Nowhere else to turn

[newuser2018]

I don't really know where to start just need an outlet for my feelings right now. Been with DH 6 years bit married 7 months. DS is 18mo. We were always a close couple, too close probably but did everything together. Feel like I lost myself in this relationship though. He is a good man and great dad but I am wondering why I am still with him. It has not been the same since DS was born. Traumatic pregnancy/delivery and pnd didn't help. But the demands of a child made me realise that I felt like I lost my identity. I am just a mum. Love my boy more than anything and of course I was prepared for the sacrifice to a point, but my OH just suffocates me. He accused me of cheating last year when on maternity leave with pnd and agoraphobia at the time- and he has ocd and one of his symptoms is obsessive thoughts so he made my life hell. I rarely go out anywhere and time alone I get is 1 hour per week with a counsellor. I tried ending it last year when we were at our worst point but he made me feel guilty and began to say he will be having our son. I have ever since been scared to go. Then January came and I hit a low point with depression and again said I think maybe we need to have a break following lots of arguments; he told me if I want a break I must leave and I cannot take our son. I dont have any family or real close friends, he has kind of made sure of that over the years. Anyway last few months have been ok but his constant complaining about lack of money, about how the house is never kept to 'his' standards (like i said he has ocd), moaning cos he has to work, complaining if we dont spend time together.... we went to cinema recently and DS stayed with in laws... we just felt lost without our son, didn't speak much, I wanted to go for a mean but he said no he has already eaten today, he moaned the cinema was hot, chairs uncomfy, film too long. We used to be like best friends and had such fun but he just never wants to do anything except stay in watching tv. I start Uni this year and plan to throw myself fully into the experience... just wondering if anyone has any advice or even just some acknowledgement that Im not the only one perhaps. I am promising myself I will make friends at uni and go out and socialise, just create a bit of a life for myself, my son will be at a lovely nursery too and Im so excited for him cos he loves being around other children, can't help but have this feeling like the marriage is doomed though and and a bit scared of how he is gonna be when I start uni

He sounds abusive OP.
He' isolated you from friends and family.
Is controlling.
And what I call a 'fun-sucker'
This will be your life now.
You are way too young to settle for this.
He won't take your son. All abusers use this line.
It just doesn't work like that.
Have a chat with Womens Aid and see what they say.
They can help you with an exit plan.
Get this nasty man out of your life and start to live!!

He comes across as nice to people and the things he says to be mean are always my fault, a joke which I took seriously or I imagined it. Over the years I have questioned myself so much. My depression gets blamed for a lot of our past issues, it is all on me. Even to the point of when we spoke about the potential for having another child one day he said he doesn't want any unless I can promise I won't "go mental" again.
During our rough patch last year I planned a few things, a gig with my friend (female) planned to go out for a few drinks with colleagues... but he just made me feel so uncomfortable. He talks as if he is just worried for my welfare like he wants to keep me wrapped up in a bubble but it always ends up the same way I just cancel doing things because I know he doesn't want me to do anything. I have promised myself that changes this year; I am going to the Uni balls, the nights out etc- not all necessarily I know I have my son as priority first and foremost, but I am promising myself I will have the whole Uni experience. Do I wait and see what happens? Maybe he is gonna change and will encourage me to live a bit? I feel like without DS walking away would be easy but I always find I am more concerned about the impact a broken family might have on my boy, it scares me. I'm just terrified. Have no family, finances or anyone for real support so it really feels like the biggest step and it overwhelms me.

Hells bells is right, OP. This is an abusive relationship and he will not change. His controlling behaviour is probably the cause of your depression. There is a book called Living with the dominator, which you may find enlightening. There is nothing wrong with you. It's him.

Seek advice from local services. Don't "wait and see" because you will convince yourself to wait a bit more and a bit more until something bad happens or you drive yourself bloody crazy. There's help out there, you need to find it. Here's a link that may point you in the right direction, there's a 24hr helpline too who I'm certain could give you further contacts and advice. Good luck

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/what-can-womens-aid-do-for-me/

My ex was like that, controlling but it was always my fault. He would say how anxious I made him going out etc. I'm out and free, with support from these boards. It's the best thing I've ever done. It's still a bit rough, but I'm dating my best friend, I've gone back to uni and generally loving life. I get every other weekend away from the kids and it's bliss. Mine got arrested (have no doubts, what's he is doing is abuse and illegal), because he was stupid enough to provide me with evidence. But I was prepared to go in a refuge if needed. Please contact your local women's aid and message me if you need a chat.

