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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Turned against me

16 replies

Daydreamer2407 · 14/06/2018 22:12

To cut a long story short, I had some issues with OH and we broke up for a short while. He said some horrible things and I genuinely thought it was over. I saw my family on the day it all happened and confided in my parents and sibling about what had happened. Now we are giving it another chance, and it will be his last chance as if it happened again it truly would be over for good but we have DC and I feel like I should give it this last shot. Now my family have turned against me. Said I'm not welcome to family events, they won't attend anything I host if he is there etc. This obviously makes it really awkward and difficult. I honestly understand that they are upset with him over some of the nasty things he said but I don't know what to do now they're trying to dictate what I should do. I feel like is it even going to work now because of this. It will create a lot of tension. I don't usually ever speak to my family about things like this and the one time I do it's completely back fired on me. I just needed some support at that time.

OP posts:
pisces7268 · 14/06/2018 22:19

They're your family, I'm sure they will around in time it's just because they care about you

Original poster
Daydreamer2407 · 14/06/2018 22:28

They won't as they've done this before when they have took a dislike to a partner previously. It creates a massive divide as we do lots of things as a family so I have to either go by myself or not at all which means I'm either pushing away partner or family

OP posts:
category12 · 14/06/2018 22:33

What sort of things did he say?

NotTakenUsername · 14/06/2018 22:37

They really are feeding you to the lions, aren’t they. When he behaves this way again (and he will) how will you be able to turn to them without fear of the ‘I told you so’ bulshit. Sad

Gruffalina72 · 14/06/2018 22:39

Well... If your partner did something awful, I can see why they would be upset and frustrated that you've gone back to him. Even if you're not finding their reaction helpful, it would be understandable.

Is this why you've glossed over what it is he did?

Why did they dislike the previous partner? Did he do something similar?

They might not be going about it in the most helpful way, but have you paused to consider why they feel so strongly and whether that should tell you something about your decision to go back to him?

It doesn't entirely sound like it's you they have "turned against" if what they actually said was that they don't want to participate if he attends. It's him and whatever it was he did to you that they are unhappy with, not you.

From the way you've described the situation, I have a sinking feeling that you've only shared the tip of the iceberg of his "horrible" behaviour. Could it be possible that as outsiders they have more perspective and are distressed that you've gone back to somebody who mistreated you?

notagain2018 · 14/06/2018 22:43

They are being a bit unfair. Without knowing exactly what happened its hard to comment. Friends/family should be there for you no matter what. Regardless of the bad decisions you make in your life, it should be unconditional love. Its a shame they are being like this. Its your life, and your decision. Let them cool down and give them some space, I'm sure they will come round.

Original poster
Daydreamer2407 · 14/06/2018 22:51

I haven't glossed over anything. I could sit and write pages but I was posting about my family more so. We had a very heated argument and he called me names, put me down and was generally being vile as I had told him not to return home after what he had said. It may happen again for which I'm fully prepared and as I say, I completely understand that he wouldn't be their favourite person but to make things so difficult when all I'm trying to do is give it another shot I think is unfair. I'm not sure if we can move past things or if I can forgive him but I wanted to try but it seems like a non starter now I have all this added stress from family.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 14/06/2018 23:13

he called me names, put me down and was generally being vile as I had told him not to return home after what he had said

I'm 50 years old and have been in s fair few relationships and can honestly say that I have never been called vile names even during an argument or when the relationship finished. If this is how he behaves then you should actually leave him because of your dc not stay, as a parent who is vile towards the other parent often ends up being vile to the dc at some point too.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 14/06/2018 23:25

This is why people should never discuss their arguments with partners unless they are sure they will break up. It goes something like this;
OP - My DP is a cunt....They did A,B and C
Family - LTB - he is being a cunt
ODP - I can't believe my friends/family have turned against him.....
Everyone else LTB and get a new life!

PrizeOik · 15/06/2018 06:01

You can't stay in a relationship where he's called you names.

Come on op. Ffs.

Of course your family is despairing of you. You're acting like a complete mug. Is their response ideal, no. But you need to understand that you are in the wrong to get back with him and you can't expect family not to want to be around a man who's vile to someone they love.

Bin this tosser off and be grateful your family wants better for you.

InfiniteSheldon · 15/06/2018 06:16

Your family sound like they are tired of enabling you to keep repeating the same crap. You have an awful time with an awful man, split up, tell family, get lots of sympathy,joyous reunion with awful man. Rinse and repeat? It's your drama not theirs.

Original poster
Daydreamer2407 · 15/06/2018 06:59

Like I said I know it wasn't acceptable and don't blame them for caring but blackmailing is not ok. It's very easy to say leave, why stay, you're a mug etc but it's very different when you're in the situation. If it does happen again it would be done for good. I am just upset they're going to not come to children's birthdays etc.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/06/2018 08:43

If it's bad enough they're prepared to take that stand, maybe they're right? It's quite unusual for a family to do that.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/06/2018 10:03

This the reason, when on here, I tell the 'injured' party to talk to a non-judgey friend.
You do need to talk about it though.
Can you sit your family down and tell them what you've told us.
You need them and want them in your lives and he is your partner and father of your children and you are giving it one last chance.
You know them. Would they support you a bit more?

Original poster
Daydreamer2407 · 15/06/2018 10:23

I don't think they would. My sibling is very over bearing and controls what my parents do so I know I'm fighting a losing battle. They've had lots of problems in their own relationships and iv always supported them even if I didn't agree with their decisions this is why I'm struggling to see why I am expected to do what they want me to do after one fall out. Usually I don't tell them anything but I bumped into them on the day it happened and I was clearly upset

OP posts:
Robin233 · 15/06/2018 10:38

Agreed
This is why you don't tell family about marital rows.
Let the dust settle.
Enjoy your party.
Time is a great healer.
Good luck.

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