I am just getting my head around the point that I am going to have to do something, but whatever 'it' is, it is not coming naturally.
Been together 20 years and married for most of them. The relationship started quite young. We have 1 Dc who is 7.
Since DC was born it has been DH who has been very local to school etc and been lucky to be able to drop her off at school and pick up for some of the week. I have been working 3 days but with a commute that means for those 3 days I don't do the school run etc. The part time work does mean that the holidays are alleviated though, as well as meaning that I earn what I spend each month (mostly on travel and childcare for the school holidays when I am at work) and the job is ok but without many opportunities to make it satisfying. There is a small joint account for expenses etc but mainly, our finances do not mix.
DH now changing jobs and will have the same kind of commute as me, but full time. The advantages for him are: he will earn over 6x as much as I do, and less out of hours work, possibly also less personal stress. For all of these reasons, there would never have been any question about him not changing.
But. The family seems to work with 3 quite nicely but not with 2 when me and him get time without Dc. It is as if we almost shut each other out. We are busy, him in particular, and always seem to be not quite catching up with 30 things, so leave each other space for that. He has never come to where I work (doubt he could find me in case of an emergency) despite encouragement and it looks as if the reverse will also now be true in his new place. I did know a few people from the place he is leaving but even at his leaving 'do' recently, I don't think we were really in the same vicinity all night (there were games, he was playing them in a small team and I was inside). It was weird and felt a bit like a gatecrasher.
I am trying to be optimistic about the new order but am very worried about the differences it will bring to routine (and expect that it will require unwilling compromise from me - I have changed my hours but it is still optimistic that what I have done will be reliable enough to work with school) I know his priority is work. I am very keen to try everything to improve the relationship and closeness and I do think it could be fixable, but also have awareness that I can't do it just by myself. I am not even sure whether he thinks anything is all that wrong, usually I don't think we even get into territory to argue about.
Have just said on another thread that I thought someone would need to go through truth (ie the truth of their feelings even if DP would not want to hear it) before there is a chance at reconciliation, and the penny is dropping for me.
What would be manageable steps towards improving this? Anything about it? Sorry to post and disappear but will look again in the morning.