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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Whatsapp. Is it OK for...

47 replies

dramabeanqueen · 15/06/2018 17:57

Is it ok for my partner and his workmates to send each other porn vids/vids of other females on Whatsapp?

I don't use Whatsapp. But I am finding the sharing between workmates thing a bit weird. And creepy. Especially as the 3 of them are all supposedly attached and with kids?

I noticed that one of my partner's responses to a group of sent videos was 'bloody lovely' ......

OP posts:

Newerversion · 15/06/2018 20:14

What a thoroughly depressing thought it is that grown arsed men are sharing wank material. Yuck.

ladamanera · 15/06/2018 20:23

With workmates? Professionally endorsing seeing faceless women as playthings? Thats so grim. And very dangerous.

eightfacesofthemoon · 15/06/2018 20:36

Why don’t you post on here endlessly asking if you’re oh is a disrespectful human
And then start another thread asking the same.

He is dispicable
DISPICABLE
I don’t think it’ll sink in. But you have one of the worst partners in the world.
Ever

TornFromTheInside · 15/06/2018 20:58

I don't see such men as bad people, not in general, most are actually quite normal, I just find it so sad really. Pathetic in the true sense of the word.

My own personal view is that whilst such men 'think' they are enjoying their sexuality and admiring beautiful women, it just makes me think they are completely missing out on so much, something deeper... it's like they are getting their kicks looking at the fire extinguisher in the Louvre when they can't see the real art right in front of them.

WickedLazy · 15/06/2018 21:06

Yes, lets make the women feel bad about something that has become such a social norm, that she felt she needed to ask on here if she was being silly to feel off about it. Only to have other women responding whose dp's also do it (only they aren't bothered by it. But the op is, no matter how trivial it may seem to others. Op no matter what he tells you, not all men do it. Not hard to leave a chat group is it? Try adding him to various knitting and craft groups, and see how quick he can hit the exit or leave or whatever button when it suits him, and when he doesn't like what's being shared, or isn't sacrficing his morals to feel like "one of the guys".

WickedLazy · 15/06/2018 21:08

*woman (d'oh)

TornFromTheInside · 15/06/2018 21:15

That's precisely it. I'm a red blooded male, I have thoughts and feelings like most men (and women) do, but I don't need to laugh and joke about some video 'off the net' - it's not off the net, it's something you've found or received and saved in order to forward to other men. Think about that. It's not only arrived from a mate, it's been kept and sent on.

The more you analyse the truth of it, the more pathetic it becomes. It's not just a 'bit of a laugh' is it? And let's not kid ourselves here - I'll spell out precisely what some of the typical videos are - because I've had them thrust at me -

Women inserting or ejecting a wide variety of objects from their bodies (coke cans, batteries etc)
Women who've been filmed without their knowledge because they had nice legs, or a curvy bottom, or big breasts

or sod it. I'm not going to list them all, but do not think for one moment the men passing these images and videos around are looking at page 3 material, they aren't.

Original poster

dramabeanqueen · 15/06/2018 21:16

He didn't tell me. I looked at his phone tonight because I saw Whatsapp vids coming in from one of his mates who I suspect is an arsehole. I don't usually look at partners phone at all. But I did decided because I found to find out what the vids were and I also wanted to find out if partner is mouthing off about me to same workmates as things are bad. He did a few times refer to me as 'her' and 'she' with no name. I am not a prude about porn but the sharing with workmates creeps me out. I called him out on it tonight and he said 'but I don't send or share anything, they share it with me'........

OP posts:

Original poster

dramabeanqueen · 15/06/2018 21:17

Walking away is heavily on the cards. It's just so hard with small kids involved :'(

OP posts:

Myheartbelongsto · 15/06/2018 21:22

I couldn't lose my shit over this to be honest op.

