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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'Golf widow'

40 replies

poolball · 16/06/2018 00:06

This subject has I’m sure been discussed many times..... My partner moved in with me almost a year ago, we have dated for almost 10 years and have lived together before. I’ve lived in the same house for 20+ years which is near where I work, my partner has moved from a house which she rented and begun a new life in my town. Having lived here all my life I have friends and hobbies, I’m a very well respected snooked player, probably the best in the town and also a top cyclist, which at 50 yrs old also helps me stay fit. The problem lies that my partner says that, playing snooker twice every week, cycling maybe 3 times per week and the odd beer with a mate, she says I live ‘a single life’. On the other hand my partner, after living here almost a year, has not made any real friends, she just spends most of her time in her small holding with her chickens and rabbits and the fact she doesn’t work probably gets a bit bored and that’s where she looks at me. I on the other hand work 6 days a week and I do know that if I’d have been the one to move town then I’d have been fine, I’d have joined the local snooker team and cycling club. It’s now got to a point that I don’t go out with my local cycling club anymore as they don’t get back until between 1-2pm on a Sunday, and my partner says I’ve got to be back by 11am so we can do something together like go around the charity shops in Hebden Bridge. My partner is 10 years older than I am, and I don't want to sound patronising but biking together is like biking with a child. We both have children from previous marriages, all of which are grown up now and living away. So my dilemma is.......should my partner make more of an effort to get friends and hobbies or should I stop living my single life?

OP posts:

lostinjapan · 16/06/2018 03:11

I think having your own space and separate interests is positive and healthy. But if you’re working six days a week, then going out 5/6 times on your own each week, she must barely see you! I’d be very lonely in her position, and sad you didn’t want to spend time with me, doing something I’m interested in. Especially as she’s moved to the area for you, and is taking an interest in your hobbies by going cycling with you.

I would try and help her to make friends and find her own hobbies (if that’s what she wants), but I would also cut your solo outings down significantly. If the relationship is important to you, that is.

PrizeOik · 16/06/2018 05:09

I disagree with the pp. Don't change your hobbies - please. Stay healthy, stay fit, stay engaged with your friends. Don't make your life smaller for a partner. It will bite you in the end.

It would be different if there were small children to coparent. But she is a grown woman with only herself to manage! It's not your job to amuse her and relieve her loneliness. She definitely needs to make friends and get hobbies. In the nicest possible way - what if you died tomorrow? She needs a life.

And beyond that. She knows you, she's know you a long long time. She needs to take you as you are or move on. If she didn't like social sporty you, then why did she continue a relationship with you?

adaline · 16/06/2018 05:13

I'm torn here.

Yes, everyone needs hobbies and their own interests but I would be really sad if my partner worked six days, went out to do his hobbies 5:6- times a week and didn't make any time for me unless I asked him to.

Don't you want to spend time with her?

PomPomtheGreat · 16/06/2018 06:26

Your post absolutely oozes arrogance and a fair amount of contempt for your partner. Do her a favour and leave her. She could probably do better.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/06/2018 06:36

I don’t think your post oozes arrogance, and I wouldn’t stop doing the activities.

FinallyHere · 16/06/2018 06:40

Given the choice between hobbies I am already invested in, and 'going round charity shops', I would go for the hobbies everytime. Do you have any activities you both enjoy? Are you really compatible?

Why are you living together?

adaline · 16/06/2018 06:44

But isn't part of being in a relationship compromise?

Nobody here has said OP needs to give up his hobbies but working six days a week, plus doing hobbies six times a week doesn't leave much time for a relationship.

I would be pretty fucked off if I moved house for someone and I never spent time with them because they were always out cycling or having drinks with their mates.

If you're in a relationship with someone surely you should want to spend time with them?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/06/2018 06:45

I think you’ve done well stopping your Sunday morning cycling OP, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than spend Sunday’s visiting charity shops. There’s obviously got to be give and take but I think you are.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/06/2018 06:48

They’ve dated for 10 years adaline, she must know his normal routine. Should someone have to give up their (known about) hobbies?

Ryder63 · 16/06/2018 06:49

Indeed - why ARE you living together? It doesn't seem that you want to spend much time with her.

Vivasummer · 16/06/2018 06:49

It doesn’t sound as if you are well matched. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do the charity shops but don’t you have any shared interests? Do you actually want to be with your partner?

Cawfee · 16/06/2018 06:50

Blimey. I’d dump you to be perfectly honest. No point being in a relationship if you never see each other. There’s hobbies and there’s obsession. 2/3 times a week for hobbies is perfectly adequate/normal/reasonable. 6 days a week on hobbies? You wouldn’t be of interest to me with a schedule like that. Why are you even in a relationship if you’re out all the time? If you like being out that much then dump the poor woman so you can both be happy. Sounds like you want your cake and eat it too. If you want a relationship then there’s a thing called “effort”. Google it.

adaline · 16/06/2018 06:51

Again, where did I say give up?

