Why did they keep me away?

[somuchunanswered]

This might be long and I’m not sure why I’m asking really, but it has always bothered me.

My DM died when I was 10 and I did not attend her funeral. I saw her in hospital after she passed and attended a very small family scattering of ashes after she was cremated. Which I thought was the next day, but now I can’t be sure. Does it happen that quickly?

I don’t know why I was kept away. I wasn’t asked, just told and sent to a friends for the day. My younger brother (almost 5) was sent elsewhere too.

My SD died two years later (I wasn’t told he was my SD til I was about 17, but I had already worked that out) so I never got to ask why. And talking to my aunt (his sister) a few years back, she was adamant I’d have been there, I was maybe blocking it out. I absolutely am not. I very much remember being at my friends and wondering how could that be.

While writing this, I’m wondering if they kept me away so I didn’t learnt the truth about my SD during the service?? Is that crazy?

Maybe they did it to protect me, but I have always resented their decision. Is that wrong? When my DG died, my ex thought my 8yo should give it a miss, but I insisted and I know I was probably projecting about the fact I didn’t go to my mum’s. But I am still 100% it was right for him.

Would people here want their 10yo at their funeral? I don’t imagine it’s something my parents discussed as both deaths were sudden and my brother and I both then attended my dads aged 12 and 7, so I also feel like what my mum would want couldn’t have been taken into account as how could it be there wish for a 7yo, but not a 10yo?

I know this is kind of pointless and what’s done is done. Just wondered what others would want for their children in the same situation.

Thanks.

It seems quite an old-fashioned way of doing things to me. I imagine it was in the name of "protecting" you.

I would absolutely expect dc to attend a funeral of family - they've a right to grieve and to have the closure/celebration of that life with everyone else affected. My own dc have attended their great-grandma's funeral and their granddad's funeral.

How long ago was it? My granny died when I was about 10. I didn't go. Never gave it a second thought. But i am old (by MN standards!) and children didn't generally go to non-family weddings then either.

But for your mother's funeral it must have been hard for you

It was 25 years ago. Which sounds a long time, but certainly doesn’t feel it.

Me and my cousin's weren't allowed to my great grandmothers funeral in 2000. I would have been 11. We, even now, are still upset about this decision. She was the matriarch of our family and we all loved her dearly and spent a lot of time with her. We weren't allowed to say goodbye with everyone else.

I will allow my DC the choice when the time comes with our elderly family members.

I’m really sorry OP - this sounds very painful. Unfortunately it used to be believed that children should not attend funerals as it would be too upsetting. This is fortunately not the case anymore. However, children need to be consoled and introduced to the concept of death and perhaps your SD was not in a position to do that - perhaps he was too distraught himself?

As I understand it you have experienced a number of major bereavements at a young age - have you considered counselling? Cruse offer up to 6 sessions without charge, if there is a branch near you - it might be useful to talk about this with someone who is trained.

I think the only reason I'd keep a child away from their parents' funeral is if other people would be gawping at them.

Thank you Felicity, but I don’t feel I need counselling. We tried it as a family (my aunt, uncle, etc) and then me on my own (once, maybe twice and my aunt was there, I think) and although I’m sure it’s very different as a teen, I just don’t think it’s for me.

I’ve made my peace with their deaths, and I can see all the good things in my life that would never have been without their deaths. Which isn’t meant to sound as awful as it does. Just my “silver linings”.

It’s just this that comes to mind sometimes and I will never get a true answer now. And I won’t get one from here, I know. Just curious as to what others wishes would be.

I am actually now wondering if my brother was at my SD’s! Maybe I have assumed all along. I remember being there. Friends of mine being there, teachers, etc, my uncles hugging me. But I can’t picture him! God, I feel like a selfish idiot now.

MyWifiHell I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive and thick, but I don't understand your second paragraph at all. Why would it be a sham? Why wouldn't a 10 yo have memories of a parent?

I'm not sure if it would have been something they discussed. I'm guessing they'd have done it to protect you both but then perhaps when it was your step dad's you went as he wasn't your biological dad, I don't know. My mother kept me from both my nan dying and my dad. I'm guessing to protect me. I'm not from a religious family and there doesn't seem to be a strong tradition for us of traditional funerals. I know the few I've been to haven't given me any closure or feeling of saying goodbye. For some people they say you can't ever miss going as you'll regret not saying goodbye but I've not felt that. Sorry it's playing on your mind. These things play on mine too.

@MyWiFiHell What do you mean, about your own situation? Do you mean back when your dc was 10? Or a hypothetical dc? Sorry if I’m being dim. Anything you want to talk about?

Sorry about your post MyWifiHell. I feel the same. What would anyone say about me. I've already told my kids to not come if they'd rather not and just remember me sometimes with a laugh. Mainly do what will help them best.

I think it was done to protect you. I think a child might struggle with seeing others very upset about their mum’s death. But I don’t know.

I attended my grandfathers funeral at 11, but my cousins, aged 11 and 10 didn’t which I thought was odd. Neither my brother or youngest cousin attended (3 and 4 respectively) but that seemed to make more sense to me at the time. I think I would have my own 3 year old attend any of her grandparents funerals, if they were to pass away now.

My children attended the funeral of their grandad, they were 6,8,10 and 11 at the time... That was 2 years ago. I can’t see them not attending a parent's funeral

They think they are protecting you, but are actually protecting themselves from your upset. children grieve differently but should be involved.

It used to be very common, and of course it was wrong. Children were not considered full sentient beings in the past.

We took our then 8 yo dd to mil’s funeral two years ago. She wept a bit, but sometimes I thought it was a performance to fit in with the others. She was the only child there. Then one of sil’s work mates brought her daughter, complete with LaLa Loopsey dolls, and they played the rest of the time (save the actual service). She seemed heaven sent and they still get together whenever we go to ils/once or twice a year. We refer to her as the funeral friend.

Are you missing some sort of closure from not having attended? I see that you have said you are at peace with her/their passing, but perhaps if you had your own memorial ceremony it may help resolve that gap left by having missed the original ceremony.
Plant a tree in her memory or make a donation to your, or better yet- her favorite charity.

As others have said, I think you are reading too much into motives here. It was very common for children to be excluded from funerals in the past and I think that's a more likely reason than secrecy about your stepdad etc. Especially if your brother was younger they may have made the decision for both of you. I think it is wrong but it was often seen as not a place for children. Seeing a coffin disappear is a pretty stark symbol of what has happened and people wanted to shield children from it.

Thank you for the replies. I’m sure you are all correct and that it was done with the best of intentions. Maybe because I remember that time so clearly, that is why it doesn’t seem so long ago to me for people to actually have those views. Back in the 50/60s or so maybe, but the 90s feels like yesterday to me

And for those who suggested, we have a memorial bench for them, and when we were kids we used to let off balloons for them on Christmas Day

Was just having a wobble last night after speaking to a colleague during the day.

Thanks all

I find it strange. I was 11 when my man died, I was extremely close to her. I went to the funeral (it was a big funeral- church then burial). I even read prayers in the church. No way would my family ever have said I couldn't go.