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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Narc help

23 replies

helpmeplease4 · 14/06/2018 22:23

Please help

Have left my narc OH
I have not messaged him or contacted in 24 hours
He has tortured me for so long
How can I make him feel bad like how he made me and treated me

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 14/06/2018 22:27

Get on with your life and focus on yourself.

Pretend he means nothing to you - nothing.

Fake it till you make it.

By the way, while you're thinking of revenge, you're still putting him first.

helpmeplease4 · 14/06/2018 22:30

I just want him to feel pain I know that sounds crazy
He had me convinced I was crazy for so long that now I'm finally free

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 14/06/2018 22:41

Doesn't sound crazy. Sounds a very normal response.

Read Alexandra Nouri. She totally gets it. Very therapeutic.

Involvedwaddict · 14/06/2018 22:54

What did he do and how he treated you? If you don't want to tell I totally understand. So sorry about it and I do get you feeling like you do.

helpmeplease4 · 14/06/2018 22:58

Made out he was amazing with my son

Let me down
Let him down

Picked me up at his convenience then pull back

Blamed me for everything it was always my fault

Shouted screamed and swore at me
That was the final straw

Had bought him a gift and he threw it in my face said I was inconsiderate of his feelings that I was frivolous that I pissed him off
I was winding him up and left me crying for hours

I was always on edge eggshells and felt like a puppet and that he would finish with me
He would be lovely one minute and horrible the next

OP posts:
Involvedwaddict · 14/06/2018 23:21

This has helped me to understand things a bit better:
www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/toxic-relationships/201703/is-your-relationship-toxic

Missingstreetlife · 14/06/2018 23:43

He wont feel your pain. Well done for getting out. Keep walking, look after yourself and your kid, don't look back

butterfly56 · 14/06/2018 23:57

Narcs absolutely hate being ignored.
Going completely no contact with him will drive him insane!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 14/06/2018 23:57

Complete indifference is the holy grail.
So?
Whatever.
Nope.
Not interested.

CharlotteCollins is right. Hate is still a connection to him. Disconnect completely on all fronts. This is for your own mental health to start the recovery and healing process from the damage being with someone like that causes. You can not heal while you are still in survival mode in the midst of continued insults/abuse.

Not that you want to know, no peeking, but treating him like he is invisible (a page out of his playbook) will be maddening to him. It may last 10 seconds or ten weeks, whatever, but then he will discard you (yea!) and move on to his next target of ego/narc supply.

helpmeplease4 · 15/06/2018 05:20

I am due to go away abroad today and I'm still no contact
Have removed from social media not that the arrogant wanker would notice I don't think
Still haven't contacted him and heard nothing
How isit that I thought I loved him .. I hate him

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 15/06/2018 06:00

Love and hate are two sides of same coin. Still intensely involved. It is addictive. Seperate is where you need to be. It will come, you probably need to grieve what you thought you had, what might have been, how painful & unfair it is. Sad you have to go through this, but better in the end.

helpmeplease4 · 15/06/2018 06:06

I do feel super angry ... and I'm shocked he hasn't even asked how my DC is he's jst gone no contact too

I'm not even sure what it's like to break up with a narc or what to expect so I'm feeling very on the edge

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/06/2018 09:10

What to expect, breaking up from a narcissist:

To begin with, you will still think about yourself the way he does. He will totally be in your head, telling you how to think. It takes a lot of time and critical thinking to decide what your thoughts about yourself are. One gut reaction can be to think the opposite he did, and that's cathartic for a while, but it's only when you can sift through objectively and decide what is you and what isn't that you're making the break.

Initially, you will wonder what he's doing and if he's thinking about you all the time. Your thoughts will still be filled with him. Thinking about yourself, not in connection with him, is an important skill to relearn. Treat yourself to things that you like. If you even know what you like any more... If you don't, fill your thoughts with that. Try things out.

Progress will be in stages. You'll think you're doing well one day and then the next you'll suddenly remember something you'd forgotten, or realise something was very wrong in your relationship that you'd just accepted as normal. It will be a rollercoaster ride of emotions. You've probably been suppressing your emotions because he's told you how to feel, that what you feel is wrong. In which case, just feeling things strongly can take a while to get used to. Accept the feelings, let them wash over you, wait and they will die down again. They're useful. They indicate something not right. They help you stay away from similar characters in the future.

Whatiwishfor · 15/06/2018 09:39

Im in the middle of a divorce with a nac or at lest someone with a undiagnosed personality disorder (i know not everyone with a personality disorder acts this way). He left me and my children 18 months ago and its been pure hell. What i did learn early on though is your carnt match the behaviour back, as you will 100% come out worst. This knowledge in itself is oddly empowering. I know it doesn't appear that way but it is. My stbxh has said and done some really nasty things, that couples with the constant court appearances that he makes me go through i can honestly say hes really not nice.

It really is a very odd journey and will take a long time. You need to try and treat the situation as a business arrangement, so take the emotions out of it and just deal with the matter in hand, eg handing belongings back, seeing the children if you have any etc etc. Dont how ever try and play games back, you will not win.

frasier · 15/06/2018 09:47

butterfly56 is right. Doing nothing, ignoring him, will cause him pain.

My NPILs spent a year texting, emailing and sending abusive messages because we cut them off. They were furious! They must have made themselves ill with hate. They even threatened to call the police because they decided it was “illegal” for their son not to speak to them!

The wish for revenge is natural. I dreamed up all manner of things I would do to MIL! But if you do react he’ll know he got to you and nothing would please him more. So, sit tight and drive him mad by doing nothing.

helpmeplease4 · 15/06/2018 10:53

Thanks for all your help ladies feeling a bit uneasy today but keeping up with no contract

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/06/2018 11:24

Live well.
That's the best revenge.
It will take a while to move on but you will get there.
Go on holiday and enjoy it.
He may not be a narc he just sounds vile and abusive from what you have written.

Get onto Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme.
This will ensure you don't get involved with any other abusers in future relationships.
Well done on getting rid of him.
Now work on yourself and enjoy your life.

Lonelycrab · 15/06/2018 13:35

Going through this to so bookmarking this thread. Feelings of anger and hatred are natural as has been mentioned, but we know (however natural those feelings are) that following those feelings is not the path to take. It’s just wrong.

Now pause for a minute and imagine not knowing that following that path was wrong. That is what you’re dealing with. Once you’ve got your head round (narc or not) that this is a deeply unpleasant soul it becomes easier to detach. The goal is no love, no hate, no feelings of any kind. Practice grey rock on them if contact is truly essential. Otherwise no contact and don’t flinch. Best of luck.

helpmeplease4 · 18/06/2018 20:29

To give a little update

Stayed strong on holiday

Didn't contact him and he didn't contact me but was intently watching my posts on socials

Ended up removing from social media so I couldn't snoop or feel bad whilst I was away

Discovered he had blocked me on WhatsApp today .. still watching my socials

Also he hasn't removed any of my friends from his accounts either

Why is this so hard

OP posts:
Nanny67 · 19/06/2018 21:37

How did you know he was watching you on social media?

SparklyMagpie · 20/06/2018 07:26

I'm also wondering how you know, you previously said you'd removed him from all social media??

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/06/2018 08:50

Because you're still engaging with him. At a low level, yes, but you need to move on completely.

As I suggested last week, fake it till you make it.

Block him again. Change your settings so you can't snoop.

It really doesn't matter why he's doing it. So giving him headspace. You are choosing to do that. Take back control.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 20/06/2018 08:51

Stop giving... that should've been.

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