How can I help my daughter with possible ASD?

[howcanIhelpher1]

Hi
My daughter’s main symptom is that she has had three bouts of OCD in her life, and this last bout has been going on for a year and a half. There are other “symptoms” however, and two members of staff at her school have (independently to me), also thought the same thing.

My question here is how can I help her? If I tried to get her “diagnosed” as it were, I think she would be upset and resistant, so it’s not a question of doing that for the moment. I just want to know, what kind of things can I do to make her feel happy and accepted?

If you are on the autistic spectrum, how did your parents help you, or how would you have liked them to help you?

I am not even sure what the spectrum is as surely we are all on it? In an interesting programme, someone was saying that it was the extent to which the behaviours / thought patterns impacted on people’s daily lives that then meant that they were “autistic” or not.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

Forgot to say that my daughter is 14.

Oops this was meant to be posted in relationships. I have asked to have it moved.

This is Style & Beauty, so you'll probably get more attuned answers if get MNHQ to move it to a more appropriate forum.

What help is your daughter currently receiving for OCD?

Teachers aren't qualified to diagnose autism, and there's a wide range of conditions that can look similar, assuming that it's not just the OCD going on.

The kind of difficulties she is having will dictate the kind of help that is appropriate - what are these? Can you give a couple of examples of situations which have been difficult for her?

If you want to help her then you need to pursue a diagnosis and get her on the pathway!

Not having a label wont make her ASD go away, it will only mean she has no access to support.

What do you need help with specifically?

(Also might be worth moving the thread to Special Needs board)

One of the people who thought she may be on the spectrum was her counsellor.

Yes I have asked MNHQ to move it.

The OCD is hygiene related but she refuses to have CBT to help her with it. She even seems to deny its impact or existence - at least overtly, but it really gets in the way of her life.

In other ways she thinks in very black and white terms, and assumes that people are angry, for example, when they aren’t at all. She asks obvious questions wanting to know things that you would thought she would know.

She finds situations where she is being in any way watched very difficult to cope with and so doesn’t do PE, drama or music at school. She hates group work at school and performs much better working on her own.

She does have friends but in a more detached way when compared to her siblings - she has completely lost touch with a very close group of friends from primary school, even though they are still close and in touch with each other.

She often spends breaktimes at school pacing a circular route in the school corridors by herself. In some ways she is quite solitary.

She is often irrationally stubborn. She is quite often over direct - honestly saying what she thinks and stuff which I thought I had well hidden .

Her brother [unhelpfully] says she is like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.

She is very bright but is apathetic about school work, and in any case her OCD means that she is often late for school.

You need to read up on what the autistic spectrum is, we are all most definitely not on it. It's a medical diagnosis, you either have it or you don't. Google Triad of Impairments and look at the National Autistic Society's website. Autism rarely presents on its own, there are lots of co-morbid conditions.

Autism presents differently in girls. gold standard for assessment is the Lorna Wing Centre. Otherwise it's a well over 12 and often nearer 24 months wait for the NHS to diagnose and many schools aren't great in introducig helpful interventions unless there's a valid diagnosis, i.e. not Mum and her friends' guesses.

It's no good asking online for guesses on what condition your daughter MAY have, you need to find out what condition(s) she actually has before you can put any useful interventions into place. Otherwise you'd be like someone treating an arthritic patient with diabetic medicine, or a broken leg with CBT.

How old is she?

Sorry ThisIs I missed your post.

The problem with seeking a diagnosis is that I think she would be very upset - though I have tried to bring up the subject in very general terms. Her Dad (we are going through a divorce and it is not amicable - nor is he at all an easy person) would be very difficult to get on board. When I raised this with him in the past, he dismissed it out of hand. This is not to say that we couldn’t pursue a diagnosis in the future.

At least her school understand that she has special needs and make allowances for her lateness etc..

She is 14.

not Mum and her friends' guesses.