Thank you for all the comments and advice.
I am speaking with my counsellor, opened up about so many things to her so far, but kept a lid on the relationship thing but I finally feel like I can't keep it all inside anymore.
I am so scared to hurt him. He has mentioned a few times how I have absolutely devastated him with trying to split before. I really don't like hurting people. I care about him. Don't love him like I used to though and in a way I feel like I am still grieving for that part. Tried phoning womens aid today but bottled it and hung up. I do feel bad in a sense cos recently life has been bearable; no real arguments, I don't go anywhere or do anything so he can't be insecure. You are all right I do need to seek advice. He can just make me feel so anxious if he decides he is gonna be in a mood or seem "off" with me. Doesn't hit me or get physical but the psychological hold is intimidating enough. He knows I have nowhere to go, no money and nobody to help me out a bit so I think I really need to use my brain and find out just what I can do.

So happy you are reaching out for help. It sounds like your partner uses guilt to control you as well. Have a look at "Out of the fog" website. Fog stands for fear, obligation and guilt. It's what abusive people use to keep us engaging with them. No need to rush this process. Make careful plans to free yourself. Don't let him suspect what you are doing. If you have moments of doubt, remind yourself that your DC deserves better than to grow up witnessing his mum being controlled and manipulated.

CanIGetARefund Thank you for the information. That website is really enlightening. I am working myself up inside to the point where I just wanna run away to avoid confrontation, so keep bringing myself back to this thread to calm me down and make me think rationally.
I'm so confused cos everything has been blamed on my pnd really in our relationship and its only now that I am starting to think well maybe that is not entirely true.
I won't rush into going despite wanting to run. I need to think carefully about everything and want to be well prepared for my son.
But it means a lot that people have commented and said how I can get out and be happy, as some of you have done. Thank you everyone.

@newuser2018 well done for trying though. It won't come easy, it's a huge step you're taking so of course it's going to feel hard, and you're going to doubt yourself. But keep your head level, remember the reasons you're doing this and how you feel. Try that phone call again, even if you start by saying "hi I'd like to discuss a few issues I've got" rather than "hi I need help to get out" to calm your nerves. The conversation will flow gently and then you will feel comfortable to say that you want to leave/sort things out. Keep your head high. You can do this.

He won't change. Abusers don't change. The only way it will get better is for you to leave, although I understand that's a scary thought.

His behaviour has got nothing to do with OCD. He is abusing you. Everything you describe is classic coercive control. Especially his reactions and threats when you have tried in the past to leave.

His behaviour is about having ownership and control over you. He doesn't care how you feel, he doesn't care that he's harming you - that is the whole point.

The FreedomProgramme (freedomprogramme.co.uk) would really help you wrap your head around how deliberate and incredibly abusive all of this is. (Including the fact he charms other people (how better to ensure they don't suspect what he's doing to you) and flips things around to say you made him behave that way, blaming OCD for his behaviour.)

My abuser didn't pretend to have OCD, but he still ticked off pretty much every single thing you have described.

Leaving will be hard, but you're more than capable. Your mental health struggles are most likely the result of his abuse. If you leave, they will be able to get better. If you stay, they will only get worse.

Thoughts for you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Because I guarantee it won't get better, only worse, with him.

Do you want your child growing up thinking this is how he should let other people treat him? Or how he should treat women?

Do you want him to be subjected to what you are? Do you want him to feel the way you do? This will have an impact on him.

Do you really want to be dealing with all of that on top of uni? Don't you want to give yourself the best chance possible to exceed and fulfil the dreams you describe in your first post?

Women's Aid can help you figure out to leave successfully and safely. Freedom can help you understand what has been going on and how to protect yourself and your son in the future.

Is it typical that the abusive one blows hot and cold?

Sometimes it is "you should go out enjoy yourself" and other times it is "I don't like the idea of you going here"

He is home all weekend so will have to make the phone call next week but I will try and have the bottle to speak this time.

He is a great dad, does love our son but I guess the fact I am questioning all this shows something is off.

Just don't want to paint the picture I or my son are in danger. I know there are people out there who legitimately are in dangerous scenarios but it isn't the case here. Life is bearable and things have been quite calm lately.

Thank you Gruffalina72 I will look into the freedom programme too. Anything to help me make sense of it all.

Yes definitely typical - it's why many women don't disclose abuse or don't feel it's worth leaving because "he's not always like this" or "he's actually a lovely person, it's just now and again" In actual fact - they are always like that. They're not lovely. They're manipulative and controlling and they know that by giving you little morsels of hope you'll stay.