Does your past dictate your future?

[cantthinkofafunone]

NC for this for reasons which will become clear.

I'm curious to know if people think your past relationship experiences dictate your future. I always wanted to be someone who wouldn't "blame" my past, I would make sure I was a better person, deal with and move on, stay positive.

When I was 13 I met someone 5 years older than me, to cut a long story short, he turned out to be the most abusive person in every sense of the word. I honestly thought that was my life would always be.

I begged literally begged him to leave me alone, hed say things like thats never going to happen, he would wait for me after school, he would hide around corners waiting for me. He would absolutely emotionally manipulate me. Through all of I some how managed to hold down a college course and part time job, he would take my money and spend it on drugs, smash up his flat, he was utterly awful but he didn't have a family who cared about him and he let me know this and make me feel guilty.

When I think about that person, me, who I was then and what happened, I hate myself. I feel so ashamed, disgusted with what I let happen. The cycle only ended he got sent back to prison for quite some time, I could finally break free, hes actually died now.

After a long time I met someone who is now the father of my beautiful children but Ive now realised that all the resentment, all the hate and anger, I put on him. I pushed him too far and he left. I lost the love of my life because of this.

I never told him about my past, I buried that life and that person, or so I thought. He now knows pieces and has asked me to get help, he said hes not going to be around to be used as a punching bag anymore so I need the help, hes of course right.

I feel so lost, ashamed, disgusted with myself. I cant believe Ive let my past do this to the most amazing life he gave me. He told me, showed me and gave me so much love.

I have an eating disorder which I think looking back, was brought about by all of my past. He knows about has known about that for some time but I am so good at pretending, pretending I am fine and am dealing with it.

Theres so much more to the story of my past life and him, I cant even call him an ex as that's too kind which I know sounds awful as hes no longer alive.

I know I will get through this as Ive been through worse but I don't want to without the love of my life, Ive lost him and don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. My dc are my everything, I know I need help for them and me, I'm just so so sad they lost their family setting.

I need help, counselling maybe?

Anyone ........

Hi op I think if you don't face up to awful shit from the past it can have a negative impact on now. Counselling can help definitely. You need to realise it wasn't your fault you were abused and that you're as important and precious as anyone else.
Talking to a neutral person ie counsellor can give you a way to do that.
I hope you get the support you need and deserve

Thank you. Reading you're as important and precious as anyone else, made me cry. Honest I'm such a mess, I feel like an embarrassment, a joke. Like in my mind I think, why would a counsellor want to listen to me harp on about my past. In my heart I think it will help and they wouldn't choose to be a counsellor if they didn't want to listen to people harp on. Argh, honest he absolutely messed with my head and I'm only just accepting it.

I said to my wonderful ex dp as honestly he is a wonderful person, that I would rather a neutral person and he suggested I let my family know. My family know what happened, they went through it with me and they know about the eating disorder but it didn't really help in telling them tbh which I understand.

That's why I think someone neutral, who doesn't know me, doesn't know my family or have any preconceived ideas, they can give me the cold hard truth and their opinion.

I never wanted to be someone who has issues, baggage. I try to be someone I'm not always strong enough to be. I just don't know

Please talk to your kids dad.
I have had a DV relationship and my self worth was on the floor but I know that I am worth everything and more.
You are right that your kids dad isn't the right person to take out your anger. You need to find another way.
You need to speak to someone about it, I would go to your GP and ask for support for your MH and your eating disorder.
You cannot go around trauma. You need to process it. The only way is through it. Only you can do it but it's so so worth it. You can be the person you want to be.

Very simialar story to you, met someone just before my 14th birthday, older than me, abusive, alcoholic, sexually and eventually physically abused me.

I haven’t had much luck with men since, was married for ten years to an emotionally abusive man and since then I seem to attract even worse men. It’s hard not to let your past effect future relationships. I try not to think about my past but I’m always looking for similarities with other men.

Me and the dc father have such different backrounds. I think this makes me feel more ashamed, before the age of 15 I had tried everything from heroin to crack, writing that down makes me feel physically sick, it really does. I was basically a heroin addict at the age of 15.

I think he would hate me for that. He was brought up in a nice area, really nice location with lovely neighbours, private estate etc...

My mum used to ask me if I would ever tell most recent partner about what happened and I would say no way! That was another life, I buried it, but Ive never actually processed it. I think after having children it amplified everything, knowing how I would feel if they went through anything like that, how I would handle it. It breaks my heart.

