Alcoholic and feeling lonely

[Username36]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

Basically, I am an alcoholic and my dp walked out to go to his mum's last weekend. He said he'd had enough of coming home to a drunk and I don't blame him for this.

However, when he was here he was out every week-night training until between 8:30 and 9:30pm, did at least 4 hours of training on a Saturday and 2 hours on a Sunday. This was in addition to having his DD every weekend although I admit his DM takes most of the slack for that because of his training schedule.

He was becoming more and more nasty to me over the last few months and saying things which really upset me. He says now that he knows he was a dick to me and this was because he was sick of my drinking and sort of took on a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. He says he does want us to be together and loves me but that I need to get help and show I'm determined to stop drinking. I agree. However, I do feel that in the same way he did not cause my drinking, I didn't cause him to be a dick and be nasty. Does anybody agree with this or can they see why he would have behaved like this?

I've told him that I know I have to make big changes but I feel that he also needs to change and compromise if we are to make this work. I'm now 6 days sober which is my longest time without alcohol for months as normally I was drinking everyday. I have no intention of drinking and am going to my first counselling session tomorrow. I can't help feeling abandoned in a way and am totally on my own but this might be selfish of me. Just as he left me all week to go out and do his own thing, I feel he has now left me when I am at my most vulnerable. I understand that he can't and shouldn't live with me at the minute but wish he would even suggest meeting for coffee for an hour to get me out of the house. I feel so lonely.

I have experienced lonely weekends, it’s hard. Have you contacted any old friends who might be able to meet up occasionally?

Also, on AA, wonder if that might be worth another try, if an individual’sbehaviour was the main thing that put you off. You have choices about how to deal with people. If you meet another person who seeks to monopolise your time use it to practice your “boundaries”.

Username36, the woman you mentioned at AA? You do realise that AA members are just flawed alcoholics like you? They're not social workers. No one is paid to help. She may have relapsed or had other issues. Did you ring her?

Tbh, I'm not surprised your DP was pissed off with you. Drunks are very hard work. My DH didn't like me when I was drinking either. The only people who don't hate living with drunks are other drunks.

I strongly recommend AA. You need several meetings a week. They say you should go to meetings as often as you drank. I was in rehab for 6 weeks, then went to 4/5 meetings a week for the first few years.

I've now got adult DC who have never seen me drink. AA is a wonderful thing, and it teaches you unexpected life skills.

And, I should add, if you go to AA you won't have time to be lonely. You'll soon make friends. Most newly sober alcoholics are lonely. That's one of the reasons for AA.

Thank you for the replies. I think I will give AA another go but go to a different meeting to see if it's a 'better fit' for me.

I've had a good day today. I slept for hours last night and it was a deep and dream-filled sleep, something which I haven't experienced for years. My body probably doesn't know what has hit it after the years of alcohol abuse. It is like slowly coming out of a trance. I haven't actually done much today but that suits me fine and it is a revelation to wake up without that familiar feeling of dread.

I've been reading anything I can get my hands on to do with quitting and self-care. Books I particularly recommend so far are 'The unexpected joy of being sober', 'The Naked Mind' and 'Self Care for the Real World'. I also watched a very interesting film on Netflix called 'Smashed' which is about a journey from alcoholism to AA and eventually sobriety.

I've been sober nearly 4years so I know how hard it is. Your doing great, get support, AA, women for sobriety, whatever works for you. Well done xxx

It is worth getting to a few different AA meetings in different areas - until you find one you are really comfortable with, they often have a different “feel” to them.

Also, it might be worth considering that you just weren’t ready to stop before, so you focused on the things about AA that you weren’t keen on - as the alcoholic voice in your mind wants to keep you as far away from the things that will help you to beat it.

In terms of loneliness, connecting with other people who are similar to you, and who understand you, will go a long way towards helping you to feel a part of something.
Good luck

Just an update that I'm nearly 3 weeks sober now and am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I've had my good and bad days but definitely more good days. I'm realising that this is what most people feel like all the time and that it is not normal to be in a cycle of drinking and constant hangovers. I'm taking a full range of vitamin supplements and making sure I'm eating as healthily as I can. Saying that, I have been craving sugary snacks! I would never have said before that I have a sweet tooth but there you go! I've also been checking to work and back everyday even when I don't feel like it. I have also joined a local cycling club.

My DP hasn't returned home and he says he won't come back to this house as he hates it and it's too small. I'm getting used to him not being here if I'm honest. I have done a good amount of housework since being sober and have rearranged things how I like them. I have also bought myself flowers as they brighten up the place and make me feel happy. He says he wants us to work out but at the same time is not making any arrangements to see me. He does text me everyday to see how I am but the messages are very matter of fact and without affection. I certainly won't be holding out for 'I love you's anytime soon!

Cycling to work and back I mean!!

Glad to hear things are going well. Alcoholism is a serious and deadly disease so you may find that you need more than supplements and books. I needed meetings because I needed frequent contact with other alcoholics, to hear their stories, to be with people who totally understood.

When I first tried to stop drinking I avoided AA. I wanted to do it on my own. I tried various ideas but in the end I had to admit that none of them worked for more than a month or two. AA is more demanding, but it's the only thing that worked for me.

Hi User. It sounds like you are doing fantastically well. You don't sound as desperate for DP to return as you did. Maybe you are discovering that you are worth more now that you are sober? I hope things continue to improve for you, and thanks for the update

I forgot to ask if you found an AA meeting or are getting some support elsewhere? That could be very useful for keeping you on track and meeting new people.

@clownfaces I have been to 2 counselling sessions so far and have another one on Saturday. I get at least 6 free sessions with work so will make the most of it. Apart from that I've been reading forums, joined Club Soda on Facebook, signed up for The Alcohol Experiment, watched numerous YouTube videos and have been reading books on giving up alcohol and on building self-esteem. I've also been cycling to work and back everyday, joined a local cycling club and have rediscovered my joy of cooking. I also sorted my sock drawer as hardly any of them matched!

AA has worked for millions of people since 1936. We all think we're special and different and we aren't. Mostly fucked up individuals trying to stay well. You can't judge whether it's for you bsddd in two meetings and one person. Get your bum into a meeting every single day for 90 days and then tell me it's not for you. Think about what it was like for your partner and have some compassion for him. Relationships are hard work in recovery because there is so much that needs mending but first keep focus on you. Alcoholics need connection with other alcoholics. You are powerless against the first drink. You can do all the self help and intellectualising you like but being in recovery is about connectionn and realising you can't control anything least of all your ability to drink or not drink. Don't white knuckle it. Without a programme of recovery you have no defence against cravings when they next come back, you need people who you can turn to because you are going to need them trust me. Time to put your judgement and perceptions aside and really ask yourself are you desperate enough to get well?