What happened & what next?

[Riggsis]

Been with DH 10 years. 5 month old ds.

Something happened this week & I'm so, so conflicted as to whether our relationship has come to an end or not as a result.

Since ds has been born our sex life has -inevitably- slowed down. We picked it back up at around 2 months, no problem. However, it's slowed again recently as we've hit the sleep regression and I'm just too tired to get in the mood. I could tell DH was getting a bit frustrated but I just didn't feel like it.

Last week, DH started foreplay. I didn't show much interest. I also didn't say "no". Anyway, it happened and I was sore for a few days afterwards. I showed zero enthusiasm during and I've found myself very conflicted about whether this is ok behaviour from him?? Like I said, I never said "no" or "stop" but it was very obvious I wasn't joining in- I've never been like that during sex before and after 10 years he must know when I'm enjoying it!

I think he felt like he'd done wrong from his behaviour in the 24hours afterwards but it's still bothering me while everything's back to normal for him. I'm unsure if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and these things are inevitable while adjusting to having a baby or if it's a sign of things to come? Genuinely conflicted and appreciate thoughts about WWYD

Can't you talk to him? He isn't a mind reader and lack of enthusiasm when you have a young baby isn't uncommon. If you didn't want sex you should tell him.

Yeah, we've talked. He said he's sorry. I just can't understand how he enjoyed it when I so obviously wasn't. But thanks advice just needed to hear that perspective.

Tbh if he could see you enjoying it and you weren't actively taking part, he shouldn't have been doing it.

could see you weren't* enjoying it

Thanks shaking. Your response and the response from advice is exactly the dialogue in my head. I keep jumping from thinking one way, then the other.

I had something similar happen a few weeks ago, so my view may be biased, but I really think he shouldn't have carried on if you were visibly not getting involved. Is he aware of how things affected you? Have you had sex with him since?

Yeah he is aware. No I haven't and part of me feels like I've lost respect for him and I can't imagine having sex with him again right now.
Sorry something similar happened to you

See, when we have sex there are times when we are doing it more to please the other person. I might not be totally as into it as normal but then there are times when he's the same.
I think you are way over thinking it but your feelings also are valid. He wasn't a mind reader.
I think you need to have sex again to restore some of the intimacy and trust

Only rapists enjoy sex with someone who clearly isn't enjoying it.

And I'm sorry but it's utter BS to say he couldn't have known if you didn't say "no". Consent isn't about expecting people to be "mind readers", what offensive twaddle.

Replace what he did with forcing a cup of tea down your throat when you were unresponsive to him asking if you wanted some tea.

Would you still blame yourself for expecting him to read your mind and know you didn't want tea? Or would you blame him for forcibly pouring tea down your throat when you did not ask for it, did not agree to it, and clearly did not want it because he had to force it down you?

I'm sorry your husband is a rapist, and I'm really really sorry that this has happened to you and in response you're getting victim blaming rape apologists replying to you.

You have made it very clear from your description that it would have been patently obvious to him that he had nothing even approaching consent and that you did not want it. The fact that you didn't say "no" or "stop" doesn't matter. He did not have a reasonable belief you had consented. End of.

Totally unacceptable, and criminal.

You are not making a mountain out of a molehill. Listen to your gut. Things will only get worse from here.

I think you'd really benefit from reading ShakingandConfused's thread. There is some really sound, compassionate advice there.

Sometimes people make me shit cups of tea but I drink it to be polite or not hurt their feelings.

He didn't force you (did he?) You didn't show any enthusiasm but maybe he thought you still wanted to but were worried about letting go? He was insensitive to your feelings and that's really bad but you can come back from this - if you want to.

Have you told him how this has made you feel? Do you feel able to?