I really think my parents did what they thought was best, I truly believe that.

Its hard accepting the past, I always said I knew what I was doing I should have made him leave me alone, I shouldn't have tried what he offered, he was lonely and unloved but I was a child. I should have been at school studying and hanging out with friends but instead I was dealing with so much more

The only person who decides that is you. Whether it's a conscious or non conscious decision, only you can dictate the impact your past will have on your future.

OP you have to remember that you were a child when all this started and iit spiralled out of control. But you fixed it and you are not the person this man tried to make you.

If you think you've lost the love of your life then you have nothing to lose by telling him the truth. Is it possible for him to come to counselling with you?

Hi op you've already started addressing it so credit to you for doing that. Lots of us have had trauma in childhood, you're not alone. Remember those who haven't can't understand how damaging and soul destroying it is. It's easy to think using adult reasoning and distance that a person should get on and sort it out. Harder in practice. But you can do it

This might sound like a really awful comparison and forgive me if I offend anyone but I compare it to someone who has been abused as a child, they become the abuser and I believe everyone has their own mind.

They should realise the pain and hurt this causes and how can they possibly inflict this on someone else? I cant forgive myself for how I've treated him. It is not at all on the same level but that's not the point.

The majority of the time we were a loving couple, I always told him I loved him and showed him. I think things just got really bad with the stresses of having young dc, work, careers etc...

I have booked a doctor appointment for next week, really happy and lucky to get an appointment so quick. I wont take no for an answer this time. I've been to the doctors 3 times but only about the eating and I eventually got referred to someone who decided I didn't need help as didn't fit the criteria. I was massively underweight but they said that because I had a normal upbringing, nothing traumatic etc... I didn't need the help.

Ex dp actually came with me to see this person and he didn't know what to do, we both didn't so I just pretended I was okay after a while.

I don't know how it works but I will tell the doctor everything and let them know I think counselling/therapy would help.

What happened to you was NOT your fault.
Keep telling yourself this.
It happened.
It's over.
However you need to deal with your anger and let it go.
You have every right to that anger.
And that is perfectly normal.
I don't actually think dowelling on the past always helps. Maybe to understand it.
CBT actually gives you tools to use to deal with harmful thoughts and helps you get to a good place in your head.
Puts you in the driving seat.
Let's you take control.
Best of luck :)

Please have a chat with Womens Aid
You were in an awful relationship and that vile person took total advantage.
The fact YOU feel ashamed just shows you that you need some professional help with all of this.
YOU have absolutely NOTHING to feel ashamed of.
But you need some help realising this.
WA can help with specialist organisations in your area so do get in tough with them.
I'm so sad for you.
There are so so many vile abusive men out there it's quite literally 'unbelievable' to me. To read on here every day.
Definitely get help.

And your GP can help with your eating disorder.
My sister had an eating disorder all of her adult life due to an abusive partner when she was younger.
I have no doubt the years of abuse to her body contributed a lot towards her death from esophageal cancer.
Gone way too early, partly due to an abusive dick head.
It makes my blood boil!

You deserve only the best. You deserve to be the very best YOU!
Get some help. Don't be a martyr and carry on.

You've realised now and posting this is your first step.
I really hope you can get the help you need.

I think your right about the accepting and understanding it, not letting it consume me, I want to just get my head around it all and move on but I feel stuck, if that makes sense. None of this makes sense, I pretended like that life never existed but inside I was and am, consumed by it.

Hellsbells I am genuinely so so sorry about your sister. I really am. I know my eating is affecting my health and I worry about it every day! It affects my bones, I have the most awful skin, nails and hair. I wear make up every day to cover the damage. I've read so much about trying to overcome it and it seems I will never fully recover but develop coping mechanisms. I cant honestly imagine a life without the eating disorder, its almost like its just part of me, my daily routine but I honestly want the help! I can accept it will always be a part of me but I want to learn to deal with it.

I don't mean to sound arrogant and I know its to be expected but I really have to say I think I'm a pretty good mum, I don't always get it right but they are my life. You would think that that alone should be enough and I feel so selfish for carrying all of this when I'm a parent but I don't mean to, this was and is my life and I want to get better.

I feel so ashamed of my past and feel so ashamed about my eating but I want to take control and not let that control me! I feel if people know they will look at me different, I really am so good at hiding and pretending but when I visit the gp I will make sure I get some movement with it all, I need it.