How do you deal with a sulker / different styles of dealing with issues?

[Chewbecca]

DH and I have different ways of dealing with irritants.

He bugs me, I just tell him. Get it off my chest & then feel better and forget all about it. He knows this, I know he doesn't like it and frequently try to temper my honesty but do sometimes (often?) slip back into it.

DH doesn't tell me when I am being annoying or upsetting. But he then snaps and sulks for hours, and holds the grudge for much longer. Which I hate but I know I have triggered it.

Any tips please?

Which I hate but I know I have triggered it.

Yes, simply stop believing that you are responsible for his sulking. Sure, you may have done something to annoy him, just as he does you, but you are not responsible for his reaction.

I would say something long the lines of 'you are welcome to sulk of course, but I am going to completely ignore that as I think it is childish. When you are ready to stop sulking and speak to me like an adult I will be here to listen to you'.

Make sure that you DO ignore him. Consistently. Just as you would with a small child tantrumming.

Hard to tell from your op. It depends on what you mean by telling him when he's annoyed you and it depends what you mean by sulking.

I've heard people say some dreadful things to others in the name of 'honesty'. "I'm just not sugar coating it", "I say what I'm thinking, take or leave it", etc with little respect for the other person's feelings. Honesty is important though, so I'd say it's all in the delivery and when you say it (unrelated grievance during an argument is not fair for example).

Sulking is completely frustrating and childish and shuts down any hope of reasonable resolution of the problem. On the other hand, if one of the earlier described 'honest' insults has been delivered, it can be appropriate to just remove yourself from the person attacking you. So long as that isn't what you mean by sulking (as I've seen bullies label their victims as sulking in this manner when it really isn't, it's self preservation).

As for tips, I'd say talk about how you manage these things at a time when things are good and you don't have an argument brewing in the background. Decide on rules (e.g. walking away when one person shouts is allowed, no starting a difficult discussion after 9pm etc)

I dealt with sulking by telling my bf it was not acceptable and I wouldn't be with him if he did it again. It worked and now he doesn't sulk.

Sulking is learnt behaviour and is really another form of emotional abuse.

The decision to sulk is all his, this is his sole responsibility and not your problem to manage for him.

Re your comment:-

"H doesn't tell me when I am being annoying or upsetting. But he then snaps and sulks for hours, and holds the grudge for much longer. Which I hate but I know I have triggered it".

The object of the sulk is to force the other person to make the first attempt at patching things up so that the sulker can then reject them, thus extracting revenge. After what is considered an acceptable period of time, depending upon the gravity of the perceived misdemeanour, the sulker accepts reparation.

At the heart of the problem is the inability to articulate feelings. The sufferer withdraws, and sulking becomes the preferred form of communication. One of the first steps in therapy is to get the sulker to recognise they are sulking. Many refuse to do so.

I would think long and hard about your future within your relationship.

I divorced him.
I already had sulky teens.

I divorced him, after an epic 1 month sulk because I wouldn't buy him a box of 12 doughnuts all for himself. That was the final straw after years of emotional and financial abuse.

What Shoxfordian and Attilla said.

This is not a behaviour you should have to deal with. It's not just a different style of dealing with conflict. It's unacceptable and a form of emotional abuse.

My DP did it once to me (for days) fairly early on in our relationship and I told him if he ever did it again then I would walk. I meant it. He has NEVER done it again. (His dad did it for many years to his mum, alongside a lot of other abuse. DP was horrified when he suddenly realised he was on the path to replicating this.)

Seriously, this is a dealbreaker.

Thanks all.

It is learned behaviour, on both parts I think.

His family were totally repressed, no one expresses an opinion or feeling. Mine argue and shout constantly. I'd like to find a happy balance.

Neither of us ever shout. Never. I express opinions and feelings, he rarely does. And as you say atilla it results in his withdrawal. Am conscious of the bullying comment above, whilst I don't think I am a bully (who ever does?) it may be that he feels that way. I do need to ensure I express my feelings considerately, I know I don't always do this.

I think counselling would be good for but he refuses - not very surprising, he doesn't want to talk at all if he can help it. He does recognise he is sulking already. He actively chooses to do so to avoid dealing with stuff.

There is good in the marriage, we do still enjoy one another's company frequently so I am not at walking away point, I am at 'I want us to sort this out and have a better relationship' point.

Thanks for the wise words, much food for thought.

If that's his family's normal way of dealing with things then it is well ingrained and hard to change. We all have our 'stuff' like that, but it kills relationships if we won't work on it. And It is possible to fix negative behaviour like sulking, but will feel uncomfortable and require a strong desire to do so.

Could you have a chat about the things you both need to do in order to improve conflict resolution within your marriage? A tone of no blame, but of pulling together to improve and support both of you. Maybe find a self help type marriage book you could work through together as an alternative to counselling. If he won't do any of that then he isn't willing to change.

If he doesn't want to sort it out or have counselling though then you're just going to have to either accept this is how he is or decide if its a dealbreaker or not. Don't stay with someone thinking they will change though