When does NC start helping

[Willowmays]

Been NC with awful ex for nearly two months now, sad to say I don’t feel any better from it. Had a really unhealthy relationship - he cheated multiple times and gaslighted me, we have 1 DC and when I was pregnant he was emotionally abusive and forced me to have sex with him when I didn’t want to. But for some reason I still feel a level of unhealthy attachment?

Every other breakup I’ve been through has been shit for a few days but I’ve generally bounced back and got on with life but this time is a whole other story.. I don’t know if it’s because of DC or because of the abusive behaviour.

Reached a point of non attachment last year while we were still in contact - kept it to DC only and wouldn’t entertain any other topics of conversation but all he wanted was to draw me back in emotionally. Would do or say anything to get me invested in him.

I found out he also has other children he kept secret.. so my DC have several siblings who probably don’t live far from us, could end up going to the same school.

Everything he put me through has really made me miserable with the fact we now have a life long tie. I really wish DC had different father, I feel like I will never have closure or be able to move on. Don’t enjoy being a single mum, the only interaction we have is from baby classes or going to the shops, rarely see family or friends.

He’s apparently on low income so only has to pay pennies as the maintence is divided several times to different children. At least some of which were conceived while I was heavily pregnant and struggling, and he was also obsessively going through my friends lists on social media looking for women he could sleep with.

The entire ordeal has been hellish to put it lightly, and has left me feeling really resentful and hopeless. I don’t know if it’s the iscolation making things worse or if I’d feel the same anyway. I love DC and have had no problems bonding but can’t help but feel he’s overshadowed and ruined my experience of motherhood

Really frustrated at myself because I realised he was a shit person a few weeks after I got pregnant but he promised to put DC first and support me. If we didn’t have a child I think I could deal with the hurt gradually but I don’t have the luxury of time or money to get therapy etc. I don’t want DC to pick up on my suffering and hopelessness but it’s very difficult to pretend to be happy all the time while struggling with 0 support network

Mostly a rant I suppose but any advice on how I can move forward is more than welcome.. or stories from anyone who’s been through similar and made it out the other side

How long were you together for?

I would continue with the NC and accept where you are right now with no judgement. I think I read somewhere that went along the lines the deeper it hurts just shows how deeply we loved. For me it took me around 18 months to fully get "over" the first guy I fell in love with even though that was a thing that only lasted a year. He was nasty and abusive as well.

Boy 2: 9 month thing. We stopped talking for a year. I messaged him recently when I was really low, we were willing to give things another go but I had changed in that time and it didn't feel right.

Especially after abuse you have to try to build yourself up again.Time helps. You don't have to put on a brave face. Journal. Cry. Watch movies to distract yourself.Light scented candles, use bath stuff, coffee- Try to do something small that brings you "joy" as my sisters says. Post here too as much as you need too.

You will get through this.

im the same tbh! awful abusive ex NC for 6 months but i still dont feel better, i think about him daily (several times) i think its just harder when you have childreb with the person.

It took me about 11 weeks before I started to feel anyway better. I'm nearly at 13 weeks now and while I still have a sense of sadness I don't feel so raw.

They say a month for every year you were together. I find that to be optimistic!

But feeling more, and for longer, for an abuser is quite normal, because they take away parts of you, so there isn't as much of "you" left to do the getting over, if that makes sense. Losing them feels like losing a part of yourself, because that's what they've done: replace parts of your mind, feelings and identity with themselves.

Other than yet more time, the only advice I can think of is to do things for yourself that he won't find out about, preferably ones he would have disapproved of.

Learn a new skill, or plan a trip to a new place even if you won't be able to take it for a long time. One of my abusers hated war films, so because I'd always quite liked them but hadn't seen many, I compiled a list of the "must sees" using what fans online had to say about it, and rented a load. Anything like that might help.

A post-break-up makeover is something I'm usually all in favour of, but it has the disadvantage that the ex is quite likely to find out about it. And with abuse, it can be important to keep things to yourself for a while, while you build yourself back up.

Best of luck.

It is hard.
It does take time, and you'll feel like you're not getting there. When you think about it or want to contact him it makes you feel like you're not progressing. But by not contacting and not doing anything... that's you making progress.

There is no time limit.
It depends on you.
It's how you handle the urges each time they come along.

Could you do the Freedom Program on line - that might help! Well done for the NC so far though, give yourself a pat on the back & some kudos for getting yourself out of it!