My dad died a few years ago. A colleague and her family were very sympathetic - sent a card, kind words all that.
In the last couple of years the relationship between my colleague and I deteriorated. My h left me and my colleague is friends with the OW. She clearly supported my ex and the ow. We were still working together and things got increasingly frosty. Her daughter muscled in and started to consistently complain about me (I am a teacher) and made a few efforts to get me suspended. These were dismissed by the board.
During this time my mother got sick. I was often quite stressed. The daughter used to hang around the school car park recording my arrivals, departures, when I took my class out for a game and so on. And then complaining. She also used things my colleague was telling her to try and build up a complaint. The combination of this behavior and my mums sickness and having to work in a very toxic environment made me very very ill. This was very much connected to the behaviour of my colleague and her family.
I found a new job and left the whole community, leaving my ex and his ow to carry on like bing there. It was horrible right up until the end. Then my mum died and I had to travel huge distances to sort things out. When I left she was actually in hospital and she died whilst I was traveling. I felt hugely guilty that this work situation had overwhelmed me to the point that I had not given my mum my absolute attention in the last weeks of her life.
Now I hear that my colleagues husband is in hospital with the same thing that killed my dad. He has hours left. He will probably be not with us in the morning and his family, including his daughter who frankly showed no kindness to me when I felt that I was losing thing after thing is there too.
So what would the bigger person do? Nothing? Send a card offering condolences? Go to the funeral? (Actually I think that this would not be right at all).