place of love and care for others. What they don't know, will not hurt them. This is understandable. I hope you find peace in the most gentlest way.

Joysmum. Thank you for opening that up from your own experiences.

It had crossed my mind that I should take a totally different approach and try and be a friend, support him, and not allow him to push me away. I wondered if he had done all of it as he felt I was better off without him. I buried that thought and now reading what you have said, you’ve given me another stance to consider. Ultimately I know it’s pointless though, as I don’t think he’d open a dialogue, whether that be just because he doesn’t give a shit and I’m looking way to far into it, or, if it’s similar to what you have said.

No idea. But it’s been really helpful getting different perspectives I’m grateful, thank you.