Scared to tell new DP my past (Trigger warning)

[Userinneedofadvice]

I have been reading mumsnet threads for years but I have only just signed up to post this because I don't know who else to talk to. I can't talk to anyone in real life. I need you all to tell me to get a grip and just tell her because I am going to lose my DP if I carry on but I just bottle it every time I try to tell her.

My adopted father abused me till I left home at 16. I married EXH and we had two beautiful DCs but I couldn't tell EX what had happened and sometimes I would be ok but other times he would do something and I would just completely overreact and while its not the only reason our marriage ended it was definitely a factor.

I didn't think I would ever want to be in a relationship again but then I met DP and she is wonderful and I meant to tell her before she met the DCs so she could leave me if she wanted but I just choked every time I tried to tell her. And now she has met my DCs and they love her to bits and so do I.
But then the other week I did the same overreacting thing and we ended up having a massive row. I called and apologised later but I still didn't tell her the truth. But I know I need to because if I don't then it will just keep happening and eventually she will leave me.

I want to tell her tomorrow but at the same time I worry that if I tell her she might leave me but then if I don't she will probably leave me anyway so I know I should do it now. But everytime I try I just give up at the last minute and say something else.

I just need you all to tell me to get a grip and just tell her cause I know thats what I should do. I need to do it I just can't seem to pull myself together and get on with it.

Get a grip & tell her.

There. As you asked 😊

Given you were previously married to a man and are now with a woman, have you not already had some difficult/intimate/deep discussions?

You were abused by your adopted father...abandoned, adopted, abused 🙁. Why on earth do you think she would leave you? You didn’t do anything wrong. The adults in your life let you down.

She needs to understand where your fear is coming from, you need to let her in.

Trust her 🌷

Tell her, you'll feel so much better for saying it out loud. She might respond in a number of ways, but say it anyway. You did nothing wrong, you did nothing to feel shame about. You don't need to hide this. You deserve to have an open, honest transparent relationship. You sound bloody marvellous and I hope she scoops you up into her arms and hugs you to bits. X

Hello lovely

Really sorry you are going through this, please remember your a survivor and none of it was your fault

Can I suggest you write her an email, then you won't have to sit there and analyse facial expressions etc .

You can re write it until your happy with how,it sounds, she also gets time to digest before responding. It also means that calmer heads may prevail when you have the face to face talk.

Good luck 💐

She will have nothing but compassion for you

Get a grip and tell her......

Seriously though, if she leaves you because you've told her, she's not worth having.

I'd also consider putting it in writing. It's really normal to choke and not be able to say it (when we remember trauma a part of our brain that's responsible for speaking temporarily shuts down, its just a normal response) if you want to say it, practice what you want to say and if you 'choke' focus on bringing yourself back to the moment (for example taps your toes or wiggle your fingers)

She won't leave you for this, it's going to be ok.

We have had some difficult and deep discussions about my previous relationship and my sexuality we were friends for a while before we got together and it took me a while to work out what I was doing but those conversations weren't such big secrets she knew before we got together that I had been married with DCs so it wasn't really a life changing secret.

She might leave me because its a lot of baggage and a lot of things I haven't even resolved so how can I expect her to just accept them.

I know I need to tell her I lay awake at night thinking about the different ways I should do it. But when the moment comes I just panic and say something else. I love her and the DCs love and I don't know how I will cope if she wants to leave me.

If she left you for that she has done you a favour. Loads of people wait years to find out they're with a total shit head.

But she won't because very few people are that shitty in real life.

Does she have to know? Can you not just get some help with over reacting?
You sound like you have bpd to me and that your fear of abandonment issues are causing you big problems in your relationship. You need to work on this from now imo because otherwise you will constantly have these arguments and overreact.
How long have you been together? I ask because you seem very much in love and it seems quite soon.
I am sorry for what you've been through, but you are strong and you can be alone and your fear of losing her Is unfounded because life will still go on.
I'd actually make a start by going to the doctor and explaining some of this because it isn't going to be sorted by telling her your history. Even with loads of compassion, there's only so much people can take. So get to the GP and ask for therapy, and work on your fears. That really is the only way. You can't seek reassurance for your feelings from others. You need to manage them yourself. x

If you feel you can't tell her face to face, then write it down in a letter and hand it to her. She will understand how hard it is to say these things and she won't leave you over this - it wasn't ever your fault.

Maybe she doesn't have to know but I till feel like I should tell her because she is an important person in my life and the logical part of me knows that she will probably be ok and that none of it was my fault but I just can't seem to stop the overwhelming fear that she will leave me. Yet I hate having this massive secret in our relationship.

We have been together officially just over a year but we were friends for a while before that. I introduced her to the DCs 3 months ago and I was going to tell them she was just a friend for a while but then my eldest guessed what was going on so I had to be honest with hem.

I have had counselling while EXh and I were separating and it helped with a lot and i'm not half as bad as I was and I don't blame myself in the same way anymore. But even then I didn't tell the counsellor the whole truth of what happened I don't even really think I could now.

I don't know if I should email her because it feels like the sort of thing I should do in person. But the letter is a good idea because I could hand it to her and it would be in person but I wouldn't have to worry about actually saying those words to her outloud.

When I shared my secret with my dh, that was the start of the process of my life improving. It didn’t solve anything but my dh was able to point me in the direction of help, almost like I needed permission for that.

I told him because it was impacting on our relationship. He knew something wasn’t right because my reactions seemingly made no sense and if he’d written about me on MN then no doubt he’d have been told to LTB! As it was he knew I was a good person and he loved me. It was a relief for him too when I told him (relief isn’t the right word but I can’t think what the right word would be). There was an explaination and with help we both knew things would improve.

User I'm another who thinks you should write it down and tell your OH that there is something important you want to say, but have written it down as you can't find the words. That will lead to the conversation that you need to have. You will feel so much better when you get it out. It wasn't your fault. She won't leave you. Best of luck

Keep it simple, just give her this thread to read. And let her help you work out the best way to deal with your flare up. Good luck

Thank you so much for all your advice.
I have written a letter and I plan to give it to her today as soon as I get the chance. I am terrified but I think I do need to do this.

Hope it all goes really well. No matter what- hold your head up high and be proud of who you are.

Good luck OP. I am sure she will be nothing but supportive x

I hope it goes well User It will be an emotional and exhausting day, but worth it for you.