How can you expect to have a happy partnership with someone when you're always working or focusing on your hobbies? If OP works six days a week and used to cycle on Sundays up until 2pm that doesn't exactly leave them much time as a couple.

Add into that doing hobbies another five times a week - when are they supposed to spend time together? And if OP doesn't want to wander around charity shops, what's to stop them suggesting something else? A nice pub lunch, for example?

QuoadUltra · 16/06/2018 06:53

I’m with your partner. Some hobbies apart - fine. But 5/6 times a week when you work 6 days, not fine.

Take up hobbies together. Invite her to come with you when you meet your mates for a drink.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/06/2018 06:58

Maybe they shouldn’t be living with each other it their priorities are different. But I don’t think the op is wrong in the way they want to live their life. We only get one shot at it, and i think I’d get resentful if I were made to give hobbies up. Working 6 days a week is unfortunate, immediately one day is taken out of any weekly spare time. Maybe op does suggest other stuff together, they might expand on that with another post.

Fflamingo · 16/06/2018 07:01

Well it can still be nice just having someone to chat to over mealtimes (assuming you are around at mealtimes OP). Your partner would prob enjoy going out for a meal together once a week or walking at a National trust park. I don’t think she is expecting much. If you want to grow old with her you need to make a bit of effort.

swingofthings · 16/06/2018 07:04

You've done her for all that time and yet this matter has never come up? You don't sound much compatible at all from the sound of it. You're an independent, social and sporty and she sounds like she is a dependent person, relying on you to entertain her.

My OH and I are like you, both of us. When we met, my kids were still too young for me to be free, and probably relied more on him giving me attention and I know it did worry him a bit when we talked about moving in together, but being together every evenings was enough for me. As my kids have grown, I've followed his steps and started to be active. I now swim, run, cycle, play tennis, go on walks, and meet up with friends/family every weekends. DH did encourage me to take up cycling and I love it. I don't go with his club, he is way above my skill, but I'm now fast enough that he can go with me and still enjoy it and we've done some sportives together.

It suits BOTH of us because we are both independent by nature. We would BOTH hate to have a partner doing nothing and relying on the other. I imagine that she makes you feel guilty and that guilt mean you can enjoy the things you do enjoy and therefore you feel resentful which in turn makes you not want to spend as much time with her.

What did she use to do with her time before she moved in with you? Is it more a case that she used to have a busy life and friends but with retirement and moving, she is struggling to adjust, in which case you should be sympathetic or is it that indeed, you are just not compatible from that perspective?

Vivasummer · 16/06/2018 07:11

Is she looking for work or is this her life now?

AuntieStella · 16/06/2018 07:30

When do you make time for her?

And just her, doing something (not shopping) which she likes and/or makes her feels special?

The way you write about her seems both cold and dismissive. You won't give up even an occasional session of either of your activities tomspend time with her, and resent even doing one at a lower intensity from time to time.

Without a genuine willingness to put at least some of your time into activities as a couple, and without genuine concern for the contributing to the happiness of the other person, I think this might be doomed to remain chilly/unhappy (or just plain doomed).

What do you want your future to look like?

DownTownAbbey · 16/06/2018 07:31

You don't sound compatible.

Did the subject of your hobbies crop up before you moved in together? I don't understand how, after a decade, you have misunderstood each other this way.

Whilst I'm not saying you should give up your hobbies I don't understand why you don't want to spend time with your partner. I can see what you get out of the relationship (having someone at home waiting for you) but can't see what's in this for her tbh.

category12 · 16/06/2018 07:42

Gosh, she really made a mistake moving and living with you.

Have you tried socialising with her and helping her to get to know people in your area? She probably thought when you lived together you wouldn't need to go out virtually every evening: she probably thought you did it because you didn't like being at home alone.

I don't think you have to stop all the hobbies, but you should have reduced them a bit.

I think she should move back.

swingofthings · 16/06/2018 07:50

category's response really emphasize that it is a compatibility issue. I couldn't be in a relationship where I would need to help someone to know people in the area, especially when I was working FT and they were out of a job and had all the time in the day to do that.

I expect she moved to OH as she retired and indeed, assumed that life would be great and OP changing his ways. Maybe retirement is turning out to be different to what she imagined and making new friends harder than she envisioned. They need to talk, but ultimately, she should make herself so dependent on OP for companionship since clearly OP is not the type of person who is happy with sharing all or most of his time with only one person, who isn't able to share his interests.

swingofthings · 16/06/2018 07:51

Also thinking that this is a case scenario where the age difference is going to have an impact when one is still very active and the other wants to slow down.

category12 · 16/06/2018 07:59

Well, perhaps "helping" her socialise wasn't good wording - but if you're a part of a couple, you expect to socialise as a couple, at least some of the time, don't you? Sounds like op goes out alone to drink with mates more and doesn't ever think of including partners. It's not a case of giving up doing things alone, but doing things as a couple too.

SoapOnARoap · 16/06/2018 08:51

Who the hell does she think she is?

You are an individual, don’t be guilt tripped into changing. If she isn’t happy, she knows what she can do

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