Not my friends - a counsellor that my daughter had been seeing, and a teacher she has had some contact with. I accept that they may not be right. It is a thought at be moment.

And I do find that comment a bit unhelpful - this is my daughter we are talking about, and she has experienced significant difficulties for the past 18 months now. I am not lightly throwing the word “autism” about.

But in any case, how would you get a very resistant person a diagnosis? I think she thinks of autism as being something which makes people very “different”.

I will look up the Lorna Wing Centre - thank you.

The fact you have school on board with support is really good, and they can help you get on the diagnostic pathway if you wish to pursue it.

It could help to have an educational psychologist assessment- they aren’t intrusive, they will come and observe DD at school, you could sell it to her as just assessing what support she needs- as that is what is really, they won’t diagnose, but they may make suggestions for you to pursue - ie maybe recommend the ADOS, but importantly the ed psych will make recommendations for support (for you not just school!) so this could a great place to start.

Could you ask the Senco for advice on interventions ?

Thank you - yes I could - she is not a very proactive SENCO, but I could definitely ask.

However any whiff of different treatment or being observed, and my dd will be suspicious and obstinate. And how do I ask for it without her Dad on board? He is the kind of person who will verbally turn on me or say that anyway any problems are my fault.

I’m in a similar situation, trying to get diagnosis now waiting for results ,my Dd also 14,was quite relieved to hear about Aspergers , seemed like a less frightening term, and related to what we read. Can you request she sees an Educational Psychologist we did this through school, but worth going to see GP. There’s a lot of information on National Autistic Society website but google Aspergers in girls

My dd’s head of year requested ed psych after significant absence from school, she just did some tests and talked to her no observation of classes. There’s a book written by girls with autism about going through diagnosis, “M is for autism “ we found it helpful, even down to divorcing parents and unhelpful dad

I'd ask the counsellor to explore the idea of assessment with her. Counsellor should be pretty skilled at finding out why she is resistant to the idea, if she is.

I suggest you read Tania Marshall's checklist of autism symptoms in females. They are very different to typically male traits and it sounds like your daughter may be autistic from what you say. The checklist is very thorough though so will give you a better idea.

I am autistic and only got diagnosed a few days ago at the age of 40 so help wasn't available when I was a child. My mum was very abusive though and would bully me relentlessly about any perceived differences or quirks, or my lack of friends. You sound like you are trying to help your daughter though so I am sure you wouldn't behave like this. However, even gentle teasing could really affect your daughter's self esteem. I'm not suggesting that you do this, but if you do then try to avoid as your daughter may take this to heart. I would also stop her brother making remarks about her behaviour that could hurt her.
Other than this, I'm not really sure as I am still trying to get my head round my own diagnosis and the best way that I can help myself after all these years.
If you do strongly suspect she is autistic a diagnosis could really help her in future jobs/ education/ uni as accommodations can't be made for her. I wish I had known myself years ago as some help at uni/ extra time in exams, etc could have really helped me.

OP, your post really struck a chord with me. My 16 year old daughter had her ADOS test (for autism) through CAHMS on Monday of this week.
Fortunately she is very amenable to being diagnosed, having counselling etc, and it has never been a problem getting her to receive help. I think the time off school for her CAHMS sessions also helps
The previous poster who said that autism rarely presents on its own is absolutely right. My daughter was initially referred to CAHMS for her misophonia (an extreme sensitivity to certain sounds, such as others' eating and breathing etc - an absolute picnic to live with, as I'm sure you can imagine!).
I too am going through a divorce with dad, and I can't say it's particularly amicable. Like you, he is quick to blame me for things. He thinks that the autism thing is a nonsense, and doesn't apply to her at all. His attitude towards mental illness isn't what I'd call forward thinking!
So my daughter made the decision not to tell him about the testing, and only to raise it with him if in fact she does get a diagnosis. Her choice.
Hope this helps, and all the best to you and your daughter (she sounds like a character!).