WickedLazy · 15/06/2018 21:23

It would take him two minutes to delete whats app, or to block work mates and pretend he'd deleted it. He wants to recieve this stuff. Is he respectful about you in these convos? Is it "she's making dinner, then we're watching a film" or "oh her? I don't care"

Original poster

dramabeanqueen · 15/06/2018 23:07

After a fall out he spoke to one of these mates and it was 'she's away to her mother's'.

OP posts:

bunchofdrapes · 16/06/2018 09:29

Either it's ok with you or it's not. Regardless of what the rest of the population thinks.

Imagine if your intuition were to be upset about it and people said no you should be ok with it. Would they change your feelings?

Drchinnery · 16/06/2018 09:55

I don't know if it's just me but If I caught my husband wanking into a sock I would find it hilarious and take the piss out of him forever. He is also in a work whatsapp group which shares ridiculous porn videos. He shows me, because he knows I'll find it funny and not overreact. I don't really care and neither does he. He's not sharing them others are. Yes they are immature. Yeah it's a bit weird and pathetic and they should probably find better things to do but it doesn't affect our relationship.

That aside I think you need to address the other issues in your relationship and your insecurities rather than focusing on stuff like that as it sounds like you're very unhappy. If he's referring to you as her or she then that is more of a worry as it's a lack of respect for you which you need to nip in the bud and quickly because it means he's not listening to you. I would be interested to know how old he is because he sounds like an 17 year old who needs to grow up!

TornFromTheInside · 16/06/2018 10:43

If you receive one willingly, you are sharing it. You say he is not sharing them, others are, as if to absolve him, or lessen his part. He's not an innocent bystander in it.
If they are 'funny' porn videos, then what's funny? Some guy commenting over the top of them? Some woman in such a place in her life she has to be videoed putting things inside herself? Or is it ok that a woman's video is passed around without her consent?
Trivialising it because it doesn't personally bother you doesn't mean it doesn't have a wider impact on men and women.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2018 10:49

I think his behaviour and that of his workmates is grim all round.

You mentioned your relationship having current relationship issues.
What are these?. What you describe re the WhatsApp is not the only thing that is going on here at all is it?. That is probably the tip of a bloody great iceberg.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2018 10:50

I would not want to be going on holiday with him either.

Thudercatsrule · 16/06/2018 10:52

It’s a very common thing between guys, doesn’t bother me tbh.

OakIsBetterTho · 16/06/2018 10:55

It’s a very common thing between guys, doesn’t bother me tbh.
Evidently not in a lot of people's worlds, and certainly not in mine. Well, not when they pass the age of 18 or so... even then it's weird
Honestly op he sounds like an utter twat, as he has done previously. The sooner you leave him, the better. You will in the end anyway, so bring it forward, don't spend a single more second on him!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/06/2018 10:56

Is this really a common thing between "guys"?. I actually think otherwise and this sharing of is mainly the preserve of men who actually hate women, all of them. Further trivialising this by stating it does not bother you does not mean it does not have a wider impact on relationships between the sexes.

bakingdemon · 16/06/2018 11:03

Are you OK with him watching porn? Because I would not be happy with that at all, let alone the video sharing. All of their actions are disrespectful to their partners and disrespectful to women.

TornFromTheInside · 16/06/2018 11:55

What I have witnessed personally is a few guys seem to always have this porn on their phones, then they 'share' it with mates - often just showing them in a huddle somewhere. The guys that stay and watch it are every bit as complicit in my opinion.

It's not always younger lads either, it's middle aged men. My 'estimate' would be something like 10% will have it, and another 60% will be more than willing to look at it on someone elses phone. I suspect many just watch it but are too embarrassed to object or speak up. I have no problem telling them I have no interest, and I know others say the same, but we're still a minority. We can have a high sex drive and healthy sexual appetite and still say no to this crap.

Also, in my experience, the sort of stuff isn't particularly mild. They don't huddle around to see a pair of boobs, they huddle around to see more extreme things.
That's not to say there aren't the odd conversations about some celebrity and 'ooh I'd give her one, or have you seen this topless pic of her?' (still very sad) - but the majority of stuff floating around these guys phones is grim.

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